2004 Juicy Cerebellum Presidential Voter Guide

A look at where Citizen's Activist Ralph Nader, Senator John Forbes Kerry
and
President George W. Bush stand on the issues.

Note: Across the web there have been numerous voter's guides put up, but they've all been unfairly biased against a certain candidate.  If you look at these "guides," you'll notice they deliberately make one candidate look bad (usually Kerry) and another look like the second coming of Christ (usually Bush).  Even the pictures are altered to make George Bush look better than his opponents.  A number of sites have a flattering colored picture of George Bush and next to that a grainy black and white picture of John Kerry smoking a joint.  The Juicy Cerebellum has sworn not to play that game.  The three pictures of each candidate are all in color, are all the exact same size and are all of the same quality.  But pictures don't make the man -- the issues do.  And we've got them covered.  So, kick back, read the NON-BIASED facts about where the candidates stand and then GET OUT AND VOTE!  Oh, and, as always, STAY JUICY!

"Religion is meant to encourage, by bribing, with a monopoly of worldly honours, those who will externally profess and conform to it."
-Thomas Jefferson

 

Citizen's Activist Ralph Nader

Senator John F. Kerry

President George W. Bush

Death Penalty Opposes.  Supports the immediate enactment of a death penalty moratorium. QUOTE: “The death penalty has been shown, in study after study, not to deter homicides; it has been shown to be discriminatorily applied to the poor and the defenseless, especially defendants who don’t have lawyers who stay awake at trial.” Somewhat Opposes But thinks we need to "hunt down and kill" terrorists, wherever they are.  He says that a whole bunch, to prove he's a man. QUOTE: “ I will stop at absolutely nothing to hunt down, capture or kill the terrorists wherever they are, whatever it takes.  And I shot a goose, to prove I'm a man." Supports George W. Bush has yet to meet a person he wouldn't like to execute. QUOTE: “ I'm confident that every person (all 131 of them) that has been put to death in Texas under my watch has been guilty of the crime charged, and has had full access to the courts.  I mean, what would Jesus do?"
The War on Drugs Opposes.  Supports the immediate end to this foolish "war.". QUOTE: “Our failed war on drugs is endangering our communities, imperiling police, wasting tens of billions of dollars and, because it is criminalizing what is a health problem instead of rehabilitation for drug addicts, is filling our prisons at $40,000 a prisoner and making the corporate-prison industry even richer. The way to go is to look at drug addiction as a rehabilitation challenge, focus on youngsters in terms of prevention, have community policing where the police work and live in the community, which is the best way to make a community safe, and decriminalize marijuana Somewhat Supports (although he's done drugs) John Kerry supports aggressively targeting traffickers and dealers, as well as making a commitment to sufficiently fund drug prevention and treatment programs. QUOTE: “I once opposed mandatory sentences for people convicted of drug crimes.  But I voted for them later on. There may have been an individual instance where I thought they were too long or didn't make sense. But I've voted for mandatory minimums in certain instances." Supports (although he's done lots and lots and lots of drugs) George Bush supports aggressively targeting traffickers and dealers, as long as they're not his twin daughters, and supports killing them in a painful manner. QUOTE: “My daughters are HOT!"
The War in Iraq Opposes.  The Nader/Camejo Campaign would like to reiterate its longstanding belief that the attitudes informing US foreign policy require sweeping overhaul.  QUOTE: “The faulty and fabricated rationale for war has the US in a quagmire. Already more than $155 billion has been spent, adding to huge Bush deficits, when critical needs are not being met at home. We should not be mired in the occupation of Iraq risking further upheavals when our infrastructure, schools and health care are deteriorating. Four years of free public college and university tuition for all students could be paid for by $155 billion.” Somewhat Supports (although he's also somewhat against it) Kerry voted in support of the Senate resolution authorizing the President to use force against Saddam Hussein QUOTE: “Iraq has some lethal and incapacitating agents and is capable of quickly producing weaponizing of a variety of such agents, including anthrax, for delivery on a range of vehicles, such as bombs, missiles, aerial sprayers and covert operatives which would bring them to the United States itself." Supports (because Karl Rove told him to) George Bush would rather cut off his right nut than admit that he was wrong.  If this guy tripped over a banana peel, he'd declare war on bananas. QUOTE: “Once we blow everybody the fuck up, how they gonna be blowin' us up?  Right?  Stay the course.  Yee-ha!  Blowing innocent women and children up is the Born-Again Christian way.  Really, what would Jesus do?  Flip-flop.  Fuzzy math. I'm Batman!"
Corporate Welfare/Crime Opposes.  The US needs to crack down on corporate crime that has in the last four years drained trillions of dollars from workers, investors, pension holders and consumers. The reforms needed are resources to prosecute and convict the corporate crooks and to democratize corporate governance so shareholders have real power.  QUOTE: “There is only one change that will counteract the entrenched interests which create, shield and rationalize corporate welfare programs: an informed and mobilized citizenry.” Supports.  Howard Dean would be the nominee, if not for the millions John Kerry received in corporate welfare, when his campaign was in debt up to its eyeballs.  QUOTE: “In the end, I hope I can make people aware that a vote for Ralph Nader is a vote for George Bush.  Really, it is.  Why don't you believe me?  Would I lie to you, just to make you super paranoid?  Really?  Would I?" Supports.  George W. Bush has made handing out corporate welfare priority # 1.  His greedy corporate buddies are richer now, more than ever before.  QUOTE: “Hey, we got Martha Stewart in prison, isn't that good enough?  Did I mention that I pray every day?  What would Jesus do?"
