The Secret Debate:
Ralph Nader, John Kerry and George Bush
Transcribed, assembled and cleverly manipulated by Alex Sandell

Any of y'all in the know watched last night's debate (10/08/04), but most of you didn't know that there was a ten minute DELAY, which eliminated the most controversial moments and completely removed Ralph Nader.  The Juicy Cerebellum's crack team has viewed the entire debate, as it was originally aired and have transcribed it for your viewing pleasure.  Enjoy!

GIBSON: Good evening from the Field House at Washington University in St. Louis. I'm Charles Gibson of the hard-hitting ABC News' show, "Good Morning America."

I welcome you to the second of the 2004 presidential debates between President George W. Bush, the Republican nominee, Senator John Kerry, the Democratic nominee and Ralph Nader, the Spoiler nominee.

We're in the Show-Me State, as everyone knows Missouri to be.  Ralph Nader is locked in a toilet somewhere in Cleveland, in accordance to the rules set by the two major candidates.  Let's begin ...

QUESTIONER: Senator Kerry, after talking with several co-workers and family and friends, I asked the ones who said they were not voting for you, "Why?" They said that you were too wishy-washy. Do you have a reply for them?

KERRY: Yes, I certainly do. But I want to thank Charlie for moderating. I want to thank Washington University for hosting us here this evening. I want to thank George Lucas for the excellent DVD box set of the original Star Wars' trilogy and the "tan-in-a-can" company for my youthful looks.  Mr. President, it's good to be with you again this evening, sir. Ralph Nader, I'm glad you're not here.  The president didn't find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, so he's really turned his campaign into a weapon of mass deception. The result is that you've been bombarded with advertisements suggesting that I've changed a position on this or that or the other. They're even claiming that I'm a tall guy, "like Tommy Lee," but with a dinky little penis.  I'm here to tell you that my penis is huge.  A firm 10 inches. 

These are the differences. Now, the president has presided over an economy where we've lost 1.6 million jobs. The first president in 72 years to lose jobs. I have a plan to put people back to work. That's not wishy- washy. I'm going to close the loopholes that encourage companies to go overseas. The president wants to keep them open. I think I'm right. I think he's wrong.  And I think it was wrong for Greedo to shoot first.  And I do have a gigantic cock. 

BUSH: Thank you, and thank our panelists.  And, Senator, thank you for your comments and for arousing me. I can -- and thanks, Washington U. as well. I'd also like to thank John Wayne.  I can see why people think he changes positions a lot, because he does. John Wayne always kept the same positions and he looked cool in a ten-gallon cowboy hat.  You don't look cool in a cowboy hat, Senator Kerry ... no matter how oversized your throbbing penis is.  You said you voted for the $87 billion, and voted against it right before he voted for it. Er ... you said something like that.  That sends a confusing signal to people with an IQ as low as mine.

NADER:  I want to thank the panelists and the corporate media for hosting this event.  I'd like to thank the drycleaner who has kept my suit looking as good as it did when I bought it in the 1960s.  I'd like to thank my opponents and, more than anything, I'd like to thank my supporter.  See why I go after the Democrats as well as Republicans? They face falsehoods and they keep repeating them again and again and again.  John Kerry doesn't have a ten-inch penis and George W. Bush, I knew John Wayne, and you sir, are no John Wayne.  George W. Bush and John Kerry have been members of the Yale secret society – Skull and Bones – since I bought my suit. Hundreds of Bonesmen are in powerful positions at the top echelons of government and business. Skull and Bones alumni have a common drive to get their members into “positions of power” and to have those members hire other members into similar positions of power.  The two parties now are not competing.  Thirty years ago, if one party was bad, you could say, "Well, we work with the Democratic party." Now it's two parties, one corporate head, different makeup.  Speaking of makeup, I was wondering if Senator Kerry's tan-in-a-can is cream or an aerosol spray?  If he's using the spray, it is no secret he's contributing to the hole in the ozone and causing global warming.  The Nader-Camejo ticket is firmly against tan-in-a-can. 

