Bob Dole Announced as Ronald Replacement
12:49 A.M. March 26th, 1997
Alex Sandell

In a startling development, McDonald's restaurants has already announced Ronald McDonald's replacement. After Ronald's surprising death at 6:43 p.m., McPacific time, on March 19, 1997, McDonald's immediately went on the hunt for a new spokesperson, weeding through 13,142 applicants, to narrow the selection down to 1, former Senator, Robert Dole. "Basically, we just needed someone who would say whatever we wanted him to. Mr. Dole was that person." Said Marty McGreasepit, CEO of the McDonald's franchise.

When asked if he felt guilty over sponsoring a restaurant known to sell what many label as "junk-food," Mr. Dole replied "there has been no evidence that 'junk-food' is addictive. I used to eat junk-food and, I was able to quit." When asked if he would be donning Ronald's famous makeup, Mr. Dole answered with "no comment."

The first ads, featuring the ex-Senator and, Presidential-candidate, are thought to air sometime in May and, are said to have Mr. Dole dancing the Macarena with six suit and tie wearing, computer generated, Chicken McNuggets. The Juicy Cerebellum will keep its eye out for further reports.

-Juicy Cerebellum Press Syndicate

1997 Alex Sandell If you wanna copy it, you have too much time on your hands, anyway.

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