Commandments of Chat
Written by: Alex Sandell
01. Thou shall ask
"how old are you," "where do you live,"
"are you male or female," "do you have a
pic," "what do you do for a living," first thing,
and in that order.
02. Thou shall write "lol" after any joke, no matter how weak an attempt at humor it actually was.
03. Thou shall look for a smiley "face" more enthusiastically than thou has since elementary school.
04. Thou shall not talk about anything of importance. Thou shall be trivial, bland and inane; reverting back to an almost child-like form of idiocy.
05. Thou shall not value the feelings of another human, and shall prioritize who thoust chatteth with.
06. Thou shall not laugh over the horrible grammar, spelling and sentence-structure of Commandment number 05.
07. Thou shall insist they do not "cyber," and find it to be the most pathetic act of masturbation ever invented, while subconsciously knowing that is why they're online.
08. Once thou does "cyber," thou must convince thouself that thou isn't just performing the most pathetic act of masturbation ever invented.
09. Thou must abbreviate every expression known to mankind. *lol* *brb* *bbl* *smc*
10. Thou must realize there is a lot of lonely, desperate people chatting out there, and keep that in mind when they go batty on thou for spending time off of the 'net.
11. Thou must prepare thouself for a gigantic phone-bill, for when the chat moves to thou's phone.
12. Why am I writing all nerdy, and saying stupid words like "thou," and stuff?
13. All honor is gone. All etiquette is thrown out the cyber-window. It's "netiquette," now, and it ain't pretty.
14. Thou must realize thou can be whoever thou wants to be, not who thou actually is, and that everyone thou is chatting with probably already realized this.
15. Thou shall be aware that half the women in chat have a penis.
16. Thou shall be aware the other half have no brain.
17. Thou shall learn to despise slow-typists.
18. Thou shall not initiate a chat with a member of the same-sex, without feeling awkward, and being called a "fag."
19. If thou is a "fag," this might not be such a bad thing.
20. Thou shall get thou's sorry ass offline and go use their vocal chords for a change.
©1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you took personal offense to this article, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
You know the routine, just click it.