Letters to the Webmaster
(1/3/99)

Dear Webmaster-
So is this getting together with
foreign women going to be a trend or are you through with it?  If you're still planning to take offers, it looks as if you should give them a mandatory psychiatric exam.
-rlove

I'm creating an application as we speak. Peeing on the floor isn't allowed. No coughing phlegm in my face, and if your laptop computer is your best friend, you're out.

Dear Webmaster-
I stumbled upon this site somehow last week when I was bored at work and I am now an addict.  I have read all of the posts. You are hilarious!  You sound like a great guy that I would love to meet.
-Meredith

The application I spoke of above will be put online in about a week. If you're interested in applying for the position (there's numerous positions to pick from), please print it, and fill it out. I will have the address you can send it to uploaded along with the application form. I am an equal opportunity "meeter" and comply with all state and federal guidelines. If you are from a foreign country, you will need to show me your passport, proper identification, and proof that you are not insane. Thank you. 

Dear Webmaster-
Damn, you're a good writer! I can hardly stand the suspense, waiting for
day three in the girl who came all the way from canada to spend four days in a motel with you. Have you ever considered writing a book? If you ever decide to write one, I'll be the first to buy it.
-Mads

You better, being that you're the first person to get a letter printed in three "letters to the webmaster" updates in a row. About the book being published thing; you don't need to look any further than "Dead Dogs Don't Roll Over"! It's already published on this website. Isn't life magical, sometimes?

Dear Webmaster-
The girl from Canada. That's funny shit dude.
-Austin

I guess you had to be there.

Dear Webmaster-
After reading your letter section, it seems that you have made many other women "juicy" besides me, and I don't mean just in the cerebellum area.  You just have that effect on women I suppose, with all your talk about endless supplies of natural gas, and an even more endless supply of Vaseline for masturbational purposes. I mean, how are we supposed to resist charm like that?  You are the guy next door who is humble, yet oozes an underlying confidence with a sarcastic attitude. You probably have an immense sexual appetite, and wouldn't we all LOVE to be the one to tap into that resource?  Yes, we would.  In the same way that all men want a virgin, I think most women want to have sex with a guy who doesn't proclaim himself to be the Best Screw in all the Land, yet deep down we know he really is.
-Lisa

"The Best Screw in all the Land" . . . I think you just created the other thing I want on my headstone when I die. Think how pissed all those women who were born too late will be.  

Dear Webmaster-
That
12 steps to being a cynic thing is funny as hell.  I love that cynical pissed off humor.  I can't wait for the rest of it.  This is the kind of update that first attracted me to your page.  It's funny, while it makes you think at the same time.  It's a sad world when such idiots are being overpaid as doctors. (that is not just limited to doctors.)

By the way, I noticed a typo:

"Just to name a few. I'm sjre Fetal Alcohol Syndrome would work extremely
well."

The sjre part.  I believe it should be sure.
-Josh

Actually, it wasn't a typo. "Sjre" is Hindu for "positive." It can also mean, "vomit." You know those crazy Hindus and their double meanings. Still, to avoid any confusion, I did change it. I won't do it again.

Dear Webmaster-
I love it when you top yourself. Probably because you're the only one that can do it. I love your
fucking cynic update (at least part one. I can't wait for part two and three)! Thanks for being the only person on this fucking "world wide web" who actually tries.
-Sean

You're welcome. I sjre hope you liked the second and third parts!

Dear Webmaster-
I'm a regular reader (and fan) of the Juicy Cerebellum. Until now. Your
how to create a cynic series ruined it all. Self-pity. How revolting.

I had the grim childhood, physical abuse, no friends, isolated and grew up to be a suicidal, alcoholic, bi-polar, prozac depekote and Lithium eating, post-traumatic stress suffering, pathetic looser.

Until 3 years ago when I stopped blubbering and blaming others for my poor sorry existance.

Your cynicism is great, I'm a pretty cynical guy myself. I laugh my head off at your stuff.

But your still feeling sorry for yourself and blaming others for your troubles. Guess what? They may have started you on your road, but you're the one that has kept right on walkin it.

Quit crying and start living. Or die. Being in the middle sucks too bad to keep it up forever.
-Flannel Face

Guess what? I never became a suicidal, alcoholic, bi-polar, prozac, depekote and lithium eating pathetic loser. Not only that, you mentioning your past in this email is no different than me mentioning mine in the updates. And I would never have enough self-pity to claim that I suffered through some sort of "post-traumatic" stress syndrome. You see, I actually cope with my problems, I don't wash them away with drugs and then, after quitting that, write preachy fucking letters telling everyone how perfect I am, because I have already been there, and done that. Who the fuck are you? If you actually cared; you whiney little, self-inflated mother fucker, you would have given me a REAL email address to write back to. "Sadguy@pathetic.com" just didn't do it for me. Although, it is a fitting title for a basket case like you. "Being in the middle sucks too bad to keep it up forever." If you're honestly bi-polar, how the fuck would you know anything about being in the middle? Or were you just talking about that miraculous minute when you overdosed on Lithium and found God, alcoholics anonymous, and "Hypocrites-R-Us"?

