SAVING THE CEREBELLUM ONE
BOOB AT A TIME
Written by: Alex Sandell
3 years and 5 months ago, on March 14, 1997, I took on the responsibility of running an ongoing webpage which would be updated regularly, never compromise in its beliefs, and would be authored exclusively by one man, me. I promised you a Webmaster who is not isolated from the people, who feels your pain, and who shared your dreams and who draws his strength and his wisdom from topless pictures of his female readers. . . .
Ten days ago I had promised to upload Juicy Juicy Gets Juicy V: More pointless nudity, a message from Jesus and a couple of squirt guns filled up with milk. For the fifth time I would have defended a woman's right to be proud of her body, no matter what her age, weight, skin-color or height, and also would have laid out a series of topless photos featuring a Juicy Cerebellum fan confident enough in her own self-worth to take off her shirt, write the words "Juicy Cerebellum" on her breasts, and display her beauty to the world. But as I was preparing to scan the pictures, I began to ask myself the same question that I now know has been troubling many of you. Why have we not been able to get together as Juicy Cerebellum readers to get more women to take off their shirts and show us their boobies?
It's clear that the true problems of The Juicy Cerebellum are much deeper-deeper than modest women or lack of digital cameras, deeper even than insecurity or dried out markers. And I realize more than ever that as Webmaster I need your help. So, I decided to reach out and listen to the voices of Juicy Cerebellum readers.
I invited to Minnesota women with almost every bra-size, whether they be teachers, preachers, Governors, mayors, or private citizens. And then I left Minnesota to listen to other Juicy Cerebellum readers, men and women like you. It has been an extraordinary ten days, and I want to share with you what I've heard. . . .
These ten days confirmed my belief in the willingness of Juicy Cerebellum readers to make like it's Mardi-Gras, and take off their tops, but it also bore out some of my long-standing concerns about some of those readers' underlying problems.
I know, of course, being Webmaster, that not every woman reading my page can take off her shirt. That's why I've worked hard to be extra nice to any woman over the age of 18. But after listening to Juicy Cerebellum readers I have been reminded again that all the legal women in the world can't fix what's wrong with The Juicy Cerebellum. So, I want to speak to you first tonight about a subject even more serious than a mastectomy. I want to talk to you right now about a fundamental threat to The Juicy Cerebellum.
I do not mean our rights to view pornography or get a hooker in Vegas. They will endure. And I do not refer to the outward strength of The Juicy Cerebellum, a web page still growing in readership, and satirical might.
The threat is nearly invisible in ordinary ways. It is a crisis of confidence. It is a crisis that strikes at the very heart and soul and spirit of a woman's willingness to whip out her breasts and snap a few pictures. We can see this crisis in the growing doubt about the meaning of our own lives and in the loss of a unity of purpose for The Juicy Cerebellum.
The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the nude jpegs that are the fabric of The Juicy Cerebellum. . . .
The symptoms of this crisis of Juicy Cerebellum reader spirit are all around us. For the first time in the history of this page a majority of our people believe that the next three years will bring about less topless women than the past three years. Two-thirds of female Juicy Cerebellum readers will not even take off their shirts. The ability of male Juicy Cerebellum readers to convince their girlfriends to show off their knockers for the page is actually dropping, and the willingness of recent male Juicy Cerebellum readers to save pictures of their nude girlfriends for the future has fallen below that of all other people who have enjoyed this page before them. . . .
Often you see paralysis and stagnation and drift. You don't like it, and neither do I. What can we do?
First of all, we must face the truth, and then we can change our course. We simply must have faith in each other, faith in our ability to either A.) take off our shirts and show our boobs to the camera or B.) convince all of our female friends and relatives to take off their shirts and show their boobs to the camera. We simply must have faith in each other, faith in our ability to lower our inhibitions, and faith in the future of The Juicy Cerebellum. Restoring that faith and that confidence to Juicy Cerebellum readers is now the most important task we face. It is a true challenge of this entire readership.
We are at a turning point in Juicy history. There are two paths to choose. One is a path I've warned about tonight, the path that leads to modesty and self-interest. Down that road lies a mistaken idea of freedom, the right to grasp for ourselves a pair of tits that we will not share with others. That path would be one of constant conflict between narrow interests ending in chaos and immobility. It is a certain route to failure.
All the traditions of our past, all the lessons we've learned from the very women posing in the pictures I have placed on this page, all the promises of our future point to another path, the path of common purpose and the restoration of full-frontal nudity. That path leads to true freedom for The Juicy Cerebellum and ourselves. We can take the first steps down that path by pulling out the markers, taking off the bras, and shooting the pictures.
As it stands, I cannot put up the fifth Juicy Juicy Gets Juicy update until I am confident that I can follow it with a sixth. Help yourself by helping us all. Don't leave The Juicy Cerebellum at a standstill.
ARE YOU FEMALE? ARE YOU AT LEAST 18? Well then, get out a marker, and ready the camera! If you love life JUICY, don't just say it, bare it! Send in your photos! If you don't have a scanner, send your pics to Alex Sandell PO Box 331, Alexandria, MN 56308. All women will receive a free Juicy Cerebellum T-Shirt for being such groovy people! *THE WORD "JUICY" MUST BE WRITTEN ON ONE BREAST AND THE WORD "CEREBELLUM" MUST BE WRITTEN ON THE OTHER TO RECEIVE THE FREE SHIRT*
DO YOU KNOW A FEMALE? IS SHE AT LEAST 18? Well then, ask her to get out a marker, and ready the camera! Send in her photos! If you don't have a scanner, send her pics to Alex Sandell PO Box 331, Alexandria, MN 56308. All men will receive two free Juicy Cerebellum T-Shirts (one for him and one for her) for being such groovy people! *THE WORD "JUICY" MUST BE WRITTEN ON ONE BREAST AND THE WORD "CEREBELLUM" MUST BE WRITTEN ON THE OTHER TO RECEIVE THE FREE SHIRT*
Ironically enough, this inspirational update wasn't written entirely by me. Can you guess who helped me out? If you send me the correct answer, I'll send you the URL to the Juicy Juicy Gets Juicy V: More pointless nudity, a message from Jesus and a couple of squirt guns filled up with milk before I put it up as an official update! (Hint: This update may be parodying something written long ago.) Email me your answers/guesses!
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