QUESTIONER: Mr. President, yesterday in a statement you admitted that Iraq did not have weapons of mass destruction, but justified the invasion by stating, I quote, "He retained the knowledge, the materials, the means and the intent to produce weapons of mass destruction and could have passed this knowledge to our terrorist enemies." Do you sincerely believe this to be a reasonable justification for invasion when this statement applies to so many other countries, including North Korea?

BUSH: Each situation is different, and without Karl Rove, I'm not really sure why.  Uh ... obviously we hope that diplomacy works before you ever use force. The hardest decision a president makes is ever to use force. After 9/11, we had to look at the world differently. After 9/11, we had to actually read FBI reports about impending terrorist threats, rather than play golf.  In the old days we'd see a threat, and laugh at it over some barbecue out on the ranch. But 9/11 changed it all.

I wasn't happy when we found out Saddam didn't have weapons, because it made me look bad ... looking bad is a hard job.  It's really hard.  We've got an intelligence group together to figure out why we fucked up. But Saddam Hussein was a unique threat. And the world is better off without him in power, with his spitballs and thumbtacks. And my opponent's plans lead me to conclude that Saddam Hussein would still be in power, and more people would need tetanus shots, due to weapons of tack destruction.  

KERRY:  The world is more dangerous today. The world is more dangerous today because the president didn't make the right judgments. Now, the president wishes that I had changed my mind. He wants you to believe that because he can't come here and tell you that he's created new jobs for America. He's lost jobs. He can't come here and tell you that he's created health care for Americans because, what, we've got 5 million Americans who have lost their health care, 96,000 of them right here in Missouri.  And with all those tack-related injuries, we need insurance now, more than ever. 

Let me tell you straight up: I actually flopped before I flipped.  I've never changed my mind about Iraq. I do believe Saddam Hussein was a threat. I always believed he was a threat. Believed it in 1998 when Clinton was president. I wanted to give Clinton the power to use force if necessary and to do so wearing a batsuit, with rubber nipples.  But I would have used that force wisely, like Luke, when he blew up the first Death Star.  I would have brought our allies to our side. I would have fought to make certain our troops had lightsabers to help them win the mission. This president rushed to war, pushed our allies aside. And Iran now is more dangerous, and so is North Korea, with nuclear weapons. He took his eye off the ball, off of Osama bin Laden.

NADER:  The Nader-Camejo ticket is the only avowedly and determined anti-tack candidacy. We want to have a responsible six-month withdrawal of the U.S. military and corporate occupation, internationally supervised election, so that the Iraqi people don't feel that they're facing a permanent military occupation and the control of their oil resources and of public government. If they feel that, the majority of the Iraqis are going to support the insurgency. They're not going to distance themselves from the insurgency. John Kerry voted for the war, as Howard Dean reminded us many times during the primary days. George W. Bush launched our country into a war in Iraq based on a platform of fabrication, deception, and lies, and did it in an unconstitutional manner.

BUSH: You're a girlie-man, Nader.  There's a saying in Texas, maybe it's in Missouri, too, if you can't handle the stink, get out of the bathroom ... won't be fooled again!

KERRY: It's "if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen," you moron.

BUSH:  Is that true, Charlie?

GIBSON:  Yes, Mr. President.

BUSH:  A Dictatorship would be a lot easier, if I was the dictator.  Heh heh heh hee.

KERRY:  The goal of the sanctions was not to remove Saddam Hussein, it was to remove the weapons of mass destruction. And, Mr. President, just yesterday the Duelfer report told you and the whole world they worked. He didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Mr. President. That was the objective. And if we'd used smart diplomacy, we could have saved $200 billion and an invasion of Iraq. And right now, Osama bin Laden might be in jail or dead. That's the war against terror.  And yes, Ralph is a girlie-man.

NADER:  Hey!

QUESTIONER: Candidate Nader, the U.S. is preparing a new Iraq government and will proceed to withdraw U.S. troops. Would you proceed with the same plans as President Bush?

NADER:  We should have had airbags in cars in Iraq 18 years ago.  Just think of all the Iraqis who'd be alive today, or all the people who would not be in wheelchairs, all the anguish prevented, not to mention the economic costs. By 2010, airbags should be as expected as apple pie in Iraq.  There is apple pie in Iraq, isn't there?  I would withdraw troops, but only if their withdrawal vehicles came equipped with front and side airbags.   

