What Are You Selling Us, Here???
(How did they ever get that cute dog to talk?)
Written by: Alex Sandell

To quote Johnny Rotten (a man who was no more than a corporate product, himself), "do you ever feel like you've been cheated?" We all know that something isn't quite right with what we're putting into our mouths, wearing on our bodies, and wiping our asses with. Yet, the television advertisements tell us "buy, buy, buy" and that's what we do.

What's ironic is, at the same time these ads tell us to buy, they're sending us another message, "our products aren't worth purchasing." Whether in print, on t.v., or as a mandatory banner at a GeoCities site; a company's product rarely sells us that product. They sell us their beverages with women in bikinis, their tampons with butterflies, and their potato chips with images of a perfect childhood.

It isn't often that Coca-cola gets us to "drink Coke" by telling us the reasons why we should be drinking Coke. They get us to drink Coke by showing a bunch of computer generated polar bears smiling at us, through the warm glow of our t.v. screens.

That's the goal of these advertisers. Have the consumer believing that he's on a magical ride back to childhood, every time he picks up a bag of Doritos. To prevent any further confusion, I'm going to reveal what it is you think that you're buying, when you're actually buying something else.

When you're buying a Taco at Taco Bell you think you're buying . . .
A talking dog.

When you're buying a hamburger at Wendy's, you think you're buying . . .
Dave Thomas.

When you're buying a pack of Marlboro's, you think you're buying . . .
A 10-gallon cowboy hat, and trip back to the good ol' days, when nobody knew anything about things like "cancer" or "emphysema."

When you're buying a can of Budweiser, you think you're buying . . .
A bunch of talking frogs and lizards.

When you're buying a roll of toilet-paper, you think you're buying . . .
Padding for your next backyard football game.

When you're buying a DVD player, you think you're buying . . .
A movie theater with a bunch of flying dolphins (and some old guy).

When you're buying a box of Pond's Clear Pore Strips, you think you're buying . . .
This ugly white thing to put on your nose.

When you're buying a bottle of Surge, you think you're buying . . .
A bunch of testosterone-filled guys that run around, and scream a lot.

When you're buying a can of Maxwell House Lite, with half the caffeine, you're buying. . .
Into a really stupid concept.

When you're buying a pair of Khaki pants, you think you're buying . . .
Dancing lessons, and a "Swing's greatest hits" CD.

When you're buying any sports car, whatsoever, you think you're buying . . .
A bunch of narrow roads winding their way around a mountain that will lead to either a speeding ticket, or a long fall, and big explosion.

When you're buying a VO5 Hot Oil Aromatherapy, you think you're buying . . .
A trip to a tropical rainforest.

When you're buying a can of Miller Light, you think you're buying . . .
A hot chick in a bikini, and a future trip to A.A..

When you buy a burger at Hardee's, you think you're buying . . .
A gigantic, drooling dog. (Boy, how appetizing.)

When you buy anything from "Genuine" Chevrolet, you think you're buying . . .
A rock.

When you're buying a bag of "Wow!" potato chips, you think you're buying . . .
A ticket back to childhood (and lots of diarrhea).

When you buy an extra-value meal at McDonald's, you're actually buying . . .
Yet another advertisement for Disney.

Of course there's thousands more, but you get the idea. I 'spose I'll end this article the way a corporation would, by saying that you are about to sprout a pair of wings and fly into whole new worlds.

©1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved] You are a bit nervous as you walk into a large room. People surround you, everywhere. People that really listen, and will remember your every word. Men wear black-dresses, and carry giant hammers, that they pound on a rock with. (Hint. Hint.)

Back to an entire year of computer generated talking midgets, and maybe some writing, and stuff.

Back to a map. A beautiful map of the mind.