My Life As A Drone
Written by: Alex Sandell

My life as a drone hasn't been easy, so far. I tap out a couple pages of my most intimate thoughts, and get a couple hundred assholes tearing me open for being too honest. Still, I'm not the easiest guy to deal with, and my dick leans to the right.

That's not the worst of it . . .

There's the big fat guy who uses my deceased grandpa against me, and has 17 chins. (Yeah, buddy - you're such a guitar god, you get to teach lessons to kids once a week!)

There's the girl from Canada that breaks the most sacred promise she ever made, and has hundreds of freckles.

There's the woman who calls me all the time, and goes from being happy and content, to morbid and afraid at the drop of a dime, plus - she won't show me her tits.

How about the chick who kept claiming she was a Playboy model, and turned out to have a dick? (Really, I haven't slept since.)

The paranoid, self-deluded waste of space who can't handle a taste of her own medicine, and has a horrible phone voice?

The dude who says he "worships" me, and then proceeds to send me a quote from the Bible every day.

The Finnish woman who disappears with no notice, and is at least 7 feet tall.

The secretary who admits she was hired for her legs, but gets furious if you accuse her of using her body to get to the top (or is it "on top?").

The mother who keeps taking drugs, even though she has a beautiful, intelligent girl who she is raising alone.

The idiot that claims he's a ghost, and won't stop sending me letters which prove that he really was born in 1774. (Boy, I wonder who's going to win this debate?)

The 60-year-old who keeps insisting she's my "real" mom.

Finally, there's the woman who offered me a flight to California, and $1,000.00, but only if I'd "lick her asshole" until I "sent her to Heaven."

Sure, this is the place "where everyone is normal, because nobody is sane!" but is everybody really this fucking nuts??? I could literally type examples of insanity (see "Tex the invisible lawyer") for the next 48 hours, and not even cover half of whom (what?) I've come across online. Still, that would be a contradiction to the punchline, and I wouldn't want to brake my own code of ethics (hey, Bill Clinton - do I get a magic star?).

I've heard people say, "this is just the way people are, bud - everyone is online." Is everyone online? No. The biggest group of people online are housewives, high school and college students, middle-class people with nothing better to do, and a few idiots such as myself, trying to spread their brand of "genius" across the web.

There's not many poor people online (although the politicians just swear that if they're elected, this would all change), there's not many interesting people online, there's not many people with a life online. Why? The longer you're online, the less of a life you're actually living.

The Internet is an outlet. An "escape." The Internet is the digital version of a six-pack of beer. (Most likely "Bud Light".)

People are on the Internet because they have nowhere else to be.

Want an example? See my "cyber"-friend Amanda. (Should I have put the word "friend" in quotes, instead?) She was online 24/7 (even more, if that's possible) chatting with her "cyber"-boyfriend that she met in a chatroom on some desperate night. She now goes to college with that boyfriend, and he is no longer cyber (although, probably desperate). Last night was the first time I saw her online in a month. We sent a couple messages back and forth, and she left without the time to give a proper goodbye.

She said she's spending all her time either with her boyfriend, studying, or pursuing any activity that doesn't take a 28.8 connection. Why is this? She found another place to be. A place some choose to call "reality". I prefer "the road back to your modem", but hey - what do I know? - I'm just your average net-junkie.

I don't want to be here. None of us really want to be here. But we are. You are, at this very moment. Go outside. There's actually flesh and blood wandering around out there somewhere. Maybe you'll bump into it, and find a reason to turn off your modem for good.

What a nice thought.


1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved.] If you thought you were one of the people being written about up above, you probably were. Email your complaints to Thanks.

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