KERRY:  I would not. I have laid out a different plan, because the president's plan is working about as well as Jennifer Lopez's love life. You see that every night on television. You see Iraq on television at least half as much.  There's chaos in Iraq. King Abdullah of Jordan said just yesterday or the day before you can't hold elections in Iraq with the chaos that's going on today. Sen. Richard Lugar, the Republican chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee, said that the handling of the reconstruction aid in Iraq by this administration has been incompetent.  Are there any other names I can drop here?  Oh yes, there is Sen. Hagel of Nebraska.  He said that the handling of Iraq is beyond pitiful, beyond embarrassing; it's in the zone of dangerous. Now, I have to tell you, I would do something different. I would reach out to our allies and give them fake tans.

BUSH: What are airbags?

GIBSON: Do you want to follow up, Senator?

KERRY: Yes, sir, please.  Ladies and gentlemen, airbags are protective devices that discharge during a car accident, in an attempt to save a driver or passenger's life.   

BUSH: What are weapons of mass destruction?

NADER:  I've always considered them to be cars without airbags.

QUESTIONER:  Mr. President, my mother and sister traveled abroad this summer, and when they got back they talked to us about how shocked they were at the intensity of aggravation that other countries had with how we handled the Iraq situation.  Diplomacy is obviously something that we really have to really work on.  What is your plan to repair relations with other countries given the current situation?

BUSH: No, I appreciate that. I -- listen, I -- we've got a great country. I love our values. Other countries suck.  I recognize I've made some decisions that have caused people to not understand the great values of our country, and the acting talent of John Wayne.  I recognize that taking Saddam Hussein out was unpopular, but Dick Cheney told me it was the right thing to do. And so, what I'm telling you is, is that sometimes in this world you make unpopular decisions because you're a gigantic asshole, and other times you make them because you're really stupid.  Smart people hate America. Sometimes they don't like the dumb decisions made by a fake cowboy running America, but I don't think you want a president who tries to become popular with people with faggoty accents.

KERRY:  The president stood right here in this hall four years ago, and he was asked a question by somebody just like you, "Under what circumstances would you send people to war?" And his answer was, "With a viable exit strategy and only with enough forces to get the job done."  He didn't do that. He broke that promise. We didn't have enough forces.  Gen. Shinseki, the Army chief of staff, told him he was going to need several hundred thousand. And guess what? They retired Gen. Shinseki for telling him that.  Then I looked up his name so I could drop it in this debate.  The president arbitrarily brought a hammer down and said, "Nope. Sorry, time for diplomacy is over. We're going."  He rushed to war without a plan to win the peace.  Ladies and gentleman, he gave you a speech and told you he'd plan carefully, take every precaution, take our allies with us. He didn't. He broke his word.

NADER: Like people without side-airbags broke their ribs.

BUSH: I remember sitting in that school for seven minutes, doing nothing, after being told the country was under attack.  I was too involved with The Pet Goat to act "Presidential."  I'm not much of a reader.  This was the first book I read, from front to back.  It's a tough job, reading, it's hard ... it's hard.  That's what a president does. A president reads children's books and relies upon good military people to execute a strategy.

GIBSON: Senator?

KERRY: The military's job is to win the war.  A President's job is to get a gold star from an Elementary school teacher and then win the peace.  I received a gold star and then a few purple hearts, a yellow moon and a green clover.  The president did not do what was necessary. Didn't bring in enough nations. Didn't deliver the help. Didn't close off the borders. Didn't read Harry Potter.  Didn't even guard the ammo dumps. And now our kids are being killed with ammos right out of that dump, before having a chance to read Harry Potter.

GIBSON:  Nader?

NADER:  Airbags.

QUESTIONER: Iran sponsors terrorism and has missiles capable of hitting Israel and southern Europe. Iran will have nuclear weapons in two to three years time.  In the event that U.N. sanctions don't stop this threat, what will you do as president?

KERRY: I will hid in a bunker.  I've heard President's have pretty secure bunkers.  Like that bunker you saw at the end of Terminator 3.  That was a rad bunker!  We were safer before President Bush came to office. Now they have the bombs and we're less safe.  That's why we have to have bunkers like they did in Terminator 3.  The president is moving to the creation of our own bunker- busting nuclear weapon. It's very hard to get other countries to give up their weapons when you're busy developing a new one to bust their bunkers like a ghostbuster busts a ghost.  I'm going to lead the world in the greatest counterproliferation effort. And if we have to get tough with Iran, believe me, we will get tough -- from inside a bunker.

