Written by: Alex Sandell

Ever seen those diet commercials with the "before and after" photos of really fat chicks who've shed some unwanted pounds by drinking a shake? How about the ones with really wimpy guys who grew gigantic muscles by taking speed (or whatever that powder-like stuff in those big cans happens to be)?

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how morbid your sense of humor is) - I have, and they've got me wondering, "what would it be like if everything featured 'before and after' photos?" The thought of an ad for breast implants had me bouncing off the walls. Still, my happiness was short-lived when I found most of what is sold to, or shown to the general public would actually be kind of scary, if you were to view all of the "before's" and "after's" in their pure Kodak glory.

So here, for the first time anywhere, are the before and after shots that we could definitely live without:

*Imodium A.D.

*Bulimic's Toilet

*Viagra

*Yesterday's Lunch

*Tomorrow's Abortion

*Trojan Condoms (at least they prevent tomorrow's abortion, right?)

*Princess Diana

*Monica Lewinsky's Dress

*Baby Wipes

*Operating Table

*Kentucky Fried Chicken (The chicken, not the place. Jeesh - now I'm stuck explaining jokes.)

*Colostomy Bags.

*A small-town with a new Wal-Mart coming in.

*Bleeding Gums

*Taco Bell (Viva Stinky Asshole!)

*Preparation-H.

*Tampax

*Milk Carton Kids

*Bill Clinton's Marriage

I was going to include "peanuts" but they look the same coming out as they do going in. Plus, I felt I already had a wide enough assortment of "poop" jokes.

So, There you have it. Feel free to go vomit in the sink, now. Just don't send me any "before and after" photos of the event. Thanks.

1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved] Use this without permission from me and I'll have a "before and after" of your blown out brains.

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