"My Behalf," My Ass
Written by:  Alex Sandell

I woke up today, after five hours sleep, hoping to make my way to the toilet to empty my bladder, and then crawl back into bed.  Unfortunately, I made a small detour, and decided to check my email.  This is the message that I received:

"Alex - I contacted MAPS and they told me that if you are more careful with your mailing-list there will be no more problems with them.  It looks like you're in the clear!"

Okay, first of all, what part of "They'll tell you it's all voluntary.  They'll tell you that it's about fighting SPAM and not about stomping all over people's First Amendment rights.  They'll tell you that, if you give in to their demands, they will remove the threat of a blackhole and/or an actual blackhole, 'usually within minutes.'  Much like the mafia, they'll even tell you that they are doing all of this for your 'protection.' These claims may make the MAPS group look like only a semi-autocracy on paper, but unfortunately, they are nothing more than empty claims.  MAPS does NOT follow its own policy (would you expect any less from a true Dictatorship?)." don't you understand? What portion of "Writing to MAPS does nothing.  They just write back and tell you Al's great, I'm nutty, they're the masters of the Universe.  So, what CAN you do?  Write to your Senators, Congressmen, Legislators!  Trust me, if enough people WRITE, MAPS will no longer be able to take away their RIGHT to!" has you baffled?  What section of "even AFTER I reluctantly agreed to MAPS' ridiculous demand, and deleted my 3,000 member, SUBSCRIBER ONLY, newsletter that took me nearly 3 years to build, I'm still being threatened by the group" left you confused?  And, finally, what segment of "writing to MAPS in regards to my page will NOT help it; if anything, it will hurt it.  If you choose to write to MAPS, do not do so on my behalf" did you misinterpret?  After I wrote all of this in various updates, only a handful of you took the time to write your Senators, Congressmen and Legislators, but dozens of you went ahead and wrote to MAPS, on "behalf" of The Juicy Cerebellum.  

A lot of you admitted that you were going to "chew them out" in your letters, but were too scared of what they would do to you, so you wrote them a polite letter, instead.  Some of you even went as far as to side with them, thinking that you could then change their way of thinking, and get them off of my back.  Do you know how cowardly it is to write to a shady organization, in defense of a person or website, while, at the same time, HIDING behind that person or website in the letter you write, simply to protect YOURSELF from having to deal with all that I've had to deal with with that organization?  Do you know that certain members of MAPS are posting some of your letters ONLINE, dissecting them, and laughing at YOU?  What it boils down to is this:  Every time YOU send THEM a letter, I have to deal with THEM because of the letter you sent.  Every time YOU send THEM a letter, it makes YOU look bad, makes ME look bad, and makes The Juicy Cerebellum look bad.

Let me explain something to any of you who have either A.) written to MAPS or B.) plan to write to MAPS:  I agreed with all of the demands MAPS placed before me, with exception to one:  I wouldn't let them tell me what I could and couldn't put on this page.  Even if I would have censored myself at their request, MAPS wouldn't leave me alone.  The ONLY rule MAPS follows is the one that states, "if you follow all of our rules, we'll make sure to make more."  Here is, in Paul A. Vixie's (president of MAPS) own words, the first rule I needed to follow to insure MAPS left me alone: 

(1) you agree to use closed-loop technology in all future lists you create or manage

Here was my response to rule number 1:  

"Is the software free, and easy to use?  If so, I can't foresee my having any problems with using it for my list."

Here is the second rule, also in Paul A. Vixie's own words (which explains the misspelling) which I disagreed with:

(2) a paring down of your online anti-antispam invective so that it states your disagreement without any arguments ad hominum

Here was my response to this second rule:

"That is an issue related to Freedom of Expression, not to SPAM.  MAPS is an anti-spam group, not anti-Free Speech.  At least that's what I've been told."