BUSH: That answer almost made me want to hide inside a bunker and scowl.  He keeps talking about Terminator 3.  I liked the first two better, because Cameron's a better director.  It's naive and dangerous to talk about Terminator 3 as though it's as good as the first two.  If you prefer Terminator 3, the terrorists have already won.  I don't know what "counterproliferation" means, so I'll take a pass on that one.  Yee-ha! 

NADER:  I preferred the second Terminator.  The Terminator was under a directive not to kill, much like automobile companies would be if they were under the directive to mandatorily include side-airbags.

QUESTIONER: Mr. President, since we continue to police the world, how do you intend to maintain our military presence without reinstituting a draft?

BUSH: I'm gonna draft all you mother-fuckers!  Each and every one of ya!  If you're under 30, you better shave your head and find a helmet that fits, because you're gonna need one -- and we don't have the money to supply 'em!  I gave it all to the richest 1%!  And remember, if you dodge the draft, it ain't like when I deserted, because I was rich and my daddy was head of the CIA.  Anyone dodging the draft will be automatically executed, by an electric chair, outside, during the hottest days of a Texas summer, on pay-per-view.  Yee-ha!

KERRY: I don't support a draft.  But let me tell you where the president's policies have put us, while I drop a few more names.  The president -- and this is one of the reasons why I am very proud in this race to have the support of Gen. John Shalikashvili, former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff; Adm. William Crowe, former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff; Gen. Tony McPeak, who ran the air war for the president's father and did a brilliant job, supporting me; Gen. Wes Clark, who won the war in Kosovo, supporting me; Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who saved the world from an apocalypse supporting me; because they all -- and Gen. Baca, who was the head of the National Guard, supporting me. Why? Because they understand that our military is overextended under the president.  And a lot of our military are underpaid. These are families that get hurt. It hurts the middle class.

NADER:  Will those electric chairs come with side-airbags?

BUSH: Let me just -- I've got to answer this.  Yes, all electric chairs will have front and side-airbags. 

KERRY: I could do a better job. My plan does a better job. I could provide safer airbags for the executed.  And that's why I'll be a better commander in chief.

QUESTIONER: Ralph Nader, we have been fortunate that there have been no further terrorist attacks on American soil since 9/11. Do you think this is due to side-airbags?

NADER:  Thank you for that question.  The side-airbags I have installed in various skyscrapers across the United States have had a mighty impact on potential terrorist attacks.  When the plane hits a building, the airbag opens and the plane bounces off the building without doing any damage to the building or the plane, thanks to my demanding that all planes are now made of rubber.  But I also think a lot of this has to do with the influence of corporations on Democrat and Republican candidates.  When you look at most of their positions that they win in the majority of the polls, I think they're majoritarian issues: environment, consumers, labor, justice, political reform.  The country's not turning to the right; the power structure is twisting the formal political structure into a corporatist battle.  When are you going to stand up and defend our civil justice system from the vicious, corporatist, insurance industry battering by their mouth pieces, George W. Bush, Bill Frist et al., day after day? Hundreds of thousands of innocent Americans are injured, made sick or lose their lives by corporate recklessness, deception and cover-up every year. Why can't John Edwards and John Kerry stand up for these defenseless people against the wrongdoers, their lobbies and their insurance industry profiteers?

KERRY: I've asked in my security briefings why that is, and I can't go into all the answers, et cetera, but let me say this to you. This president and his administration have told you and all of us it's not a question of when, it's a question of -- excuse me -- not a question of if, it's a question of when.  We've been told that. The when I can't tell you. Between the World Trade Center bombing in, what was it, 1993 or so, and the next time was five years, seven years. Let me ramble on silently in my head, while Ralph Nader actually makes sense.

NADER:  The truth must be told. The lies must be exposed. The doors to our courts must be kept open if we are to protect ourselves against terrorists and protect innocent people from being accused of terrorizing. Our judges and juries must not have their hands tied. People should have their full day in court. This is the American way, since our forebearers fought King George III in 1776, and our founders gave us our constitutional right to trial by jury. Speak and speak expansively about this pillar of our democracy.

