Alex Sandell,
in his best

mode
(well, not really his best, but he tried, damnit),
Presents:
Hackers Hear a Who!
Written by: Alex Sandell (obviously)
(if you don't have the "comic sans" font, get it to make this page look neat-o)

All the hacks down in HackVille,
are hacks plain and square.
Contradict them?
You wouldn't dare,
or they'll crash your harddisk,
trust me, I swear.

They can enter everyone's houses,
and everyone's home,
yet somehow every hacker's alone.

Hackers are hack-geeks,
it's all that they do.
You better watch out,
or they'll find your password, too.

Why do they do this?
Do you understand?
The only friend that they have,
is the mouse in their hand.

Out for vengeance,
they hate the whole world,
Every Who, every What,
every guy, every girl.

So they make up programs
to give you a scare,
tapping and typing all night,
in their "Superman" underwear.
Why should you worry, why should you care?
The games hackers play, are games that aren't fair.
They're games they develop in the Hacken-Crack lab
in Central Bel Aire.
Another one's located in Silicone Valley,
I think,
and another one in an alley that stinks.
And another in France,
and one in Peru.
And one in a guy's house in Honolulu.
One in Montana,
but that one doesn't work.
And one in the basement
of a guy that calls himself "Captain Kirk."
One in Georgia,
another in Spain.
One on a bus,
and one in a plane.
One in a tower,
and one in the dark.
I think there might even be one
in Central Park.
There's Hacken-Crack labs across the planet,
thinking up ways to hack and to crack,
all playing games to "get the world back."

Games they develop that nuke and decrypt,
I think they have one that blows up your house,
if you type the word "tit."
Another takes your first-born if you sit in the nude,
talking in chatrooms,
while being lewd.
Last that I heard,
if you let your tongue slip,
there's even one that breaks your right hip.
They're working on breaking the left,
but so far they've only gotten a slight ache in the chest.

A hacker hides in the shadows,
and tip-toes about.
I'm sure they'd cower and run,
if you actually pointed one out.
Hackers weigh in on the cowardly-scale by the ton,
it's only behind a monitor's safety
that a hacker has fun.

In their own heads there's
a throbbing brain,
and inside that brain
lies a headful of shame.
You see,
a hacker may talk tough,
but they're nothing but lame.

So listen my friend, to this last word, too;
a hacker's a hacker because a hacker's a fool.

1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you rip this off, I'll sue you, I swear, trust me I would, I wouldn't care. The Dr. Seuss trademark signature isn't copyrighted, at least not by me. Maybe I'll get sued too, I'll have to just wait and see!

You know the routine, just click it.