Ten Really Crappy Glam Bands the World Could Have Done Without
By: Alex Sandell


Poison: Can you imagine,
at one point this was considered "hip?"

Poison: Poison had a huge hit with the song "Talk Dirty to Me." It was about sex. They liked to jump around a lot, with confetti flying everywhere. Poison showed they had a soft side with the blockbuster power ballad "I Won't Forget You." In the early part of their career, they wore lots of makeup and had poofy hair. Later, they removed the makeup to gain credibility. They were really crappy.

Cinderella: Cinderella had a huge hit with the song "Shake Me." It was about sex. They liked to jump around a lot, but I don't know if they had a confetti fetish. Cinderella showed they had a soft side with the blockbuster power ballad "Nobody's Fool." In the early part of their career, they wore lots of makeup and had poofy hair. Later, they removed the makeup to gain credibility. They were really crappy.

Def Leppard: Def Leppard had a huge hit with the song "Pour Some Sugar on Me." It was about sex. They liked to jump around a lot, with lasers flying everywhere. Def Leppard showed they had a soft side with the blockbuster power ballad "Love Bites." They didn't wear much makeup, but the drummer only had one arm. Oddly, he didn't sew on another one to gain credibility. They were really crappy.

Ratt: Ratt had a huge hit with the song "Round and Round." I'm guessing it was about sex. They liked to jump around a lot, with lots of colorful rags and stuff tied onto their tight, ripped clothing. Strangely, Ratt never had a power ballad. This may of had something to do with the fact that the lead-singer couldn't sing. In the early part of their career, they wore lots of makeup and had poofy hair. Later, they removed the makeup to gain credibility. They were really crappy. Plus, the singer couldn't sing.


Any crappy band worth its weight in
cheese had its own special band logo

Dokken: Dokken had a huge hit with the song "In My Dreams." It wasn't about sex, but it was still lame. I don't think Dokken jumped around a lot, but they did do a video, with Freddy Krueger. Dokken showed they had a soft side with the blockbuster power ballad "Alone Again Without You," which, if you think about it, is quite the redundant title. In the early part of their career, they wore lots of makeup and had poofy hair. Later, they removed the makeup to gain credibility. They were really crappy.


It's the stars on the pants that add that special-something

Warrant: Warrant had a huge hit with the song "Down Boys." I can't remember what it was about, I'm sure it was stupid. Warrant jumped around a lot, with cherry pies, fire-hoses, and, of course, confetti. Warrant showed they had a soft side with the blockbuster power ballad "Heaven." In the early part of their career, they wore lots of makeup and had poofy hair. Later, they removed the makeup to gain credibility. They were really crappy.

Bon Jovi: Bon Jovi had a huge hit with the song "You Give Love a Bad Name." It was about a mean lady that Bon Jovi didn't like. The band jumped around a lot, with balloons and crap. Bon Jovi showed they had a soft side with the blockbuster power ballad "Wanted Dead or Alive." The song containing the infamous line "it's all the same," which couldn't describe this watered down pop-metal bullshit any more accurately. In the early part of their career, they wore lots of funny clothing and had poofy hair. Later, they dressed up like cowboys, to gain credibility. They were really crappy.

Slaughter: Slaughter had a huge hit with the song "Up All Night." It was about sex. Slaughter probably jumped around a lot, but they just sucked too much for me to notice. Slaughter showed they had a soft side with the blockbuster power ballad "Fly To the Angels." In the early part of their career, they wore lots of makeup and had poofy hair. For all I know, they still do. They were really crappy.

Van Halen: Why won't they break up, already? Why???


Uh, yeah, whatever.

Kiss: Kiss didn't actually start this whole glam-metal trend, but they sure like to think that they did. They had a huge hit with the song "Rock and Roll All Night," and they've pretty much built their career around it. It was about sex. Kiss really, really liked to jump around with a bunch of confetti flying all over the place. The band showed they had a soft side with the blockbuster power ballad "Beth." What could be more romantic than some old guy dressed up like a clown serenading you? In the early part of their career, they wore lots of makeup and had poofy hair. Later, they removed the makeup to gain credibility. Then, even later still, they put the makeup back on, to gain back their fame. They were really crappy.

Please, please, get me out of here! This is torture!

This stuff is so terrible, it's not even worth copyrighting. Print it out and use it as toilet paper, or something.


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