After sending my email to Mr. Vixie, MAPS promptly contacted my ISP, and used scare-tactics to force them into removing me (they were also forced to upgrade their entire system to MAPS' specifications, to avoid being "blackholed").  Ever since, I have been forced to use a LONG DISTANCE connection to go online.  This is costing me a fortune, and is one of the main reasons there's been such a shortage of updates, lately.  Mr. Vixie has refused to contact me ever since I politely told him that I wouldn't edit The Juicy Cerebellum to his liking, and has never explained where I can get, and how I can implement, "closed-loop" technology in "all future lists" I "create or manage."  (At least he didn't state that I had to implement it in the old lists that I have already created, and am currently managing.)

Of course, MAPS says it was my ISP's decision to remove me, and they forced no one to do anything that they didn't want to do, but this is a ludicrous statement.  MAPS stating that they didn't force anyone to do anything is like the schoolyard bully who beats the crap out of a kid, every day, insisting he give up his lunch money, stating that, "it was his decision to give me his money!  I didn't force anyone to do anything!"

Now, let me make this clear, to all of you who have written MAPS, and were confused by their Public Relations bullshit:  

What MAPS is telling you is a lie.  I agreed to everything they asked, with exception to censoring my own writings.  I have proof of this through emails I have sent to MAPS, and received from MAPS, through emails others have forwarded me that were written by  members of MAPS, through postings written by MAPS' members that I have saved on a disk, through a phone call I made to Paul A. Vixie, and another phone conversation I had with Al Iverson (who stumbled all over his lies in an out-of-control, spastic manner, and then hung up the phone on me when he knew he was outwitted), and in all of my previous updates regarding MAPS.  MAPS is very capable of LYING to, and DECEIVING those who contact them (unless you confront Al Iverson over the phone, where he comes off as a very pathetic person in need of therapy).  What they are not capable of is providing evidence to back up their bogus claims.

And, although I've stated this numerous times before, I'm going to say it, once again:

You cannot help me by writing to MAPS.  If you write to them, DO NOT DO IT ON BEHALF OF THE JUICY CEREBELLUM.  DO NOT MENTION THE JUICY CEREBELLUM IN YOUR LETTER.  DO NOT MENTION MY NAME IN YOUR LETTER.  DO NOT HOLD ME RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING THEY CHOOSE TO DO TO YOU, OR YOUR SERVER, IN RETALIATION FOR YOUR WRITING. 

IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING ON BEHALF OF THE JUICY CEREBELLUM, WRITE TO YOUR SENATORS, CONGRESSMEN AND LEGISLATORS.  IF YOU'RE TOO STUPID AND/OR LAZY TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR SENATORS, CONGRESSMEN AND LEGISLATORS, WRITE ME, TELL ME WHAT STATE YOU LIVE IN, AND I'LL FIND THE ADDRESSES FOR YOU.  DON'T WRITE TO ME SAYING YOU'RE FROM CANADA (I get that one a lot), AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.  THIS IS THE WORLD WIDE WEB, NOT THE AMERICAN WEB, AND WHAT MAPS IS DOING AFFECTS ALL OF US, NOT JUST THOSE OF US IN THE UNITED STATES.  IF YOU LIVE IN CANADA, OR ANY OTHER COUNTRY, AND ARE TOO STUPID AND/OR LAZY TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR POLITICAL LEADERS, WRITE ME, TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE FROM, AND I'LL FIND THE ADDRESSES FOR YOU.

And please, never send me another email explaining how you "helped" me by writing to MAPS on my "behalf."  It keeps me up at night.  Thanks.

Make sure to check back for "The Nerd Who Stole Freedom," based on the classic Dr. Seuss story, "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas"!!!

Wanna write to Alex?  Got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to: alex@juicycerebellum.com.  Please send a carbon copy of your email to ottoslop@hotmail.com.

2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. 

Other MAPS-RBL related updates:

How it all started

How you all responded

Other tales of terror inspired by MAPS

Those of you sick of reading about MAPS can go

Back to the table of brains

or

Back to the mind-map.