We've all heard the amazing story of the oil that burned for 8 days one time a long time ago. Sadly, especially to those who derive their income from selling candles, this whole tale is about as real as December 25th being Jesus Christ's birthday. Yet, as we all know, one candle-maker's loss is a pornographer's gain, and there is a true story of Chanukah; one which has never been revealed . . . until now. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to,
The Eight Days
The Real Story of Chanukah, by: Alex Sandell
During Chanukah, Jews celebrate a bunch of stuff, including the victory Maccabee had over the Syrians, and the rededication of the Jerusalem Temple. More than anything, they celebrate the Festival of Lights, Chanukah, which commemorates the miracle of the oil that was only meant to burn one day, but miraculously burned eight. Or, so we've been told.
Now, let me tell you the real story.
A bunch of years ago, a Jewish Rabbi named Adam Sandler developed a huge guilt complex over all the circumcisions he had performed. Sure, it made the penis look far more masculine, and much more appealing to women, but the actual "snip" hurt like hell. Rabbi Sandler decided that there should be some sort of reward offered to the men who went through this penis mutation. The first thing he thought of, being an avid breast advocate, was a huge pair of knockers to suck on at the boy's Bar Mitzvah. A nice pair the boy could play with for at least a week, just to prove that he's a man (or at least that he sucks).
Being that this was way back a long time ago (exact date is unknown; but it's thought that it occurred somewhere after the dinosaurs went extinct), there were no such things as breast implants. This stumped Rabbi Sandler. Not many women had the triple-D breasts he was looking to give the circumcised boy as reward for the penile pain he endured as an infant. Sandler spent a large chunk of the rest of his life trying to find a solution to this dilemma.
Using shaved bull's balls and M&M's as makeshift tits, Sadler doubled the scrotal size with different types of liquids. The M&M's didn't change much, although it's rumored that they added a new color. After years of trying, he could find nothing that made the big ball feel like a gigantic female melon. Then, one day, when lighting a candle, Rabbi Sandler had an idea . . . oil! Sandler immediately castrated his last bull, and filled the freshly chopped nuts with his remaining candle oil. He doubled the size, and was amazed at how "cantaloupe-like" the testicles felt. Feeling bold, he tripled the size of the scrotum, and still wasn't disappointed. After quadrupling the size, Sandler knew he had found his answer. Now, he just had to find a flat-chested volunteer, and some lame Motley Crue song to dance by.
Woman after woman (and even one desperate guy) volunteered for the procedure. Their boobs did grow significantly larger, but, sadly, they only remained augmented for one day. Finally, after three years of failed attempts, a Jewish woman named Tziporah Zipporah Hootorah walked into Rabbi Sandler's home. Sandler filled her breasts with oil, in a lackluster manner (for the Rabbi had given up hope), and let her sleep in the barn for 24 hours. "The bulls are castrated," he said, "so you don't have to worry."
Surprisingly, upon examining Hootorah's breasts the next day, Sandler noticed no shrinkage. The same thing happened the following day, and the next 6 after that. The oil that was to blimp out a boob for only 24 hours blasted out a couple of fun-bags for EIGHT days! More than enough for the week he planned on blessing each boy that he castrated with, at their Bar Mitzvah.
Since then, Jewish boys across the world, and boys pretending to be Jewish, just to get in on the action, have been sucking exaggerated, distended, extended nipple-hosters for exactly 8 days after their Bar Mitzvah. And, as legend has it, Tziporah Zipporah Hootorah went down in history as the world's first topless dancer; making thousands of dollars just for showing off her oil-filled goodies. Millions of women, tons of silicone, and thousands of years later, we should all light a candle in honor of Adam Sandler, Hootorah and circumcisions everywhere!
Copyright ©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. People that violate other people's copyright's spend their lives filling up bull's balls with oil, in my basement, where I whip them.
Email Alex at firstname.lastname@example.org
If you're one of those PC, "everyone's-against-me and I have no sense of humor" types, wanting to accuse Alex of being Anti-Semitic, please feel free to email him at Icanttakeajoke@amwastingyourtime.com
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