Big Fat Bitch With a Knife
Written by: Alex Sandell

Big Fat Bitch With a Knife stands in the corner claiming she is the Lizard King. She can do anything. I convulse in-time with the latest MC Hammer release. It's Christian. God can dig it. We're waiting for One-Titted Lady and her sidekick, Midget the Midget. Midget was born an orphan and One-Titted Lady was born without a brain. She adopted Midget when he was only 37 years old and, without a brain, she had trouble coming up with a name for him. She finally chose Midget. Being that he already was a midget, he became Midget the Midget, so as not to be confused with Midget the Tall Guy or Midget the Average Height Person. It's a trademark thing. You'd have to ask Ivana Trump. Anyway, Big Fat Bitch With a Knife and myself sit waiting for the two of them because they have the inside scoop on the Y2K bug. They found it inside of Richard Simmon's ass when he went comatose immediately upon hearing people thought he was gay. "How can you say that??? I've never been with a woman!" He screamed. It's a mystery. I'm getting nervous around Big Fat Bitch With a Knife because she's been known to use it. Being that I'm having a seizure and MC Hammer is just a CD, I really have no way to fight this thing. Finally Midget the Midget arrives. He's brought along Bob "Not My Grandpa" Bobby. One-Titted Lady is no where in sight. "Where the hell's One-Titted Lady?" Big Fat Bitch With a Knife asks. "She's at home, guarding her tit", Midget the Midget answers while shitting on the floor. When you only have one breast, you look after it as if it were gold. A golden breast, even. A golden breast that gives milk. Mmmmm . . . miiiiiiiiiiiilk. I remember when One-Titted Lady went to have breast-implants but left in tears when the doctor told her it would actually be a "breast implant; drop the 's'". "Implant" he said. This was the first time One-Titted Lady actually realized she only had one breast. Before this moment she thought people simply called her One-Titted Lady because she was addicted to Ginseng. The truth can hurt. I finally come out of my seizure and turn off the MC Hammer. "Do you have the goods?" I ask, while holding my penis in a gesture of some faith or another. With so many organized religions, who really cares, anymore? "Yeeeeeah," Bob "Not My Grandpa" Bobby whines back, "you got the dough?" Bob "Not My Grandpa" Bobby used to be black, but he isn't anymore. Now he's African-American. That whole "black" thing ended back when Nirvana was big and people had their wallets attached to chains. Did I mention I'm no longer epileptic!?!!! It's a friggin' miracle! The doctor has now re-diagnosed me with a "seizure-disorder"! Woo-hoo! Next thing you know I won't be a sucky writer, but "someone who tries to write". This PC shit is great. "I am the Lizard King," Big Fat Bitch With a Knife yells, pulling me from my PC-sprinkled thoughts, "I can do anything!" "I beat 'Pitfall' and took a picture!" Bobby proclaims, making no sense. Big Fat Bitch goes crazy and stabs Bob "Not My Grandpa" Bobby 37 times. All in the crotch. Midget the Midget looks worried. "Is he dead?" He asks. "Looks that way," I return, feeling a bit nervous myself. "I can do ANYTHING!" Big Fat Bitch screams. "Full House" comes on the TV. We watch it quietly. Bob is naturally quiet, being that he's dead. The rest of us are quiet just because that Bob Saget's so gal-dang funny. Big Fat Bitch With a Knife says she wants to marry him. She then farts. We laugh together over her gas. "He's the inside scoop on the Y2K bug" Midget the Midget reveals. "It's been Bob, all along." "Why are there so many Bobs in this story?" I reply, while squeezing my left nut to see if it turns into bacon, "it really isn't very good writing, on my part.". "Because Bob is the Bob!" Dead Bob yells. I notice he has a boner and my testicle still isn't bacon. "You're alive?!?" Midget the Midget asks, sounding astounded. Before Bob "Not My Grandpa" Bobby answers, Big Fat Bitch With a Knife cuts his head off and sticks it in her cunt. It's like giving birth, backward. Talk about "getting head". "There's only room for one Bob in this story," she declares, "and he's on 'Full House'". We laugh again and make popcorn. The world is saved.

email me at alex@juicycerebellum.com. I'm horny.

1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Did I say that already?

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