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Beowulf LogoVersus Indiana Jones logo
Or: Shut the Fuck Up, Mom and Dad!
Written by: Alex Sandell

I'm getting sick and tired of people bitching that the newly released Beowulf cartoon should be rated "R" and is too violent for their tender tweens to view.  "PG-13 is the new R," they claim.  "When I was young," they tell me, "my parents could feel safe dropping me off at a PG rated movie." When I bring up the PG rated Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Poltergeist, Clash of the Titans, Gremlins and Jaws they go ballistic. "Those movies weren't nearly as bad as Beowulf," they swear while taking a break from writing their congressman about banning the latest Grand Theft Auto videogame.

These people are seeing the Beowulf cartoon through a set of perspective distorting "parenting goggles" (not to mention 3-D glasses).  Now that they have kids of their own, things that were perfectly acceptable are intolerable and "warping the youth."  They got through Raiders, Temple of Doom, Poltergeist, Gremlins and Jaws just fine when they were kids and young teenagers, but God forbid their children get to have a similar experience.

Face it folks -- American parents have turned into a bunch of fucking pussies.

But since they refuse to believe the PG-13 rated Beowulf cartoon is less violent than the live-action PG movies of the past, I'm here to prove them wrong, once and for all. Hopefully that way they'll stop their whining and we can all go back to enjoying movies without a chorus of complainers making those annoying clicking sounds with their tongues whenever they want the rest of us to know how disgusted they are by what's taking place on screen.

How is the PG rated Raiders of the Lost Ark scarier/more violent than the PG-13 Beowulf? Try tarantulas all over a guys back, a rotted corpse popping out on spikes, a freshly killed character with a spike through his head and another his neck (all this in the first 10 or 15 minutes), a snake pit filled with lunging snakes and corpses that pop out and make "screaming" sounds and have giant boa-constrictors squirming their way through their innards, a guy getting chopped apart by an airplane propeller, another guy getting his hand burned on a hot medallion and screaming wildly, some villain getting a bullet in his head, another dude dropping dead with a back full of poisoned arrows, angels turning into flying/screaming skeletons as they approach the screen and a bunch of people having their faces melted in a very graphic fashion, their eyeballs popping out and their heads exploding.

Since pictures are worth a thousand words, let's have a look, shall we? These are shots from Raiders of the Lost Ark -- a PG rated film that was marketed as a rollicking adventure fun for the whole family:

Raiders of the Lost Ark spikes through head

Alright, that's pretty nasty. Worse than anything found in the cartoon Beowulf. Imagine it on a  big screen jumping out at you and you'll understand why this movie scared the shit out of me as a child (but I loved every shit-scaring minute). Still not convinced? Still think the cartoon Beowulf tops spikes through a guys head? How about this, from the same PG rated movie:

Raiders of the Lost Ark melting head

Ouch. Now that's gotta hurt. Or this:

Raiders of the Lost Ark angel turns to screaming skull

May  not look all that scary, but considering she flew gently toward the camera as a beautiful angel and then suddenly turned into a monstrous demon/ghost/corpse once she filled the screen, it scared the hell out of many people -- adults included. A similar scene happened in the family film Ghostbusters at the beginning in the library. Unfortunately, I can't locate a picture.

rotted corpse

Even Indy's old friends (or competitors) aren't in the best shape. Here's Jones paying visit to a rotted buddy of his toward the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

But why stop there, when there's still the PG rated Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?

Temple of Doom flaming heart

Ah,  nothing like a flaming heart ripped from an innocent victim by a mad cultist with corpses on display behind him for decoration. The cartoon Beowulf is much worse, right?

Bloody heart pulled from body

And what could be worse than what's worse than the cartoon Beowulf? How about a bloody (and still beating) heart pulled from the body prior to both the heart and the body being sent into flames? This also happened in the PG rated Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Drinking blood

I don't remember Beowulf being tortured and force-fed blood from a human skull. Maybe I was too caught up in the 3-D FX at the Imax to notice. In the actual movie (Indiana Jones, not the cartoon Beowulf), blood pours from the mouth of the skull directly into our hero's mouth. Still wanna tell me that PG-13 movies have gotten more violent than PG rated films were when you were a kid? Or did you simply grow up to be a gigantic pansy?

Temple of Doom skewer dinner scene

How about a flaming skewer thrown by our hero (Indy) into a tortured bad guy? Not exactly family-fare, right? But Temple of Doom was advertised as a film for the whole family and I know a lot of families that went (including mine).  And we loved every damn minute of it. Well, every damn minute without that annoying Willie bitch.

