50 Fun Things to Shove Up Your Ass  Written by:  Alex Sandell

50.  GI Joe action figures (let the military have their heads up somebody else's ass, for a change.)
49.  Any of those tall, thin candles.  (I hear the short, fat ones can be rather painful, and oftentimes get stuck, causing severe constipation and bull-legs.)
48.  Pez Dispensers (do not dispense Pez, if you plan on eating).
47.  Pez.   
46.  Beer bottles.
45.  Whiskey bottles (if your ass has developed a high-tolerance toward beer).
44.  Pixie Sticks.
43.  Pens.
42.  Pencils (unsharpened is preferable).
41.  Banana.
40.  Banana in a condom (for those who want to eat it, afterward).
39.  Vacuum cleaner handle.
38.  Vacuum cleaner hose (do NOT turn cleaner on).
37.  The handles of a Nintendo 64 control-pad.
36.  Magic wand (rectal residue may diminish magic wand's accuracy, if not washed properly).
35.  Anything by Microsoft (because they deserve to be up there).
34.  The top of a pear (only the most experienced butt-stickers "go all the way").
33.  The corner of a picture frame (only the most insane butt-stickers "go all the way").
32.  Toothbrush (a mouthwash enema is a good way to follow-up your brushing.  Flossing is not recommended, unless it is in "thong" form.).
31.  Computer microphone ("talking shit" takes on a whole new meaning).
30.  Class ring (they're worthless the day after you graduate, anyway).
29.  Batteries (AA, if you're a virgin, D, is you're up for some serious "ass"ction.)
28.  TV antenna (the kind on the top of old TVs, NOT the big one on top of your house).
27.  Scissor handle.  
26.  Comb handle (this is also convenient, if you have a hairy ass).
25.  Brush handle (this is also convenient, if you have a REALLY hairy ass).
24.  Shoelace (rectum must be dilated before inserting lace).    
23.  Clothes Hanger.
22.  Light bulb (Do not clench buttocks.).
21.  Penlight (this is ideal, for those times when you're playing doctor with some friends).
20.  Canadian coins (nothing else will accept them).
19.  Color Crayons.
18.  Plastic Spock ears (it will look far less nerdy than wearing them on head).
17.  Mr. Potato Head's body parts (any part will do).
16.  Christmas tree ornaments (for those times when you're feeling particularly festive).
15.  Broomstick (convenient if your intestines are itching).
14.  Chess pieces (for the intellect in you).
13.  Toothpaste bottle (menthol causes a fun tingle).
12.  Miniature Globe (for all the times when it feels like you've got the world up your ass).
11.  Plastic Lightsaber.
10.  Hair curler (use only when cool).
 9.  Mop handle (superior to a broom, on those days where you have a bad case of diarrhea.)
 8.  Clothes Pin.
 7.  Shampoo bottle (stick, insert, and repeat.)
 6.  Screwdriver handle.
 5.  Microscope (looking through it will remind you why you need to wash your hands when you're done playing!).
 4.  Skittles (farting out a rainbow of fruit flavors is a party favorite.).
 3.  Cordless phone antenna (for those one-sided conversations).
Mrs. Field's day-old cookies (yes - they really are that stale!)
 1.  Doggy bone (the chew toy . . . pervert).

Need more information?  Have any suggestions?  Want to comment on the girl in the picture's buttocks?  Send me an email, darling. 

2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  Due to my DNA being hyper-stimulated, I am capable of melting your entire body into a pile of goo, just by thinking about it, so I wouldn't suggest ticking me off. 

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