BUSH:  Lawyers are evil!  Really!  They got me elected!  Er, wait, uh, KARL!

QUESTIONER: Mr. President, why did you block the reimportation of safer and inexpensive drugs from Canada which would have cut 40 to 60 percent off of the cost?

BUSH: I'm in the big drug companies' pockets?  Oh, that didn't sound good.  Let me rephrase:  I haven't yet. Just want to make sure they're safe. When a drug comes in from Canada, I want to make sure it cures you and doesn't kill you.  Please ignore the fact that they're the same drugs that are made in America and shipped to Canada and then reimported to America.  If I can just keep seniors paranoid enough, I can keep allowing the drug companies that helped me steal the election to rob the elderly and disabled blind.

KERRY: You heard the president just say that he thought he might try to be for it.  Four years ago, right here in this forum, he was asked the same question: Can't people be able to import drugs from Canada? You know what he said? "I think that makes sense. I think that's a good idea" -- four years ago.  Now, the president said, "I'm not blocking that." Ladies and gentlemen, the president just didn't level with you right now again. He did block it, because we passed it in the United States Senate. We sent it over to the House, that you could import drugs. We took care of the safety issues.  President George W. Bush is the flippiest and the floppiest of all the flip-floppers.

NADER:  I've never flip-flopped, but liberals are too scared to vote for me!

KERRY:  But you waffled!

NADER:  That term is so last election!

KERRY:  Whatever, we're not talking about third-world drugs. We're talking about drugs made right here in the United States of America that have American brand names on them and American bottles. And we're asking to be able to allow you to get them. And he could have lowered the cost of Medicare and lowered your taxes and lowered the costs to seniors.  That's the difference between us. The president sides with the power companies, the oil companies, the drug companies. And I'm fighting to let you get those drugs from Canada, and I'm fighting to let Medicare survive.  I'm fighting for the middle class. That is the difference.

NADER:  What a coupla knuckleheads!  The state of health care in the United States is a disgrace. For millions of Americans it is a struggle between life, health and money.  The United States spends far more on health care than any other country in the world, but ranks only 37th in the overall quality of health care it provides.  If you have insurance, you may not be able to afford the care you need, and some treatments won't be covered at all.  The Nader Campaign favors replacing our fragmented, market-based system with a single-payer health plan - where the government finances health care, but keeps the delivery of health care to private non-profits, and allows free choice of doctors and hospitals for patients.  It seems as though the choice between Kerry and Bush is the choice between the lesser of two pussies.  Give us health care, both of you! 

QUESTIONER: Sen. Kerry, you've stated your concern for the rising cost of health care, yet you chose a vice presidential candidate who has made millions of dollars successfully suing medical professionals. How do you reconcile this with the voters?

KERRY: Very easily. I'm drunk.  24 hours a day, I'm liquored up.  I'm so wasted, I'm proud to admit that John Edwards and I support tort reform.

NADER:  You walking vagina, John.  Tort reform is the worst idea in the history of bad ideas.  You're pandering like Eminem is pandering to clubs, with his stupid new dance single.  Then again, you're ten times better than this guy ...

BUSH: Let me see where to start here.  Karl, where do I start?  First, the National Journal named Sen. Kennedy the most liberal senator of all. And that's saying something in that bunch. You might say that took a lot of hard work.  It's hard work being a Liberal Senator.  Hard work.  Caring for people isn't easy.  Government-sponsored health care would lead to rationing. It would ruin the quality of health care in America.  It really wouldn't, but I'm super-rich, so why should I care?  Heh-heh-he-heh! 

KERRY: The president is just trying to scare everybody here with throwing labels around. I mean, "compassionate conservative," what does that mean? Cutting 500,000 kids from after-school programs, cutting 365,000 kids from health care, running up the biggest deficits in American historyMr. President, you're batting 0 for 2.  Labels don't mean dick. What means something is: Do you have a plan?

BUSH:  Of course I don't!  You should know that!

NADER:  I know that, but I don't matter, being a third-party candidate, and everything.