Jaws Quint getting devoured by the shark

Jaws was full of violence, but unfortunately I couldn't find any shots of the decapitated head, the devoured corpse that washed up on the beach, the dismembered leg, etc. etc. I did find this blurry shot of Quint getting chowed down upon by the Great White. Yes, this movie was rated PG. Yes, it was more violent than the PG-13 cartoon Beowulf. Oh, it also showed full frontal nudity. With a real female, not a CG Angelina Jolie Barbie doll looking thing with glowing golden moss covering her nipples.

Angelina Jolie nude

I did find plenty of shots from the PG rated Poltergeist. Plenty of shots that are plenty worse than anything in the PG-13 cartoon Beowulf that has soccer moms and NASCAR dads undies all up in a bunch. Here are a couple:

Poltergeist tearing face apart

Pretty, huh? Pretty ugly compared to anything in the cartooon Beowulf. And this is just the beginning of the gore found in the PG rated Poltergeist.

Poltergeist closet monster

Gives a whole new meaning to coming out of the closet (probably how Republicans have envisioned it from the beginning). And is a pissload scarier than the animated Grendel (who was still a groovy monster) in the cartoon Beowulf.

Unfortunately I can't find any pics of all the corpses in the swimming pool at the end of the PG rated Poltergeist, so you're just gonna have to rent it. Man, those screaming corpses scared me. But not as much as that freaky clown scared my younger brother. Stupid freaky clown scaring my younger sibling.

Why not close with this juicy shot from Clash of the Titans -- another PG rated film advertised for children and featuring a ton of nudity and violence?

Clash of the Titans Off With Her Head!

Or maybe this, from the 1977 beloved family classic, Star Wars: A New Hope?

Star Wars chopped off arm

Or its 1980 sequel, The Empire Strikes Back?

The Empire Strikes Back Luke loses his hand

Nah, we'll end on a shot from the prolonged, horrible death of Stripe in the PG rated Gremlins (filmmakers seemed to have a thing for melting faces back then).

Stripe death Gremlins

This was too much to handle for the 8-year-old children in the audience. Especially after Kate's Santa Claus story, "
It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn't home. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That's when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He'd been climbing down the chimney... arms loaded with presents. He slipped and broke his neck. And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus."

As far as the sexual content in the cartoon Beowulf deserving an R rating? Hmm. Jaws had a topless girl running along the beach at the beginning showing her non-cartoon tits (and they were large) and her non-cartoon nipples. PG rated Airplane!(one of the funniest movies ever) had a stewardess giving her inflatable co-pilot a blowjob, causing the co-pilot to get a shit-eating grin on his face. It also had a panic scene where everyone in the plane is running everywhere and, in one of the most gratuitous nudity shots in cinematic history, has a woman with big boobs stop in front of the camera -- completely topless -- and jump up and down so her breasts jiggle for the audience's viewing pleasure. I paused that scene on video and masturbated over it when I was a teen, just because I could.

Since when does "PG" or "PG-13" mean "Made For Kids," in the first place? PG means "Parental Guidance." Maybe these parents should actually GUIDE their children rather than coming onto message boards afterward to whine and moan about how awful movies are when they're unknowingly giving away nothing more than how awful their parenting skills are. My mom and dad went to every single movie before I saw it, to see if it was appropriate for me to see. Now parents have detailed descriptions telling them what's in the movie and they still can't figure out whether or not the movie is suited for their spawn?

How can parents complain that a PG-13 movie was violent and had partial nudity when the RATING DESCRIPTION itself for the cartoon Beowulf -- which is on all the posters and in all the ads -- reads, "Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sexual material and nudity." It's hard to believe parents take their kids to these films and then stomp out demanding a refund. As a theater owner I'd refuse to issue them a refund and ask them what part of, "INTENSE sequences of VIOLENCE, DISTURBING images, SEXUAL material and NUDITY" they didn't understand.

Mom and dads can no longer avoid the content description of a film as an announcer READS it aloud on both the television and radio commercials and all print media lists this content anywhere and everywhere it can be read. So parents have NO excuse unless they're both deaf and blind. Anyone complaining about the content of a PG-13 movie once they chose to bring their offspring to the film is obviously already dumb.

Personally, I cannot stand hearing what content is in a film, as I consider it a spoiler. Why are we all supposed to parent somebody else's child if they can't handle parenting that child themselves? Of course children/teens are going to get away with things they shouldn't, even with the best adults doing the greatest parenting. But that's part of growing up. This fear of anything and everything "corrupting" the youth is successfully crippling our society and the ability of adults to parent responsibly without expecting somebody else to do it for them.

It takes a village? Oh, fuck off, Hillary. It takes decent parenting. Leave us villagers alone.

Email Alex

The above text is Copyright 2007 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy it without my permission and a melting face will be the least of your worries. That's right -- I went there!

You're nut number to dare enter this page since March 14th, 1997!

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