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With This Ring, I Thee Bed:
Purple Penises, Pony-Tail Holders & Poetic Justice
Written by: Alex Sandell
I was too embarrassed to go to the "novelty" shop to buy a cock ring. I
was too horny to wait for one to be delivered. She was too persuasive,
sprawled out nude in front of me, to ignore.
"Use my pony-tail holder," she said. "Why can't we just fuck like
usual," I asked. She rolled her eyes. "You're killing the mood," she
told me. "Now put this on while you're still hard, or you're gonna kill
your erection, too."
I took the pony-tail holder she handed me and put that holder at the
base of my boner.
"Wrap it around a second time," she suggested. I followed her advice.
"Now a third," she giggled. "No way!" I protested, "It's already really
fucking tight!" "Tight is the point," she giggled. "Now wrap
it around a third time -- do it!"
The base of my dick was crimped and everything above it was harder than
it had ever been before. It was throbbing like a thumb hit by a hammer
in one of those Bugs Bunny cartoons. I inquired as to whether or not it
was supposed to turn dark purple. "One more mood-killing comment and
I'm rolling over and going to sleep. Now stick it in." So in went my
cock. The cock I was strangling with a pony-tail holder.
We fucked for an hour.
"I don't think I can cum with this thing tied around my prick," I
"I can't cum" is the battle cry of females across the planet, but a guy
with that problem? It just didn't seem right. Was my girlfriend going
for poetic justice? "Keep going! Keep going!" she panted.
Finally I orgasmed. Fifteen minutes after her.
That's a switch.
"Was it the best fucking orgasm you ever had?" She asked, clearly
elated. "No." I said as I desperately tried to untie this knot
of a pony-tail holder that was still keeping my cock rock-hard and a
disturbingly "Barney" shade of purple.
"It burned." She looked disappointed.
"And how the hell am I supposed to get this thing off my penis?" She
said it should be easy and went down to give it a try. "It really is purple, isn't
it?" She asked, with concern in her voice. I was beginning to panic.
"JUST GET THE THING OFF!"
I was nearly screaming.
She spit, lubed, tugged and pulled until my dick felt like it was going
to explode. Not in a good way. "I think we're going to need a razor,"
she said, after many failed attempts.
Wanna know the last thing a guy with a pony-tail holder
cutting his dick off from the rest of his body wants to hear? It would
be, "I think we're going to need a razor."
My razor supply had dried up (seriously, who keeps razors around the
house -- especially in the bedroom) and I refused to let her try
cutting it off with a scissors. My dick could go with it! Finally I
just yanked really hard and managed to get it all the way off (poor
choice of words).
Oh. My. God.
The pain was terrible. And now I have a bunch of little blood pools
just under the skin of my dick.
I am spotting!
about poetic justice.
Don't get me started on how oddly shaped my penis suddenly is.
It's like parts are all inflated and puffy and others are all narrow
My penis looks like a twisty slide.
The things we do for sex. At least she got off. And my twisty slide
pecker has been a constant source of amusement for her ever since.
Next time, I'm bringing a glue gun into the bedroom. Tight is the
Where have I heard that, recently?
If love is a battlefield, sex is Guantanamo Bay.
the asshole behind this update! If your sexual fetishes are messed up
enough, you may see your letter reprinted here!
Copyright 2010 Juicy
Cerebellum/Alex Sandell. All Rights Reserved. If you copy this, without
my permission, I'm gonna sick my girlfriend on you and she's gonna come
equipped with a pony-tail holder and a box of razors!