BUSH:  I'm a non-stop liar.

QUESTIONER: Mr. President, you have enjoyed a Republican majority in the House and Senate for most of your presidency. In that time, you've not vetoed a single spending bill. Excluding $120 billion spent in Iran and -- I'm sorry, Iraq and Afghanistan, there has been $700 billion spent and not paid for by taxes.  Please explain how the spending you have approved and not paid for is better for the American people than the spending proposed by your opponent.

BUSH: Right, thank you for that loaded question, you prick.  We have a deficit, which was started because I'm mentally challenged. Secondly, we're at war, thanks to me. I'm going to spend what it takes to win the war, I think.  More than just $120 billion for Iraq and Afghanistan. And plus, we cut taxes for everybody. Everybody got tax relief, so that they get out of the recession.  It didn't work, we knew it wouldn't work, but we cut like a gassy man with a sharp knife and cheese.  I come from the school of thought that says when you think you're wasting brain cells.  Anyone got any coke?

KERRY: Let me begin by saying that I don't have any coke.  My health-care plan is not what the president described. It is not a government takeover.  You have choice. Choose your doctor, choose your plan, choose Wookies over Ewoks. The government has nothing to do with it.  If you don't want to take it, you don't have to. If you like your high premiums, you keep them. With respect to the deficit, the president was handed a $5.6 trillion surplus, ladies and gentlemen. That's where he was when he came into office.  We now have a $2.6 trillion deficit. This is the biggest turnaround in the history of the country. This is the first time the United States of America has ever had a tax cut when we're at war.  One percent of America, the highest 1 percent of income earners in America, got $89 billion of tax cut last year. One percent of America got more than the 80 percent of America that earned from $100,000 down.  The president thinks it's more important to fight for that top 1 percent than to fight for fiscal responsibility and to fight for you. 

NADER:  Corporate tax contributions as a percent of the overall federal revenue stream have been declining for fifty years and now stand at 7.4% despite massive record profits. Tiny taxes (a fraction of the conventional retail sales percentage) on stock, bond, and derivative transactions can produce tens of billions of dollars a year and displace some of the taxes on work and consumer essentials. Sol Price, founder of the Price Clubs (now merged into Costco) is one of several wealthy people in the last century who have urged a tax on wealth. Again, it can be at a very low rate but raise significant revenues. Wealth above a quite comfortable minimum is described as tangible and intangible assets.

BUSH:  Did you get that John?

KERRY:  Nope, went over my head, too.

QUESTIONER: Mr. President, how would you rate yourself as an environmentalist? What specifically has your administration done to improve the condition of our nation's air and water supply?

BUSH: Laura's titties make me horny.

QUESTIONER:  But what about the environment?

BUSH:  They get all erect, like -- then I suck 'em. 

GIBSON:  Is that your answer, Mr. President?

BUSH:  I have no plan for the environment.  It will take care of itself, like Laura's erect nipples, or my daughters' problem with alcohol. 

GIBSON:  Mr. Nader?

NADER:  The epidemic of silent environmental violence continues. Whether it is the 65,000 Americans who die every year from air pollution, or the 80,000 estimated annual fatalities from hospital malpractice, or the 100,000 Americans whose demise comes from occupational toxic exposures or the cruel environmental racism where the poor and their often asthmatic children live in pollution sinks located near toxic hot spots that are never situated in shrubbered suburbs, to cite a few preventable conditions. Now, as the evidence of global warming mounts it is evident that we threaten the global environment with tremendous economic threats facing humanity including bankrupting the reinsurance industry, the spread of infectious tropical diseases, massive ecological disruption and increased severe and unpredictable weather, all of which will significantly impact commerce, agriculture and communities across America. Toxic standards need to be strengthened. Currently toxic standards are designed for adults not for more vulnerable children, this should be reversed. We need to make environmental protection a priority for our energy, trade, industrial, agricultural, transportation, development and land use policies, indeed protecting the environment must be weaved throughout our governance.

GIBSON:  Senator Kerry?

KERRY:  Can I talk about my wife's nipples, too?

GIBSON:  Sure.

KERRY:  They have long strands of hair growing out of them.  Sometimes I swallow a couple, when I suck them too hard. 

