Dear Everyone,

In the season premiere of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Willow kills a deer.  Get over it, already.  At least, quit writing to me, solely to bitch about it.  I don't write for Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I never did.  If I did, my season premiere would be even less PC, as is evidenced by my fanfic script, Weekend at Buffy's.  

Has America went nutty, or something?  Why did I get 5 emails, all basically asking me to rethink my television viewing habits -- my weekly viewing of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, in particular -- because one of the characters stabs a deer during some stupid ritual?  Are you telling me none of you have indulged in dead flesh?  Do you think that piece of bacon/chicken/beef/lobster/ass didn't have to die for your dietary "needs?"  Even if you don't eat meat, WHY ARE YOU WRITING TO ME TO BITCH ABOUT A DEER BEING KILLED OFF-SCREEN ON BUFFY, AS THOUGH I MAGICALLY HAVE THE POWER TO REWRITE THE EPISODE AND MAKE THE WORLD SAFE FOR BAMBI, ONCE AGAIN? In my opinion, the deer killing thingy was about the only thingy that made the disastrous two hour season premiere watchable. 

If Buffy doesn't improve, I may change my viewing habits, and drop the show like overcooked kitten, but it will have nothing to do with that stupid deer "dying."  I would have been surprised if one person would have written me saying, "Willow killed a deer.......don't watch Buffy, anymore!", but having five people send me that message has sent my jaw to the floor, where it's currently mingling with the leftover BBQ ribs and chicken bones. 

I'd like to write more on this whole incident, and on the Buffy season premiere, in general, but I adopted a puppy last week, and raising a puppy all by yourself takes up about 97% of your time, 98% of your sleep, and 99% of your mental health (I was already lacking in 2 out of 3 of those, anyway).  It also makes it really, REALLY hard to write an update. 

In the course of typing out the above four paragraphs, I've had to run after my puppy and prevent him from chewing electrical chords twice, had to grab different objects that he isn't supposed to be eating out of his mouth three times (a CD case, a bolt, and an OXY daily cleaning pad), had to stop him from piercing my ear with his teeth at least seven times (puppies like to chew), had to clean up his poop once, had to endure accidentally getting a glimpse of this big red boner he got for no apparent reason once, had to give him fresh water once, and had to take him outside and sit with him for ten minutes, as he sniffed around for the right place to pee, and decided to chase leaves, instead.  Still, I love animals, especially dogs, and this fine canine is no exception.  My complaints are petty (not related to Tom), and I love this puppy.  To be honest, if he keeps being so damn lovable, I may have to settle on vegetarian stir-fry next Chinese New Year.  Either that, or Venison. 

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Your frightening neighbor in the basement next door,
Alex Sandell

back to the juicy cerebellum