Christ on Capital Punishment
Written by: Alex Sandell

I can't deny I was more than a little apprehensive over doing an interview with Jesus Christ. What could I ask him, that hasn't already been asked, in the past couple-thousand years? How would I pull it off, without stepping on any toes? I mean, there are some pretty big toes to step on, when you're dealing with people of Christ's magnitude.

After a few minutes of meeting with Jesus, over a cup of herbal tea, I found myself feeling at ease. With exception to my begging him to turn his body into a loaf of bread, the interview went fairly smooth. See for yourself.

Me: I asked you here because I've been disturbed over how many of your followers have claimed to be in favor of Capital Punishment. They go as far as to use the "eye for an eye" argument, from the Old Testament, to prove that they're right . . .
Jesus: First off, those people aren't really my "followers," okay? The Old Testament is just that, old. I don't want to bring out the "blind leading the blind" argument, but that's really where this is headed. Some Me Freak decides that it's his, some jury's, and/or the state's right to put someone to death. He then drinks a little too much of my blood, and screams "an eye for an eye! Kill him! Kill him!" A lot of people, angry over losing their place in line at the grocery store, or whatever else, buy into his drunken chant, and scream along.

Me: Still, the Bible's the Bible, and it did say, even if it was in the "Old" version of it, "an eye for an eye." Are you totally discrediting the Old Testament?
Jesus: The thing is a load of crap. A waste of your time. I've been trying to explain this to people since I was old enough to talk. It's printed in the New Testament. It's actually one of the first things I mention. Way back then people were still into this, "eye for an eye" thing. I told them, and I quote, "you have heard that it was said, 'an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, do not resist injuries, but whoever strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other, as well." This is what lead to the whole "turn the other cheek" deal.

Me: So, "an eye for an eye" is wrong?
Jesus: Totally wrong. Yet, here I am, on some webpage, trying to explain the whole thing, once again. I've done this for so many years, and for so many years, people have ignored me. Thought they somehow "knew better." Yes, people do wrong. Yes, it is hard to watch. But who made it your right to decide who dies and who doesn't? You guys are like a big society of malicious Jack Kevorkians, all running around, looking for vicarious thrills, under the name of "justice." Unlike Jack, you're not even waiting for a person who wants to die, you're just forcing him or her into it. You're all so quick to think that you're "better." Why notice the splinter in your brother's eye, without taking notice of the beam in your own?

Me: Does this mean the people that judge me as some purveyor of filth, are wrong?
Jesus: Well, your page does get a tad offensive. I didn't really like the update when you claimed to be me. But, to answer your question; yes, the people who judge you, are wrong for judging you poorly. Actually, I've kept a little track-record, of all the people who have accused you of being a "bad" person, for the things that you say, and it's funny, because of those people, not one is any better than you. One of them, I won't name names, had just got done having sex with a donkey, right before writing you, to say what a "pervert" you are. I'm not saying what you do is right. I'm also not saying what you do is wrong. It's simply to say "let God be the judge."

Me: So what does God think?
Jesus: He got a kick out of the "Gilligan's Gate" thing. He's a big fan of "Gilligan's Island." I never see him as happy, as he is on the days when a Gilligan's Island cast member dies. It was funny, cuz when the guy that played the rich dude, I forget his name, first died, and was brought to Heaven, dad (God) just kept asking him question after question. "What was it like filming the show?" "Did you guys eat all those coconuts, you used as props?" "Was Gilligan retarded?" Finally, the rich dude just slapped his forehead, and said, "I must be in Hell." I guess you had to be there.

Me: Being on "Gilligan's Island" must get you a ticket into Heaven, automatically, huh?
Jesus: Oh, of course. Dad wouldn't have it any other way. He's already recreated the set, so when everyone dies, he can have them reenact every episode. Of course all of the angels are jealous. I actually get a little hurt, myself, when he declares, every so often, "Gilligan is like the son I never had." Uh, what's this supposed to mean? I die on a cross, and this guy did a friggin' sitcom!

