Alex Takes a break, and
Charles Lee Conservative
The Letters to the Webmaster

Being that Alex was up all night partying, and possibly even doing decrepit things like "watching HBO," he allowed me, Charles Lee Conservative, to respond to the first 7 emails in this, what he calls "The Most Massive Email Update EVER!" (He's prone to exaggerate.) Tomorrow, he is having my friend, Bubba Dorkweiner answer some mail. Then, on the third day, the lazy-liberal finally gets off his tired behind, and does some of the work for himself.

Dear Webmaster-
I fell hard for your April Fool's joke. I was about to have a series of Godly debates with you. It scared me.
-Butts Magee

What, are you totally stupid, or something? That April Fool's prank was the most obvious stunt Alex has ever pulled. You must be as moronic as he is, to fall for such gibberish. What kind of name is "Butts," anyway? Grow up.

Dear Webmaster-
Lovely April Fool's joke. I am empty of words.
-The Other Me

Big surprise there. Do they even teach literature in the schools these days, or is it all just "video games 101" and "how to put on a condom, with the lights off?" You juveniles are sick. In my day, the average age for a person to have sex wasn't until 32.

Dear Webmaster-
sheesh!  you scrared me a sec, the neatest page on the web going religious (i have nothing against religion, in fact i'm abit active in my youth group, but i feel eerir around jesus stuff, probally cuz i'm a jew. That was the greatest april fool's joke! You fooled me!

Boy, must've been tough.

Dear Webmaster-
Nice fucking April Fool's joke. You rule, man.

"You rule, man." What does Mr. Sandell "rule," exactly? Does he "rule" because he made light of Christ, and the scriptures, all for the sake of a laugh? Does he "rule" because obviously he'd trade his soul for the admiration of a couple delinquents? Does he "rule" simply because he can be vulgar, and sarcastic? In my day, somebody didn't "rule" unless they did something good for the world. You couldn't just use the "F" word 33,000,000 times and suddenly "rule."

Dear Webmaster-
Good one! But you didn't have me going for a second...Well, ok, maybe a second. But after the "epilepsy is proof of God" line, it hit me like an icepick in the forehead.

"Trampas," "Butts," "Austin," "Mybranhurt," and "The Other Me." Are you all beatniks? Maybe an icepick in the forehead wouldn't have been such a bad idea. There's nothing in there to damage, anyway. And please refrain from saying "good one." My father used to say that, and it reminds me of the old days, when he made us his special maple-syrup. It came out of a tube he kept in his pants. Sure, it was white, instead of the usual brown, but when we pumped it just right, daddy would say, "good one."

Dear Webmaster-
you *almost* had me with that April Fool's- but the sarcasm in the piece showed thru just a little too much to have me going for long ('course, it's hard to fool me anyway... but that's another story.)

A sexual one, I'm sure. Is that all you children think about? Sex? In my day, we liked Howdy-Doody, and a little Andy Griffith, if we were in the mood for being zany. (This usually happened after eating lots of daddy's syrup.)

Dear Webmaster-
holy shit is right, i just want to commend you... i am a christian, <i hate all of the fucking right winged christians>...when you said you were christian now..i thought.."well, ok" then you went on to preach...which made me think "ooo...k?" then, you go on to be as close minded as the one's oppressing you and i thought "great, another fucker lost in the 'hatred' of christianity. you had me so fooled!!! i just want to fully thank you for pulling of the best april fools pranks i have ever been privilaged had me by the balls, man

No Christian swears like you do. No Christian talks of his genitalia so freely. You want Alex to grab your "balls?" The Bible strongly forbids homosexual activity. I cannot believe all of you commending Mr. Sandell for damning your souls to Hell. I should have never volunteered to answer these letters. I can't continue. I feel myself becoming sick . . .

Hey! Reading other people's mail makes me feel all dirty inside, and I kinda like it. Send me to the Send me to The original letter section (updated 4/14/98!), Letter Archive or the Letter Archive II, or maybe even the Letter archive III, and I might wanna check out the Letter Archive IV. Oh, and don't forget my friend Bubba, and his responses to some letters to the "almighty" webmaster!

You got something important to say (or something completely stupid)? Send email to:

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