50 Things You're Not Supposed To Do In The "Wake" Of The Columbine Tragedy
Written by:  Alex Sandell

In a profound thought I wrote sometime last week, I questioned how long this "wake" would last.  I was referring to the "wake" (I feel like Dr. Evil with all of these "quotes") surrounding the Columbine incident that happened a few months ago.   Not too surprisingly, the paranoid and parents amongst you unjustly flipped out and criticized me for making "light" of the shootings.  To those paranoids and parents, I just want to say:  YOU TOTALLY MISSED THE POINT THIS TIME, SUGAR-DADDY!  

I wasn't making light of (add lightning and thunder here) *THEE ALMIGHTY TRAGEDY*, I was commenting on another tragedy which I see growing, like a tumor, out of the first.  One which, I feel, may turn out to be even greater than (add more lightning and thunder here.  Possibly use that POWERFUL, OVER-AMPLIFIED, "THIS IS CNN" voice one associates with God, and the like.) *THEE ALMIGHTY TRAGEDY* that spawned it.  No, I'm not talking about the quickly forgotten incident in Georgia (not enough bloodshed and pretty girls for the media to exploit, there), I'm talking about censorship.   I'm talking about prayer in schools.  I'm talking about finger pointing.   I'm talking about Witch Hunts.  I'm talking about book burning.  I'm talking about self-centered politicians using this preppy-pumping spectacle to pass into law their wicked agendas.  I'm talking about the overly-sensitized, sickeningly-desperate, "well, something MUST be done" mentality that allows people like Hitler to come into power.  And, I'm talking about a wake. 

A wake with no end in site.  One that comes with a LOT of baggage and rules.  50 "commandments" all "good" citizens are to follow, if they want to get into Heaven, or at least not be shunned from the society that bred them.  The 50 things you're not supposed to do in the "wake" of the columbine tragedy (in no particular order):

01 - Play video games
02 - Listen to music
03 - Think objectively
04 - Be a teenager
05 - Speak your mind
06 - Be anything other than Christian
07 - Laugh at the thought that posting the Ten Commandments in classrooms across the country would do anything more than make people laugh at the thought that the Ten Commandments are posted in classrooms across the country
08 - Be unattractive
09 - Wear a trenchcoat (sorry, Inspector Gadget)
10 - Watch horror movies
11 - Write horror movies
12 - Watch anything other than G-rated God crap
13 - Write anything other than G-rated God crap
14 - Say "G-rated God crap"
15 - Mention the fact that there were NO murders in Japan last year, and they watch FAR more violent cartoons and movies, but they can't carry guns. 
16 - Claim that maybe it isn't "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer" to blame, after-all
17 - Go a day without mourning the "Columbine Tragedy"
18 - Notice that the media is freaking the country out for the sake of ratings
19 - Note that Bill Clinton just bombed the hell out of thousands of people and is now telling the rest of us that we've gotten too violent
20 - Notice that all the same politicians who were getting their dicks sucked on a few months ago are now telling us that we can't listen to "naughty" lyrics
21 - Wonder why we keep focusing all our attention on censoring movies, music and games rather than fighting poverty, disease and overcrowding, which actually could be part of the problem
22 - Bring up the fact that innocent teenagers have been getting murdered by other teenagers for years, only they were black and not quite as wealthy
23 - Address the fact that we're a bunch of racist motherfuckers who care not for the kids in Columbine, but care that it is suddenly "people like us" who are getting gunned down
24 - Refuse to let news reporters and politicians do the thinking for us
25 - Mention all the violence in the Bible
26 - Wonder how all those evil deeds could be committed without the aid of guns, television or movies
27 - Read comic books
28 - Say ANYTHING good about "Natural Born Killers"
29 - Admit to WATCHING "Natural Born Killers"
30 - Admit to thinking it was funny as hell when they gunned down that biker in "Natural Born Killers"
31 - Wonder why we're commending Wal-Mart for putting a stop to selling all those "offensive" music CDs, when they're still busy getting rich off of selling handguns
32 - Exclaim to anyone within earshot, "this whole thing is just another scapegoat so we can close our eyes to all of the real tragedies that have been plaguing us for years and years."
33 - Be liberal
34 - Use your brain for something more than a soft spot to put a bullet
35 - Avoid school activities
36 - Remind people that the news they watch is far darker and more violent than the entertainment it is criticizing
37 - Scream out "hypocrite" loudly in a room full of members of the Christian Coalition
38 - Admit that it's not always the parent's fault when their kid does something stupid
39 - Comment on how, once they've taken away our Freedom of Speech, we wouldn't be allowed to complain when they take the rest of our freedoms away
40 - Name your first born, "Gun Crazy"
41 - Start your own chapter of "The Trenchoat Mafia"
42 - Convert to Satanism
43 - Be a disgruntled misfit (in the "wake" of the Columbine Tragedy, outcasts have to "take it" with a smile on their face)
44 - Vote for someone who isn't stupid
45 - Reed stuf that mite make yoo les dummer
46 - Wonder why thousands upon thousands of poor minority type folk are encouraged to join the army, as their only way out of poverty, where they'll learn how to properly kill someone . . . with a gun
47 - Start building youth centers, rather than prisons
48 - I did bring up laughing at the idea of placing the Ten Commandments in public schools as being somehow beneficial, didn't I?
49 - Reading this update
50 - Writing this update

There you have it.  All 50 of 'em (just like the states.  Clever, huh?).  I'd add some more, but I'd end up getting arrested.  This is America, you know?  Land of the free, until someone decides being imprisoned would be a better . . .

If you're reading this, and you're in a more civilized country, don't think I'm excluding you.  I'm just not taking the time to note that the disparity between the rich and the poor, in your country, is far smaller than in our Capitalistic excuse for a "dream," that your poverty levels are nearly non-existent, that you all have medical care, and you don't shoot each other up because you're not busy toting guns.  Groovy, eh?

If you're reading this, and you're in a less civilized country . . . hey, at least you can read.

Click now to read Dr. Seuss's take on Columbine!

Email Alex at alex@juicycerebellum.com

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ęCopyright 1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Guns are always bad, except when people steal your copyrighted material, and stuff.  That copyright notice wasn't funny, in the wake of the Columbine Tragedy.

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