Me: Well, you know how dads are. Getting back to the focus of this interview, I'm wondering what I can say, to convince people the death penalty is wrong? I've tried so many things, yet it seems about 99% of all humans are for it.
Jesus: Humans are stupid. Actually, I shouldn't be saying this, but you guys received the brains of dolphins, and dolphins got yours. Now you morons are destroying the earth with your greed, arrogance, and constant need for revenge. Dolphins are stuck doing nothing, because they weren't born with hands. It's kind of embarrassing. Anyway, we're just hoping you evolve to at least a "normal" level of intelligence. The brains you were supposed to have, the ones the dolphins are swimming around with, are 1,000 times that of what you are currently using. So, next time you look at a dolphin, maybe you'll think of him as more than just a "fish."

Me: If they're so smart, why do they do all those simplistic tricks for us, at the theme-parks?
Jesus: Why not? Dolphins are intelligent enough to know better than to let foolish things like "pride" make their lives miserable. They don't get jealous, and they're such peaceful creatures. We haven't really told them they were supposed to be in a human's body. It would just make them bitter. I mean, with all those nets, and everything.

Me: So all of us think as dolphins were 'sposed to, and dolphins think like us? Yet we've became this advanced civilization, all due to our hands?
Jesus: You're quick, tiger. A dolphin woulda figured that out, I don't know, when I first said it.

Me: You never answered my question.
Jesus: Yes I did.

Me: What was the answer?
Jesus: Next time somebody tells you that they support the death penalty, remind them that their brain's in a dolphin.

Me: I don't think they'd get it.
Jesus: Well, you could try the "let the sinless one among you throw the first stone" thing, but that didn't seem to work, way back when I said it. This stuff just might be a little too advanced for most humans. I'd stick with telling them they're a dolphin.

Me: That's the best you can do?
Jesus: There's the whole "scare-tactics" thing. Tell them not to pass judgment, or they will be judged. Remind them that I said the way that they judge, is the way they will be judged, and with what yardstick they measure, they will be measured. It won't work, though.

Me: Why not?
Jesus: Oh, c'mon. Look at you guys. It directly says, and I quote this straight from the Bible, "I assure you it will be difficult for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. It is easier for a camel to pass through a needle's eye, than for a wealthy person to enter the Kingdom of God." I essentially say, "you folks are gonna burn in Hell, if you collect a lot of possessions, and make a lot of cash." So, what do you do? Try to make a lot of cash, and buy lots of possessions. It's like your driving force. Put me, the girl of his dreams, and two-million dollars in front of a man, what do you think he'll pick?

Me: I see your point.
Jesus: Too bad most people don't.

Me: It did say, in regards to the "needle's eye" quote, that with men this is impossible, but with God, anything's possible.
Jesus: Yeah, but that was just referring to the cast of "Gilligan's Island."

Me: On that note, I suppose we should wrap this up. Do you have any final words?
Jesus: In regards to Capital Punishment?

Me: Yes.
Jesus: Well, a couple thousand years ago, this guy came up to me and asked how many times he should forgive his brother. He thought seven times was appropriate. I said to him, "I do not say seven, but seventy times seven." The key to Heaven is how you treat your fellow man. That includes your sworn enemy. I swear to you, my dad's biggest pet peeves are rich people, hypocrites, and people in favor of the death penalty. He doesn't like being beaten to the punch. At risk of repeating myself; it's his choice when somebody dies. The smartest man on Earth has no right to say it's time for another man to be killed. He doesn't know anymore than the biggest idiot. Maybe you guys should hire a dolphin.

On that note, Jesus had to run. He said something about being late for his interview on "20/20."

©copyright 1998, Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. No portion of this may be reproduced, without prior permission from Alex Sandell. Quotes from The Bible are ©copyright 50, God [All Rights Reserved]. No portion of these quotes may be reproduced without prior permission from the Lord.

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