I've had a lot of friends, family members, and people I didn't really like in the first place, die on me over the past 10 years. This is all fine and dandy, but I'm left with one complaint . . . their funerals were all the same. Sure, there might have been a different person playing the organ; but, for the most part, it was body in front, religious songs wailing, family members crying, and really uncomfortable seats. Plus, I've never seen one take place outside of a church.

I think there should be drive-thru funeral windows set up in Vegas. If they can do it for weddings, I'm sure they can set up a system for something equally morbid. You could even receive a few complimentary tokens to gamble with, after the "big event." "The Death Special," or something. "Losing a loved one can be hard. Striking it rich minutes later might help ease your pain. Come down to the Chapel O' Death, and deal with it like a real American. Drink and gamble your grief away. Only $99.95, if you apply before July 1st."

Why does death have to be so expensive? Maybe a system should be set up at these rip-off funeral parlors, where you pay for 6 embalmings, and get the seventh for free. Or else we should just throw each other in a ditch somewhere, and have the funeral in the woods. The Government could work it into that "adopt a highway" thing. You adopt it, clean it, and then they let your corpse rot there.

What it all boils down to is this: this introduction could be an update all by itself. No, wait, that's not what I meant to say. What it all boils down to is this: there's just got to be a more entertaining way to cap off your life.

I've put a lot of thought into my funeral, since no one else really has, and have came up with something I think will please both young and old, alike. Since I haven't ever put it in print, I thought I would show you it here, for the first time. Ladies, gentlemen, and Juicy people, this is

Alex Sandell's Funeral
Written by: Alex "just barely breathing" Sandell

Okay, the first thing you've got to have is a location. I'm picking the bowling alley. Not cuz I bowl, but because the place already smells like a dead body. Once everyone arrives, I would like my body to be rolled out from the "pin area," in a big, cardboard box, with the word "recycle" printed out on the side, in magic marker.

As my body comes out from under that pin place, I'd like the 20th Century Fox fanfare music to play. The fanfare would kick into the "Star Wars" theme music, as my box rolls its way down the lane. Morbid people can stand in the gutters, and look at my body, if they'd like, but I don't want any pallbearers pushing me. I want sled-dogs.

Once I get to the end of the lane, the dogs can rest, as I rest in peace. At this point, if anyone wants to get up and talk about me, they can, but I don't want Elton John singing. I'd prefer Kermit the Frog.

You see, this is the much needed "lump-in-the-throat" moment. By the time Kermit strains out his last "the lovers, the dreamers, and me," the place will be a swamp. This would be a good time for anyone who's holding it, to pee on the floor.

After this, a Priest can talk for a little bit, so I don't go to Hell. All I ask, is that he's a midget, pretends he's a munchkin, and has a huge lollipop. Big ears would also be a plus.

When the Priest finishes talking; I'd like one religious song to play, which will cement my "not-going-to-Hell" status. I'd probably like the "he will raise you up, on eagle's wings" thing, cuz it's kinda nice imagery, and makes my mom cry.

I think the middle of this song would be the perfect place for the big finale, where my body, which has been secretly filled with helium, comes floating out of the box. I will slowly float over the audience, almost as though I've been born again!

As I float around, the song "Surprise, You're Dead!" will blare through the house speakers, and people will begin using my body as a beachball. It will be like a rock concert, right in the local bowling alley! People will laugh, as I come flying their way. "Over here! Over here!" They'll yell. I think I'll make a nice beachball.

Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and my body will run out of helium, and I'll have to be taken down, and tied to a string. It is then that it will be announced that there's $1,000.00 cash, and a bunch of "Nutrageous" candy bars hidden inside my delicate corpse.

One baseball bat will be handed out to each funeral attendee, and they can try their hand at breaking the human Piñata! Only one swing per-person! The first one to bust me open, wins the grand prize (and more likely than not, the majority of Nutrageous bars).

With my body exploded, one person $1,000.00 wealthier, and a whole bunch of chocolate, caramel and nuts, the funeral will come to an end. As people leave, I'd like that really melodramatic "Luke looking at the two suns" version of the "Star Wars" theme to be playing.

Everyone will go home so happy. "That was a really nice funeral," they'll say. "It was different."

I just hope someone remembers to dump my body into the ditch, before locking up for the night.

©1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. I'd like to note that I do not like the band "Faith No More," but feel "Surprise, You're Dead" is just an idyllic funeral hymn. I'd also like to point out the fact that, if you copy this, it'll be your funeral, long before it is mine. Thanks.

Back to the table of brains 1998

Back to the mind-map.