Gay Marriage Supports.  Liberal activists have urged allies on the left to ignore Ralph Nader’s bid for president to concentrate opposition to George W. Bush. But Nader favors gay marriage, an issue that energizes many liberals but is opposed by John KerryQUOTE: “Of course I'd support gay couples marrying. Love and commitment is not exactly in surplus in this countryThe main tragedy, what undermines marriage, is divorce.” Opposes.  Although he claims that he thinks ALL men and women are equal (even Dick Cheney's daughter), he doesn't want to grant them equal rights.  Straights can get married, under a Kerry administration, but gays, at best, can only receive "civil unions."  QUOTE: “I believe the best way to protect gays and lesbians is through civil unions. If the Massachusetts Legislature crafts an appropriate amendment that provides for civil unions, I would support it. I believe marriage is between a man and a woman." Opposes.  George Bush has been advocating a Constitutional AMENDMENT (yes, you read that right), blocking homosexuals from getting married in any state.  So much for that "getting big Government" out of the lives of Americans. QUOTE: “Faggots suck.  We should kill them.  Who would Jesus kill?  I got busted drinking and driving and gave the cop a blowjob to hide it.  Does that mean I'm gay?  In that situation, what would Jesus do?  Who would he blow?"
Clean Environment Supports.  as the evidence of global warming mounts it is evident that we threaten the global environment with tremendous economic threats facing humanity including bankrupting the reinsurance industry, the spread of infectious tropical diseases, massive ecological disruption and increased severe and unpredictable weather, all of which will significantly impact commerce, agriculture and communities across America.  QUOTE: “The epidemic of silent environmental violence continues. Whether it is the 65,000 Americans who die every year from air pollution, or the 80,000 estimated annual fatalities from hospital malpractice, or the 100,000 Americans whose demise comes from occupational toxic exposures or the cruel environmental racism where the poor and their often asthmatic children live. Toxic standards are designed for adults not for more vulnerable children, this should be reversed.” Somewhat Opposes.  For reasons not clearly known, but thought to be based within the sick pandering to the idiot base of electorates that John Kerry hopes to capture, he has said that he will NOT sign the Kyoto treaty.  Bush refused to sign the treaty four years go.  Al Gore promised to promote the environmental necessity, if he would have won the election in 2000 (which he did)QUOTE: “We have the right to breathe unpolluted air, drink safe water, eat uncontaminated food, live in clean communities and enjoy our natural treasures. Over the last three years, we have seen these rights eroded. We have seen hard-won environmental gains rolled back, our air polluted and our water contaminated.” Vehemently Opposes.  George W. Bush has been the WORST environmental president in history.  If you care about the air you breathe, the air your children breathe, or even if you're thinking far enough ahead to worry about the air your grandchildren breathe, you will NOT vote for George W. Bush.  To this guy, the environment is the enemy.  He could give a piss less about alternative sources of energy.  He just wants to make his oil buddies in Texas happy and rich.  If you care about your life and the lives of your offspring, you WILL NOT REELECT THIS MAN!.  QUOTE: “My  environmental record in Texas is notably poor, and I have never suggested I care. On my watch, the air in Houston has become so foul that the city has recently displaced Los Angeles as the city with the worst smog in America. And I'm proud.  I've made lots of friends this way!”
Outsourcing jobs/free trade Opposes.  Nader offers himself as a strong alternative to Republican George W. Bush and Democrat John Kerry. He promises to protect labor rights, fight for a living wage and to fight to keep American jobs in AmericaQUOTE: “NAFTA and the WTO makes commercial trade supreme over environmental, labor, and consumer standards and need to be replaced with open agreements that pull-up rather than pull down these standards. These forms of secret autocratic governance and their detailed rules are corporate-managed trade that puts short-term corporate profits as the priority. While global trade is a fact of life, trade policies must be open, democratic and not strip-mine environmental, social and labor standards.” Supports.  Voted YES on renewing 'fast track' presidential trade authority. Voted YES on extending free trade to Andean nations.  Voted YES on granting normal trade relations status to Vietnam.  Voted YES on removing common goods from national security export rules.  Voted YES on expanding trade to the third world.  Voted YES on enlarging NATO to include Eastern Europe.  Voted NO on limiting NATO expansion to only Poland, Hungary & Czech. Voted YES on ending Vietnam embargo.  QUOTE: “We should trade with countries until they have labor and environment standards that are equal to the US. [Not doing so] is a policy for shutting the door.” Vehemently Supports.  George hasn't found a job that he didn't want to outsource.  Well, outside of the PresidencyQUOTE: “I'm on the side of the working man.” (He was either winking at corporate CEOs or addressing idiots, when making that claim.)
Nipples Supports.  Nipples, but only if they're used to give milk.  QUOTE: “Although I'm a virgin, I did suck a woman's nipples once.  I turned her on when I made seatbelts mandatory.  I didn't really enjoy it.” Supports.  Nipples, but only if they belong to a super rich heiress, or are free of hair.  QUOTE: “I married that ketchup chick for her cash, not her nips.  I mean, I wouldn't mind so much, but those things are hairy.  I feel like I'm passionately sucking on a used comb.” Supports.  Nipples, but only if they're robotic.  QUOTE: “No one is dumb enough to think Laura is an actual human being, are they?  Well, maybe the religious right.  This lady is as Stepford as they come.  One time Karl Rove told me he could spend an evening 'boffing' her and it wouldn't be cheating, because she's a robot.  That's one of his 'exaggerations.'”

