Written by: Alex Sandell
Dissect: To take apart. Look inside. Cut open.
Headbanger: Person prone to banging one's head.
Welcome class, to Totally Juicy 101. Today we'll be discussing the art of headbanging, and those who partake in such an art, namely, headbangers. Headbangers primarily listen to loud, outdated music that died along with the eighties. Although there are sensible headbangers, and even some decent headbanger bands, the majority of headbangers are known to be overly hostile when they feel their music is being threatened, defensive of their artform, and prone to violent attacks if you make fun of spandex or poofy hair.
Today we are lucky enough to have a real, live headbanger with us. His name is Shawn Ruden, but he prefers to be called "Fart". Before hearing what Fart has to say, let's look inside of his head and see what motivates him, what his driving forces are. Using the graphic below and high-tech gadgetry bought off from the former Soviet Union once they became losers, I am able to show you exactly what Fart is thinking. See for yourself:
Graphic 1.01 "Inside the mind of a headbanger"
As you can see, the two primary thoughts running through Fart's brain are 1.) Heavy Metal and 2.) Sex. For years scientists have tried to figure out what the correlation between these two obsessions are, but have drawn a blank. In 1992, after heavy metal was generally considered extinct, they gave up and pursued more important things such as impotence pills. Today, through The Juicy Cerebellum's miraculous discovery of Fart, we have found one headbanger is very much alive and his growing process evidently ended before "White Lion" dropped out of the top 100.
The Juicy Cerebellum initially provoked fart through an update that was written on May 5th, 1997 and titled, "Ten really crappy glam bands the world could have lived without". Although the update is rather outdated, so is Fart, and when he came upon it, he felt threatened. A primal feeling of anger overcame him. He decided to follow Poison's advice and "cry out to the world" by emailing the author of the piece (as well as this piece), Alex Sandell. Here is the email he sent to The Juicy Cerebellum on January 6th, 1999. Let's dissect it:
What is your fucking problem, Shithead? Obviously you listen to some other deviant form of music, probably alternative or ska, so that makes you a bookworm creep geek that couldn't get laid if you were naked in a 2 cent whorehouse. You prattle on about sex like it's a disease. try it you might like it. Make sure your partner has a slit and not a schlong, unless you are gay. In that case go fuck yourself and get that insipid website off of the internet.
Mr. Ruden (Fart) begins the letter by asking what my "fucking" problem is, and then proceeds to call me a shithead. This is the typical headbanger response to something they do not understand. Although my update was obviously my own opinion, and wasn't written in stone, Mr. Ruden felt somehow offended, as though everyone has to find "Pour Some Sugar On Me" high-art, or they just aren't worth the dirt they stand on.
Shawn then proceeds to state that I "obviously" listen to some other "deviant" form of music. He guesses that "deviant" music is either alternative or ska. He then deduces that I must be a "bookworm creep" who "couldn't get laid" if I were "naked in a 2 cent whorehouse". This is also very typical of the headbanger mentality. "If you don't like what I like you must like total shit and plus you can't even get no pussy, dummy." So, in Fart's mind, if you don't listen to "Van Halen" you're not only a "bookworm", but also a virgin. It is odd Mr. Ruden would look down on either. I didn't know sticking my nose in a book was a sin, next time I'll make sure it's a hairy vagina.
He then accuses me of prattling on about sex "like it's a disease". This statement is as far from the truth as you can come. Yet, so is KISS, and they remain a slight curiosity among those less advanced, so I guess honesty doesn't factor into the headbanger thought-process. Admittedly, I did accuse all ten bands on my list of singing nearly exclusively about sex, although I did not say sex was wrong, or that I did not enjoy it. I just thought there may be something better to tell millions of people about. Then again, maybe a headbanger needs directions. Who knows?
Fart then tells me to make sure what I'm making love to is a "slit" and not a "schlong", unless I am "gay". If I am gay, he believes I should go fuck myself and get my "insipid website" off of the Internet. A headbanger oftentimes has macho-insecurities to deal with, and this may be where the homophobic remarks Mr. Ruden made came from. It has always struck me as funny that the men who love male bands in lipstick and spandex appear to be the most homophobic of all. This issue will have to be studied further before I finally tell gentlemen such as Shawn to, "come out of the closet".
7 days later, on January 13th, 1999, I responded with a brief, one-line email which read:
Thanks for reminding me why I hate the headbanger mentality.
About seven minutes later, also on January 13th, 1999, Mr. Ruden responded to my one-sentence comment with this paragraph long hatemail:
I am not a headbanger in the strictest sense of the word. I am a amateur drummer with more talent then some of your favorite kiddie bands' drummers. Besides, if you are trully an"intellectual" you would be tolerant of all kinds of music. In closing I'd like to say "Drop Dead, asshole!
He begins by telling me that he is not a headbanger in "the strictest sense of the word". I wonder what kind of headbanger he is, then? He goes on to brag about being an amateur drummer with more "talent" then some of my favorite "kiddie bands' drummers". Oddly enough, Mr. Ruden doesn't have the first clue as to what kind of music I listen to. Hmm . . . Also note the large ego Shawn Ruden has. Declaring how much talent he has to me, over the Internet. An ego is a necessity if you are to prance around in tight spandex pants while labeling yourself the "God of Thunder".
Fart then goes on to say that, as an "intellectual", I would be tolerant of "all kinds of music". This is odd being that one sentence earlier he accuses "my" bands of being "kiddie". You may also remember him putting down both "ska" and "alternative" in his previous email. Are these not bands, Mr. Ruden? Obviously, he is admitting that he is not an "intellectual". By this point, I'm surprised the moron can spell.
Finally, Shawn tells me that "in closing" he would like to say, "Drop Dead, asshole!". Although it has yet to be determined, I think this is the mating call of the headbanger. "Drop Dead, asshole!" is yelled out, and suddenly hairspray-addicted women with big butts and tight pants come crawling into 4X4 trucks everywhere. Well, as long as there's a subwoofer.
Sadly, in the time it took me to dissect Mr. Shawn "Fart" Ruden's emails, he has ditched class. Luckily, due to a short note found in a sleeping girl's crotch, he left a clue as to where we can find him. It reads: "I'll be where the 'Down Boys' are." I'm assuming that's at the bottom of the charts. We'll be seeing ya there, Shawn.
©1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this without my permission and you'll suddenly find yourself as a fifty-year-old in a wig and makeup, telling a bunch of drunk rednecks, night after night, for at least 25 years, how much you want to "rock and roll all night, and party every day"! Graphics by the wonderful Tommy Ray.
Something on your mind? Email Alex at email@example.com
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