"Where Was The
Written by: Alex Sandell
"He was just a normal person, like people that are normal,"
said a distraught neighbor of Mark Barton, seen above with his
two children, and ex-wife, in a family photo. "I don't believe
I ever saw him in a trenchcoat, and his hair was always
combed neatly. He cursed once, but it was only the 'D' word."
Church groups and politicians who had, up to this point, been blaming television shows, clothing, music and movies on violence in America, have been sent into a state of mass-confusion since Mark Barton, a 44-year-old man who was not commonly seen dressed in black clothing, killed his wife with a hammer last Tuesday in her suburban apartment just south of Atlanta, bludgeoned his two children, from a previous marriage, to death, and finally shot nine people and wounded 13 the next day in two Atlanta brokerage firms. Barton had lost $105,000 in stock trading, and swore revenge on those who "greedily sought" his "destruction." After getting his revenge, Barton was cornered by two police, and took his own life, bringing the final death toll to 13, only 2 short of the April slaughter committed by Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold in Colorado's Columbine High School. Not bad, considering he did it all without ever setting eyes on the video game, Doom.
"I just don't understand it," said one concerned parent from the One Concerned Parent and a Big Fucking Gun organization ran by Kelly Hymen, out of her trailer park in Southern Texas. "Of course the first place everyone looked was toward video games and black 'role-models,'" she continued, "but he didn't play any shooter games, and, from what I heard, he didn't even like that gangsta rap garbage. No one like that kills somebody else. Not in a sane world, at least." Bill Donna, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil and Sexual Rights to be Catholic and Perverted spewed out the same sentiment. "Where was the trenchcoat? I'm doubting this guy even saw The Matrix. The whole thing makes me sick, and more than a little bit horny."
President Clinton, with the support of the Republican House, and help from Uptight Assholes For a Better World has begun a 5-million-dollar, 1-year investigation into the way hammers are marketed toward middle-aged men who are involved with the stock market. "Three innocent people were killed with a hammer," said Clinton, in a speech he made to National Public Radio, via his toilet, "and I feel hammer companies are to be blamed, being that hammers are being marketed, more and more, with the middle-aged male in mind. I think that, this is, once again, big companies putting profit above people. I will spend the next year investigating this issue, when I'm not busy helping Hillary run her campaign for senator of New York."
Ex-Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, agrees wholeheartedly with the investigation. "I can't say enough about those hammers, and how dangerous they are to the common middle-aged man. I, myself, have been hurt by a hammer at least a dozen times. And those nails . . . Oh! Don't get me started!" A 14-million-dollar investigation into nails, and whether or not they're marketed toward middle-aged conservatives with gray hair, has now been approved by both the house and senate.
An idea for a new chip is also bouncing around the Capital's walls, after this recent massacre. The "S"-chip, or "Stock"-chip, would, if enabled, block all men over the age of 40 from watching television programming that involves the stock market, any show which was produced by a company selling shares on the stock market, and from viewing hammer commercials, including those from superstore, Home Depot. "I'm dog-gone pissed off," said the president of Home Depot, who asked that his name be off the record, "this is gonna hurt business. Hammers don't kill people . . . people kill people." The "S"-chip would also ban the president of Home Depot from viewing himself in the mirror. The chip is estimated to cost tax payers 300 billion dollars.
"This is only the beginning," said George W. Bush, presidential hopeful, "if I am your president, I swear that I will spend my entire term investigating Nasdaq to see if they are marketing stocks to homicidal maniacs who have a thing for hammers. I will not stop, not even at impeachment, until the job is done. These bastards behind this capitalistic system of mass-murder are going to be put to a halt before another, um . . . hmm . . . was it twelve? Uh . . . 'bunch' of people are hurt!"
Oddly enough, when asked whether or not they are going to investigate the manufacturers of guns, or the NRA, who keep stricter gun laws from being put into action, each political and religious figure answered with a resounding "no." "The NRA has too damn much power," said Bush, to Clinton, during an impromptu press conference from the White House hot tub. "I agree," said Clinton, "I'd rather stick with wimps like ID software and those idiots who make all those stupid R-rated movies, like Stanley Kubrick." "Stanley Kubrick is dead, and nothing is gonna change until America grows beyond this John Wayne mentality, and gets tough on guns!" pointed out a reporter, who was shot between the eyes, only seconds later.
"Why fight the cause," laughed Bush, while quickly hiding a smoking barrel under his right armpit, "when you can win small political victory after small political victory keeping people's eyes turned away from the real solution?" "I love John Wayne movies," Bill returned, licking blood off of his fingers. At that, Monica Lewinsky's ugly head slowly moved itself up from below thousands of steaming bubbles, and directly in front of George W. Bush's face. Lewinsky went on to welcome Bush into the White House with a Kevin Smith style snowball. "God Bless the USA!" Bush hollered, with that white pool of bodily fluids, which can only say, "I only do it - Presidential Style!" dripping from his smiling lips.
All text is copyright ©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved] and may not be used without permission from the author. All comments can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org all hatemail can be sent to email@example.com
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