JUICY CEREBELLUM ENDORSEMENT:  Many "liberals" claim that a vote for Nader is a vote for Bush, without explaining what they mean.  I've argued for years that a vote for Nader is a vote for Nader.  My younger brother is actually voting for Bush, just to prove to them that a vote for Nader is much better than a vote for Bush (I'm guessing he won't go through with it, but it's been fun watching him freak people out, when he claims that he will).  Kerry is okay in some areas (and he's STRONG in his support of embryonic stem cell research, which is reason enough to vote for him), and he is far better than Bush in almost ALL areas (his stance on Israel's occupation of Palestine territory being the exception), but, if you're a left-leaning Liberal and you strictly vote your conscience, how could you ever live with yourself if you vote for a man who voted to give permission to Bush to go to Iraq (and then hit every major talk show, telling anyone and everyone willing to listen how great this war was), voted for the PATRIOT ACT, strongly supports Globalization, etc?  Therefore, although Bush sucks greasy monkey dick, The Juicy Cerebellum, as it did in 1996 and 2000, fully supports and endorses Ralph Nader for the position of President of the United States of America.  But, if you vote for anyone on the ballot, other than George W. Bush, we'll pat your back and say, "that'll do, pig ... that'll do."  Remember when farmer Hoggett said that in Babe?  I briefly wept. 

Agree?  Disagree?  Think I give a fuck?  Email!

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