About four or five years ago,
militant housewives, and deluded idiots across the country, discovered they had a
"frame-by-frame" feature on their VCR. Ever since, Disney (and the rest of
us) has had to tolerate their "crusade" against "dirty" cartoons like
"Beauty and the Beast," and "The Little Mermaid." "The
Little Mermaid?!?" you ask, "what could they find offensive about that?"
What they found was a "penis" on the video packaging. One of
the towers remotely resembles the glorious cock of yore, and the religious-right is sure
this will corrupt their once innocent children forever (who would have never noticed it in
the first place, if certain "religious" people could have kept their mouths
shut). What did they find with "Beauty and the Beast?" While
spending another day watching Disney videos, frame-by-frame, with no sound, looking for
something to bitch about, these wanna-be Watsons found a couple frames that had drawings
of Belle naked, or the Beast fucking Belle, or some other shit I'm sure they rewound and
played countless times, so they could all
get off see how Disney is
out to corrupt our children. But, what this article is about, isn't what these
God-fearing morons found, it's about what they missed.
Stuff the right-wing
religious groups missed, in their battle against Disney cartoons
Written by: Alex Sandell
Research done by: Alex Sandell
Disney's greed, and "profit above all else" tactics still hated by: Alex Sandell
Beauty and the Beast:
1.) The Beast is naked the whole time.
2.) Mrs. Pots (or is it Potts?) has a child named chip, proving that someone out there actually had sex with Angela Lansbury.
3.) The name Mrs. "Pots" is in obvious reference to marijuana, encouraging children everywhere to be "pot"heads.
4.) Spawned a sequel, enticing children across the world to beg for really crappy movies.
The Little Mermaid:
1.) A fish wants to fuck a human, making our kids get horny every time they eat tuna. Obvious nod toward bestiality.
2.) Blatant racism against seagulls.
3.) The bad girl is fat, not to mention a squid, making children believe that all fat people are bad (and have tentacles.)
4.) "Mermaid" rhymes with "spermmaid," and the name is "Little," making men everywhere insecure about the size of their penises, every time they orgasm.
Lady and the Tramp:
1.) "Tramp." Enough said.
1.) Oh, so now everyone with big ears is dumb, huh?
1.) Who can't figure this one out? Bambi matures, he grows horns. Horns = "horny." Perverted Disney, what were they thinking?
1.) Reduced a bunch of midgets down to a stereotype. "Sneezy." "Grumpy." "Horny." "Sleepy." The list goes on.
1.) Really fucking sucked.
1.) His nose grew when he lied. Is that the only time it grew?
2.) Was made out of wood. Wood = woody. Woody = boner.
3.) Made kids think they'd turn into donkeys if they played pool, and smoked. Has sent thousands to therapy, ever since.
4.) Geppeto was ugly.
1.) A-Lad-In. What do you think that "lad" was "in?" Jasmine come to mind? (Yes, I did have to drop a "d" to come up with this. But I'm allowed to stretch, the religious-right sure did.)
2.) Makes young, impressionable children think that rich people can actually be nice.
The Great Mouse Detective:
1.) If you look closely at his hat, you'll notice it's an exact replica of a vagina.
The Lion King:
1.) Oh, so now only lions can be kings?
1.) Encourages kids to have lots and lots of sex, so they can have 101 "Dalmatians" of their own.
2.) Cruella De Vil smoked, showing that if you want to be the coolest person in a movie, you have to smoke. I read somewhere that cigarette smoking between the ages of 5-7 jumped up an incredible 123% after this movie was released!
The Jungle Book:
1.) One of the main causes of illiteracy. It doesn't look like a "book" to me.
1.) Only makes kids want to be kidnapped, in hopes that some fucking rodents will come and save them.
The Rescuers Down Under:
1.) Proof that Disney should stay out of the sequel business.
1.) Oh . . . right. Just try stealing from the mega-rich Disney corporation, to give to the poor. I dare ya.
Song of the South:
1.) Obvious racism. Black people aren't rabbits.
Alice in Wonderland:
1.) Encourages kids everywhere to take lots of acid, and jump into holes.
Sword and the Stone:
1.) Just a way to start kids out early on the road of getting stoned, having sex, and saying "and the," a lot. The sword represents sex, obviously. The stone, you can figure that one out.
Hunchback of Notre Dame:
1.) Degrading to hunchbacks everywhere. What if they called it "The Cripple of Minnesota?" Would it still be "acceptable," then?
2.) The funny characters made out of stone is once again Disney's attempt to get children "stone"d.
Oliver and Company:
1.) Features music by Billy Joel.
1.) In an ancient indian language, "hontas" means "really nice ass." Suddenly, Poke-a-hontas doesn't sound so nice, does it?
1.) If you play the soundtrack backwards, there's a part where it sounds like Hercules says "fucky-poop-shit."
The Black Cauldron:
1.) Was rated PG!
I only had about 400 hours to analyze these Disney movies, so I'm sure there's much, much more. I just hope that next time you pop up some popcorn, and slide in a Disney video, for your kids to "enjoy," you ask yourself: "what are my children watching here? Disney or porn?"
Copyright 1997, Alex Sandell [all rights reserved]. Don't copy it . . . I'll notice.
Wow, what you said really has me thinking. Send me back to the Main Juice, please.