I didn't handle that very well, did I?

Dear Webmaster-
Every now and then, I run across a piece of writing that just cannot be improved upon.  Something that says everything I knew, but just couldn't put into words. "
Misprint" is one of those.  It should be required reading for every person as they reach the age when relationships are a part of life.  One more reason to tell everybody I know about your website--it's the best thing around.
-Emily

Wow, I think I want to lick your belly button.

Dear Webmaster-
I loved your
fucked up update. For some reason the part when Bill Clinton goes to another country and says "we're fucked" had me laughing so hard I started choking. I loved that update.
-Dina

For some reason, Bill Clinton just has me laughing in general. A president with the tip of a penis for a nose. What could be funnier? Is "Dina" a real name, or is it just Hindu for something?

Dear Webmaster-
i thought the teenage mutant ninja midget thing in
the everybody's all fucked up update was actually funny. oh ya, im still fucked.
-Kris

You'd have to be, if you actually thought the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Midget" thing was funny.

Dear Webmaster-
I'm fucked too. I'm so fucked, that as soon as I get some money together, I'll send you a little something. From Fucky to Fucky.

Thanks for
the fucked up update - we can all relate.
-Bud

Thanks for sending me money - it's not too late. *cough* *p.o. box 331 Alexandria, MN 56308* *cough*. Damn cold.

Dear Webmaster-
Your
fucked up update scared me. How did you know I was fucked up?
-Fucked Boy

You just learn these things, as life progresses. Well, unless you're from the South.

Dear Webmaster-
I'm really fucked.
-Ronald

Wow, I think I was onto something here.

Dear Webmaster-
Ever since
your Geoshitties parody (which I discovered in the links section after reading all the anti-Watermark crap some kid posted in my old Geocities address) I did a search and found 3 Geocities parodies, both created after yours.  I also read the World Excuse Report and laughed my ass off (don't worry, it's reattached now).
-JJ

Dear JJ, for every parody made, there's at least 10 more to follow. The majority of humans are very scared to have an individual thought and/or idea. Still, you mistook "GeoShitties" as a parody which was related to GeoCities. GeoShitties in no way is related to GeoCities. That would be far too humiliating.

Dear Webmaster-
The update on things that piss you off really got to me.  It's like you pens can read peoples minds.  Especially that canned ravioli thing.  It just so happens that I brought canned ravioli with me to work tonight.  And that "big, fat, black psychic."  I was just thinking, "boy that could offend some people," when I saw your next peeve.

Well, I better go before I continue writing et nausea and get too personal.
-Jeff "GQ" Johannes

Thanks. You might have ended up giving me something else for my headstone. Pretty soon I'll be buying a mausoleum.

Dear Webmaster-
You know what the funny thing is.... in your
you know what really pisses me off update when you key my $50,000 car... I take it to Cresent Motors and have it retouched.  It doesn't raise my blood pressure like you would like it to.  In fact, I don't even drive it there... I have one of my employees drive it there.  Just thought you would like to know that..... Much love..... From the other side.
-Jimmy Miller

This little weasel claims his dad is some rich lawyer, and his mom's some famous hooker, or something. He comments nearly every time I criticize the upper 20%, because he claims he's in it. I'd guess he's a zit-faced teenager with 7 brothers, a pregnant mother and an abusive dad who blows all his money on whiskey and strip clubs.

Dear Webmaster-
As you know, I love your site - who doesn't? I really agree with you in your
daylight thing about the dickheads who think they have to cover everything with concrete and shit, like what God put there isn't good enough for them.  And besides that, they won't let you sleep.  MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
-Autumn

I'm thinking about calling the people whose house is being built next to mine, and telling them that they get my bedroom, and I get to stay in the nice, quiet house they are currently living in, until this construction is done. If they don't like the idea, I'll simply kill them and bury their bodies, along with two seeds, in one of the many spots that used to have trees. In a hundred years, maybe the forest I valued so much will be back, instead of this square section of dirt, with the skeleton of a house sticking out of it.

Dear Webmaster-
i'm kinda new to your page (about 3 weeks).  i've read the
table of brains 97, the WHOLE thing. you are one weird person, but thats cool, cause i am too.  today i just read the christian VS atheist post.  i also pooped green today. i dont know what my point was.  oh well.
-Kevin, one tired schmuck

The green poop did it for me. For anyone who hasn't had "Incredible Hulk" poop, the secret's in the grapes. Anything grape flavored will turn your poop from a bland brown to a beautiful green. If you don't know what a grape is, you can use (liquid) Pepto-Bismal. It seems to do the job almost as well.

Dear Webmaster-
that Christians vs. atheists debate thing was great, and i'm a christian, so, that could be considered odd, but, it's the truth, like most of the other stuff you write on here. so, yeah. bye.
-Joyce

Why is everyone reading the "Christians Vs. Atheists" update, all of a sudden? Is this a sign of the second coming? I better get my hair cut.

So, yeah. Bye.

Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to The Ultimate Letter Archive!

You got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com

Back to the table of brains

Back to the mind-map.


This page isn't hosted by geocities.  Geocities can suck my dick.