It's A Hungry World,
Cannibalism in the late 20th Century
Written by: Alex Sandell
Due to ongoing issues regarding overpopulation and hunger, humans are now filling their guts through one of nature's oldest taboos: cannibalism. The idea first became popular in China, where, if you have more than 2 kids, you're forced to eat them. China has been practicing this odd form of infanticide for decades now, but only in the past few years have other countries realized how effective it is. "It's pretty effective," Dr. Gluttony was quoted as saying in the USA Today, which is about to introduce a spin-off newspaper tentatively titled, How To Eat Someone From the USA, Today. Other scientists, with less ironic last names, are in agreement with Gluttony, and hope to be some of the first people from America to eat one of their peers.
"America is the last place a person can live without being legally ate," Dr. Hannibal Lector was overheard saying at a lecture given to family farmers who came from all parts of the Midwest to hear the infamous cannibal speak. "How long are we going to continue to let the Government steal potential product from you, without causing an uproar? The prisons across America are grossly overpopulated, and every day a criminal is stuck behind bars, rather than naively grazing on your farm, he's busy taking away your profit." "As much as I hate to admit it, I'd have to agree with Dr. Lector," Chief Justice of the United States, William H. Rehnquist told The Juicy Cerebellum earlier today. "Residents of Singapore are currently on a diet consisting of nothing but hardened criminals. And, in Singapore, you're considered a hardened criminal if you're caught chewing gum. That's a lot of food." At this, Rehnquist cut his interview with The Juicy Cerebellum short, claiming he was needed at a "very important" conference in Singapore.
It was only three months ago that Canada added human meat to its diet. So far, in Canada, only members of the Monarchy can eat human flesh. Usually that of their loyal subjects; at least those located outside of Quebec. Even the Monarchy has been denied the chance at eating a person of French decent, making meals scarce, and human meat a delicacy rarely enjoyed. Still, this is only appropriate, being that people from France have so far been denied the chance at eating a member of the Monarchy.
It has been said that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, who is rumored to be getting quite senile, would just love to "chow down upon that bitchy Queen of England." No one has had the heart to tell the Queen the sad news that, in 1774, only a year or two before she was born, The Quebec Act insured that she, being Queen of Canada, was also the Queen of England (and vice-versa). If the Queen's senile wish were to be granted, she would essentially be eating herself out; something she hasn't even attempted since the late 1950s. "She was more dexterous, then," Prince Charles claims.
It's rumored that British Prime Minister Tony Blair is going to attempt to feed the Queen Prince Charles' long time lover, Camilla Parker Bowles, in one of the most obvious acts of trickery in British history. "'Camilla Chowder' may be to Her Majesty's liking," says Blair, "and may be just the right consistency to convince the Queen that she actually swallowed herself; something she hasn't even attempted since the early 1970s." "Those crazy Brits" is all US President Bill Clinton had to say, in a prepared response made to a small group of people who were protesting the devouring of Camilla Parker Bowles.
Clinton's lack of intervention surprised many, being that it was only days ago that the President vetoed a bill which would have allowed America's richest 1% to eat the poorest 20. "It just didn't seem right," said Clinton. "The rich get so much, in this country, and the poor don't even get health care. Think of all the untreated diseases they could spread, if people started eating them!" Republicans are expected to shut down the White House if they don't get their meal . . . er, "way."
"It's got to happen sometime," said Republican Senator, and Presidential hopeful, Orrin "Down The Hatch" Hatch, "it may as well be now." Hatch plans to run exclusively on his Cannibalism policy for the rest of the Presidential Race. If elected, the Senator hopes to clear a road to cannibalism within the first year of his Presidency. "Anyone but Mormons" is the Utah Senator's answer, when asked which humans would be considered legally edible.
Anyway you cut it, humans are becoming the main course around the world, and surely, America, and its millions of stomachs, will follow. So, be prepared, USA . . . the next time someone calls you a "ham," they may actually mean it!
Every damn bit of text is ęCopyright 1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. I've got my fork and knife, a rumbling stomach, and a horrible craving for the first copyright violator that I meat. Did I say "meat?" I meant, "meet." Silly fuckin' me.
Drawing of hot naked chick dumping out the bones of a freshly ate human is ęCopyright 1999 Sean Simmans [All Rights Reserved].
Email Alex at firstname.lastname@example.org
Back to the table of brains
Back to The Juicy Cerebellum