QUESTIONER: Sen. Kerry, how can the U.S. be competitive in manufacturing given -- in manufacturing, excuse me -- given the wage necessary and comfortably accepted for American workers to maintain the standard of living that they expect?

KERRY: Americans are greedy bastards. 

NADER:  I don't have a wife, but if I did, I'd refer to her titties as airbags.  NAFTA and the WTO makes commercial trade supreme over environmental, labor, and consumer standards and need to be replaced with open agreements that pull-up rather than pull down these standards. These forms of secret autocratic governance and their detailed rules are corporate-managed trade that puts short-term corporate profits as the priority. While global trade is a fact of life, trade policies must be open, democratic and not strip-mine environmental, social and labor standards. These latter standards should have their own international pull up treaties.

BUSH: Sometimes Laura's boobies squirt out a bit of milk.  It's sweet and foamy and gets me hard as a rock, as long as I'm not dead drunk and choking on pretzels.

QUESTIONER: President Bush, 45 days after 9/11, Congress passed the Patriot Act, which takes away checks on law enforcement and weakens American citizens' rights and freedoms, especially Fourth Amendment rights.  With expansions to the Patriot Act and Patriot Act II, my question to you is, why are my rights being watered down and my citizens' around me? And what are the specific justifications for these reforms?

BUSH: I appreciate that.  People who don't like their rights being taken away hate freedom.  The Patriot Act is necessary, for example, because people like Michael Moore make mean movies about me. 

KERRY: I think I'll namedrop, again.  Former Gov. Racicot, as chairman of the Republican Party, said he thought that the Patriot Act has to be changed and fixed.  Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner, he is the chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, said over his dead body before it gets renewed without being thoroughly rechecked.  People's rights have been abused  I met a man who spent eight months in prison, wasn't even allowed to call his lawyer, wasn't allowed to get -- finally, Sen. Dick Durbin of Illinois intervened and was able to get him out.  This is in our country, folks, the United States of America.  They've got sneak-and-peek searches that are allowed. They've got people allowed to go into churches now and political meetings without any showing of potential criminal activity or otherwise.   Now, I voted for the Patriot Act. Ninety-nine United States senators voted for it. And the president's been very busy running around the country using what I just described to you as a reason to say I'm wishy-washy, that I'm a flip-flopper.  Now that's not a flip-flop. I believe in the Patriot Act.  I also believe that if I click my heels three times and say, "there's no place like home," I'll end up in Boston, married to a rich heiress.    

NADER:  I support the restoration of civil liberties, repeal of the Patriot Act, and an end to secret detentions, arrests without charges, no access to attorneys and the use of secret “evidence,” military tribunals for civilians, non-combatant status and the shredding of “probable cause” determinations. They represent a perilous diminishment of judicial authority in favor of concentrated power in the executive branch. Sloppy law enforcement, dragnet practices are wasteful and reduce the likelihood of apprehending violent criminals.

KERRY:  What, are you some kind of antiquated American?

BUSH:  I agree, Nader is a pre-9/11 "old-fashioned" American and should be sent to a salt mine in Peru!

QUESTIONER: Candidate Nader, thousands of cancer patients have found some relief in marijuana.  Would you, as President, support Medical Marijuana?

NADER:  The criminal prosecution of patients for medical marijuana must end immediately, and marijuana must be treated as a medicine for the seriously ill. The current cruel, unjust policy perpetuated and enforced by the Bush Administration prevents Americans who suffer from debilitating illnesses from experiencing the relief of medicinal cannabis.  While substantial scientific and anecdotal evidence exists to validate marijuana's usefulness in treating disease, a deluge of rhetoric from Washington claims that marijuana has no medicinal value.   Research has shown marijuana to be a safe and effective medicine for controlling nausea associated with cancer therapy, reducing the eye pressure for patients with glaucoma, and reducing muscle spasms caused by multiple sclerosis, para- and quadriplegia.  Whenever given the chance, the American public has voted to allow seriously ill people to relieve their pain with marijuana. Despite well-funded opposition from the federal government, citizens in nine states have cast ballots to legalize the use of medicinal marijuana. No state has ever rejected such a voter initiative.  Physicians must have the right to prescribe this drug to their patients without the fear of the federal government revoking their licenses, and doctor-patient privacy must be protected. The Drug Enforcement Administration should not be practicing medicine.

