The Juicy Cerebellum's "Best
of" 1999 List
Written by: Alex Sandell
Well, it's a month into the year 2000, and I'm already starting to look back fondly on all of the pleasant memories and events of 1999. Being that most magazines and newspapers and paper placemats at Chinese Restaurants have been busy unveiling their "best of" lists for over three weeks, now, I figured I had better get mine out there, for the world to see. So, since I'm running on about 1 minute sleep, and am sick of typing this poorly-worded introduction which would be no good, even if there wasn't an over-abundance of commas, and a bunch of words strung together in a jumbled mess that I'm trying to pass off as proper English, here it is:
Best Movie of 1999
Would have been American Beauty if The Iron Giant wasn't so damn amazing. This was probably the only time in '99 where I completely lost myself in a film. I left the theater believing that there really are heroes; even if they're nothing more than big clunky metal things that can fly. As I've written before, the film put tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. Being that I had just been mysteriously dumped by the girl I was with for 3 years, that is nothing short of a miracle.
Best Sex of 1999
Would have to be with the girl who dumped me mysteriously after 3 years. It (the sex) occurred two days after moving into our new apartment (sometime in July). It was very passionate, and went on for hours. Her breasts felt especially smooth that day, and when she smiled at me, I felt like we had made a connection that went beyond inserting penis A into vagina B, and into forever. She left me soon afterward, so I'm guessing the magical smile was simply her response to successfully holding in a fart, or something.
Best and Most Successful
Attempt at Holding in a Fart of 1999
Was made by my EX, as she smiled at me, during the best sex of 1999.
Best Excuse for Dumping
Me of 1999
"I don't know why." This honor also goes to my gas-concealing, and extremely indecisive, EX.
Best SPAM of 1999
Came from "findout@NOW" (a fake address, obviously), who told me that I could find out ANYTHING about any of my friends by calling their 1-800 number, and then failed to give out the number. Maybe there's a Y2K follow-up, or something. The first SPAM sent out in installments; anti-spammers could feel like their life had a purpose for MONTHS, with that one!
Best CD of 1999
"Alcatraz" by The Mr. T Experience: I'm gonna get a lot of shit for this one, being that I seem to be the only person I know that actually enjoyed this fine collection of pop-punk (strong emphasis on the "pop"). It just felt like Dr. Frank (lead singer, guitarist, only original member of the band) got back on track, and wasn't trying so hard to please the 13-year-old girls who were catered to so strongly on Love is Dead and Revenge is Sweet.
Best Concert of 1999
This one also goes to The Mr. T Experience. My friends and I drove three hours, only to find that it was sold out. Amazingly enough, Dr. Frank still remembered me, even though we hadn't talked in over two years, and convinced the people running the concert that they should let me, and all of the people I was with, in to see the show. The entire band received Juicy Cerebellum T-shirts, which I'm sure none of them have worn, for the effort. The concert itself? As good as they get.
Best New TV Show of 1999
Angel. This spin-off may not live up to the better days of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but it's still the strongest new hour of television in an extremely weak year for TV. I feel obligated to mention Freaks and Geeks as a close runner-up. The show is hilarious. Plus, for like the first time in history, the entire cast aren't a bunch of sexy looking turds that would never take the time to talk to you in Junior High.
Best Friend of 1999
Would make all my other friends feel jealous.
Best Failed Attempt at
Scoring With My Underage Cousin of 1999
Was made by my 27-year-old friend, Dave, whose seduction tactics included a prank call where he repeatedly asked my cousin if she knew who he was, and then proceeded to hang up on her, when she couldn't figure it out.
Best Book of 1999
Moby-Dick. Okay, so I may be off by a couple (hundred) years, but 1999 was my first time reading it, and it was totally awesome. The only books I read in 1999 that came out in 1999 were Tomcat in Love, Stiffed, Perfect Murder, Perfect Town, All Too Human and Hannibal; all of which were fairly disappointing and/or mediocre. Well, Tomcat in Love was pretty amusing, I guess.
Best Failed Attempt at
Having Sex With a Long-Term Friend of 1999
Was made by my friend Heather, and I, after we had both been dumped, and decided it would probably be best to "do it" with each other at least once, just so we could go on with our lives knowing that the last genital we touched wasn't that of our evil EX's. We never ended up having sex, but we did eat Papa John's pizza while listening to Weird Al. That's just as good, right?
Best Stalker of 1999
Goes to a girl I'll just call "Persistent," who sent me about 30 gifts, called me about 300 times, even though I repeatedly hung up on her, and showed up in November, on my doorstep, wearing her Juicy Cerebellum T-Shirt, and nothing else. (She wasn't actually wearing "nothing else," but I thought it sounded good.)
Best Video Game of 1999
Was definitely Donkey Kong 64. I hate to admit how much I like this game, since I'm a big fan of the Playstation console, and DK was released exclusively on the crappy piece of junk known as Nintendo 64. Sure, it's no side-scroller, and, like all 3-D games, it plods along at a leisurely pace that occasionally makes you want to kick in your TV screen as you swear off anything "gorilla" related, but DK64's colossal world does completely envelop you, and doesn't let you escape until you finish it off (which takes about 70-80 hours to do; and that's if you're good).
Best Totally Drunk
Stranger Who Decided to Walk Into My Apartment, and Demand he Stay, of 1999
Was this totally drunk stranger who met up with my Aunt and Cousin as they were walking into the Apartment I was living in, and decided to follow them in, and then refuse to leave. It was when he started trying to play a video cassette on my computer that we finally called the cops. It was one of the most bizarre moments that life has handed me.
Best Plans That Never
Happened of 1999
Were made with this one girl that I was friends with for like 17 minutes. We were going to buy two BMW motorcycles and drive to every Presidential Birthplace in America. The problem? No money. Plus, the whole thing seemed kind of nerdy.
Best Job of 1999
Was at Little Caesar's, because I was hired, but never actually worked there. I ended up getting two free bags of breadsticks and a half-priced pizza. It went out of business now, so I guess I also got a free cap and uniform out of the deal.
Best Free Cap and Uniform
Was from Little Caesar's pizza. The shirt's really ugly, and the cap looks totally moronic. I plan on wearing it to the next gathering that demands "formal" attire.
Best Porno of 1999
Was Virtual Sex With Jenna. It may be short, and a gigantic rip-off at $35.00, but it's interactive, and she says "fuck my cunt! C'mon - stick it in me!!!" in such a romantic way.
And, that's it; your typical "best of" list, starting with a family film, and ending with a porno. I'm sure I'll think of more stuff to add, later. I'll probably send it out in my next newsletter. If you want to join the Totally Juicy List, simply send an email to email@example.com which reads, "hey, midgets are people, too!"
©2000 ALEX SANDELL [ALL RIGHTS RESERVED]. YOU MAY NOT QUOTE, COPY OR USE ANY PART OF THIS UPDATE, IN ANY FORM, WITHOUT EXPRESS PERMISSION FROM ALEX SANDELL.
ALEX SANDELL WAS BORN IN A SMALL FISHING VILLAGE IN TEXAS, AND IS CURRENTLY EMPLOYED AS A ROCKET SCIENTIST IN TENNESSEE.
Wanna write to Alex? Got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to: firstname.lastname@example.org
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