First came the "Guru"
Next was the "Swami" ...
But both of them failed in the pursuit of
perfectly predicting the weekend
Due to frustration,
and a drunken bet with Satan,
God has gave his
only begotten Son,
the one, the only,
Whosoever believeth in him
shall not look stupid at the water
cooler on Monday due to making
foolish film predictions. Let the games
Weekend of July 19th - 21st, 2002
I'm afraid the number one spot will be hogged by the insipid Stuart Little 2. That obnoxious rat, that annoying cat and the voice of Melanie Griffith and the beady-eyed face of Geena Davis will send anyone involved with this picture immediately to Hell. So just keep telling yourself, "they'll burn in Hell for this!" while vacating the theater and you'll feel a little bit better about the money you spent on this film when you could have purchased dozens of mousetraps with it, instead. Imagining someone being tortured for eternity because they somehow wronged you is a Christian tradition and it saves you big bucks on therapy! Speaking of big bucks, I'm guessing Stuart Little 2 will leave the theater this weekend with 31.8 million dollars.
Harrison Ford is going to have to settle for being second to a rat when his new film, K-19: The Widowmaker takes the number two spot on the charts. Oh, how far he has sunk since the days of Han and Indy. Can anyone tell me why people still go to films about submarines? Can anyone else tell me why Harrison Ford doesn't hire a better agent? These submarine flicks are tremendously boring and, if you'll pardon the pun, the genre is sinking fast. Get it? "Sinking?" Anyway, about 24.1 million dollars worth of ticket buyers will fork over their hard-earned cash to watch Ford pretend he's a Russian. Click here to read Alex's review of the film.
Nobody really likes it, but there isn't much else out there in the way of drawn-out, melodramatic crap, so I'm sure Road to Perdition will take the number three spot with 16.4 million dollars. Click here to read Alex's insightful review of the film!
If this were reality, those Eight Legged Freaks would chow down on Stuart Little and take his spot at the top, but cinema is fantasy, and so are both of these movies (obviously). Eight Legged Freaks should crawl their way into the number four spot with about 11.3 million dollars. Yes, even with that David Arquette moron starring in it (did I mention that he's also going to hell?) Be back tomorrow to read Alex's review of the film!
One of the worst sequels ever made will spend its last weekend in the top five when Men in Black II stumbles into the number five spot with about 11.2 million dollars. This sequel is dying faster than Will Smith's rap career. Box Office Jesus finds it all to be quite humorous. Do you want me to let you in on a little secret? Men in Black II is Hell. Seriously. It's been playing down there for thousands of years, already. Lucifer finally sent it up to you guys, just for a laugh. You think that's bad, wait until you see the second film in what had been known as "Hell's Double bill," Austin Powers: Goldmember! It's Hell baby, yeah!
Be back here Monday to see how close Jesus was in his picks! Also, send in an email with your top five picks and you could win a free Juicy Cerebellum shirt! You can send your picks in no later than Friday morning at 11 AM Eastern Time. The person to actually come up with the closest picks is sent the shirt! Cool, huh? Just email in your first and last name, age, address and telephone number, along with your top five picks, and what you think they will make, and you'll be entered into the contest!
Email Alex (he'll do his best to get your message to Jesus)!
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ęCopyright 2002 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without my permission, I'll ask Jesus to have his dad beat up your dad!