KERRY: Further study needs to be done before I would approve the use of cannabis.  Uh ... um ... I'M REALLY SCARED, HERE!  C'mon George, back me up!

BUSH:  For once, John Kerry is right.  Marijuana is an evil drug for people to smoke at Woodstock.  If those whining cancer patients are feeling crappy, they should swallow some Prozac.  The major drug companies told me so.  So did God. 

QUESTIONER:  Sen. Kerry, thousands of people have already been cured or treated by the use of adult stem cells or umbilical cord stem cells. However, no one has been cured by using embryonic stem cells. Wouldn't it be wise to use stem cells obtained without the destruction of an embryo?  Stem cells, your opinions? 

KERRY:  Like Nancy Reagan, and so many other people with brains -- you know, I was at a forum with Michael J. Fox the other day in New Hampshire, who's suffering from Parkinson's, and he wants us to do stem cell, embryonic stem cell.  And this fellow stood up, and he was quivering. His whole body was shaking from the nerve disease, the muscular disease that he had.  And he said to me and to the whole hall, he said, "You know, don't take away my hope, because my hope is what keeps me going." Chris Reeve is a friend of mine.  Chris Reeve exercises every single day to keep those muscles alive for the day when he believes he can walk again, and I want him to walk again. I think we can save lives. Now, I think we can do ethically guided embryonic stem-cell research. We have 100,000 to 200,000 embryos that are frozen in nitrogen today from fertility clinics. These weren't taken from abortion or something like that. They're from a fertility clinic.  And they're either going to be destroyed or left frozen. And I believe if we have the option, which scientists tell us we do, of curing Parkinson's, curing diabetes, curing, you know, some kind of paraplegic or quadriplegic spinal cord injury, that's the nature of the human spirit.  It is respecting life to reach for that cure. The president has chosen a policy that makes it impossible for our scientists to do that. Not because this drunk-driving dildo gives a shit, but because he knows his Christian base will vote for him due to his obstinate God-fearing naivety.

BUSH: God rules! 

KERRY: Well, you talk about walking a waffle line -- he says he's allowed it, which means he's going to allow the destruction of life up to a certain amount and then he isn't going to allow it.  I don't know how you draw that line.  Knowing George, with a crayon, on the back of a children's menu at Burger King.  Let me tell you, point blank, the lines of stem cells that he's made available, every scientist in the country will say, "Not adequate," because they're contaminated by mouse cells, and because there aren't 60 or 70 -- they're are only about 11 to 20 now -- and there aren't enough to be able to do the research because they're contaminated.  We've got to open up the possibilities of this research. And when I am president, I'm going to do it because we have to, if we care about human life.

NADER:  I wish I wasn't asexual, because then I could brag about my girlfriend having hair on her airbags.

QUESTIONER: President Bush, during the last four years, you have made thousands of decisions that have affected millions of lives. Please give three instances in which you came to realize you had made a wrong decision, and what you did to correct it. Thank you.

BUSH: I have made a lot of decisions, and some of them little, like appointments to boards you never heard of, and some of them big.  And in a war, there's a lot of -- there's a lot of tactical decisions that historians will look back and say: He shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have made that decision. And I'll take responsibility for them. I'm human.  But I'm a ROBO-HUMAN, and no matter how many mistakes I make, my robo-powers fix them. 

KERRY: I believe the president made a huge mistake, a catastrophic mistake, not to live up to his own standard, which was: build a true global coalition, give the inspectors time to finish their job and go through the U.N. process to its end and go to war as a last resort.  I ask each of you just to look into your hearts, look into your guts. Gut-check time. Was this really going to war as a last resort?  The president rushed our nation to war without a plan to win the peace. And simple things weren't done.

BUSH:  I can also sprout metallic wings and fly.

NADER:  I'm naked.  That may be a mistake.  If I could correct it, I'd dress.

A lot of you have asked me to bring back my political updates.  Now let me see you put your email where your mouth is.  If I don't receive at least 50 emails regarding this update, there will be no political updates on this page again.

Really.

I mean it this time.

This is your last chance.

Email me at alex@juicycerebellum.com