As we all know, anal sex is better than a courtesy ticket to Disneyland due to Mickey getting a little too "close" with the kids, on your last visit. I mean, the hole's right there, just below the miraculous vagina, inviting us men; us men who, through instinct, always want something tighter that the thing we stuck our nozzle in previously. Girls, don't fool yourselves: when we're doing it doggy, there's only one eye us males are focused on, and that's the puckered starfish staring up at us and quivering along with your every moan. It's sort of like those toys that dance when you sing to them. Well, it's like that, if those toys were really arousing, and poop came out of them. And therein lies the problem. Fucking a girl hard in the asshole seems romantic; that's a given. It could melt the hearts of middle-class mothers across the country in the next Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan tear-jerker. It can melt hearts, and seems like nothing more than a beautiful moment between two people that love each other, but is it?
It's the rectum's intended function that can make a God Fearing man, such as myself, shy away from actually penetrating poopshoots. Unless you're in the Japanese porn industry, you probably consider crap to be crude. It is. It's stinky, and it has lots of germs that can crawl up your pecker and make you piss blood. That's no good. I know these are the parts of anal sex that nobody wants to talk about, but they are there, and need to be addressed. These problems won't go away, but neither will anal sex, because, if there's a hole in a woman a man is gonna find a way to drive his puny pecker inside of it.
Since there is NO WAY anal sex will ever end, I figured I would do my part to make it a little better. There are certain things that a man, with his dick up his hot partner's butthole, does NOT want to hear. If you women quit saying them, it will make the act that much more precious. These are a few of those things NOT to say:
"The bean burrito you bought me is about to explode!"
"Fuck me hard! I want you to break the yolks I swallowed during this morning's breakfast!"
"They may call it the runs in Mexico, but it's called Soft-Serve at Dairy Queen, and you've always liked that!"
"If it's rough going up, blame it on all the chunky peanut butter that I've been eating."
"Maybe I SHOULD start thinking about using toilet paper."
"They say a gassy person means a healthy digestive tract. Consider the warm air easing its way over your bulging penis a pleasant massage."
"Oh, damn! Stupid corn! Why does it need to be so yellow?"
"I'm so wet! I'm so wet!"
"Maybe I should stop swallowing coffee grounds whole."
"I've had a bad hemorrhoid lately . . . pretend it's for Halloween. You can fake that your dick is a gigantic knife."
"Don't mind the chicken bones, I push them up there for good luck!"
"Your pecker's gonna smell like McDonald's for AT LEAST a week!"
"It wouldn't have burned quite as much if I didn't indulge in numerous spices.
"I will never tell my younger brother you were in his hiding spot."
COPYRIGHT 2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this without my permission and your first born anus will have my dick in it!
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