The Ten Most Embarrassing Moments in the Life of Alex Sandell
In my pursuit of honesty and self-degradation I am going to share with the world things that most people wouldn't tell their closest friends. What you are about to read may shock you, titillate you or just make you think my life really sucks. Everything you read will be true. Only the names have been changed to protect um . . . I don't know why the names have been changed. So, feel free to laugh at my misery. Just don't make fun of my hair.
Embarrassing Moment # 1- One time, my crap was all green so I decided to call my family physician about it and see what's up with the green poop. He said it might be internal bleeding and immediately sent me down to the local hospital's emergency room. After waiting for like three million years (reading magazines that were three-million year's old), they had me take off all my clothes, put on a tight little robe with bunny rabbits on it (they were out of adult robes) and then made me sit down on one of those uncomfortable hospital beds. After waiting another hour the doctor came in and she was a well, a . . . she. "Hi, Alex. I'm Dr. Imagal, I heard you're having a little trouble with pink poop." "Um, actually," I return, "it's green." What's up with girls and the color pink, anyway? "Hmmm," was her reply, as she began putting on a *gulp* latex examining glove. "Let's take a look" she mumbled, as I heard the final SNAP of the glove going on. She then had me turn onto my side, sitting with my back facing her. "Could you stick your butt out of the robe a little bit more?" She asked as I began sticking my buttocks even farther out into the wide open air. It was then I noticed the curtain that was basically my "room" was drawn open. I didn't dare reveal my modesty so I just let it remain that way and PRAYED no one would walk by. "So, you ever had a finger up your butt before?" Dr. Imagal inquired. "Um, only once . . . it was my Little League Coach," I joked. She didn't think it was funny. I never played softball. "You're going to have to relax a little bit more, Alex . . . just let me eeeeeease my way up there," the doctor with a set of knockers said, as I felt her finger going deeper and deeper inside of me. I couldn't believe how much it felt like taking a dump, but only backwards. What do gay guys see in this, anyway? Once her finger had went all the way up, I noticed this sexy nurse staring in at us through the opened curtain. Doh! And me with a finger in my ass. She swabbed herself around in my butt, I guess getting turd samples, and then pulled out. About an hour later I found out it was nothing more than too much Grape Soda making my shit green. Thanks a lot Minute Maid.
Embarrassing Moment # 2- I farted in front of a girl. (Mixing bodily functions and females hasn't worked so well for me.)
Embarrassing Moment # 3- Back in sixth grade we always had to sing "How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck if a Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood?". The teachers thought it made us better humans, or something. Well, anyway, I had buckteeth back then, before my trusty old retainer (a whole 'nother embarrassing moment onto itself) saved me. Being that kids pick out anyone with a weakness and taunt them (similar to fast-food management), I had to endure a virtual torture. Whenever we'd get done wondering how much wood a woodchuck could chuck (I'm still wondering what the fuck "chucking" is), everyone would turn around and make this sucking sound with their teeth hanging out, making fun of my protruding teeth. Now, I look back and ask, "How Much Shit Could a Sixth Grader Take if a Sixth Grader Could Take Shit?"
Embarrassing Moment # 4- I actually believed someone egotistical enough to call themselves an angel and complain about how hard they have it because they're just soooooooooo good looking could be a decent and moralistic human. At least she had no substance, so there's nothing much to miss.
Embarrassing Moment # 5- In seventh grade, there was this total bully named "Teff Dodo" and, for no reason whatsoever (maybe it was the teeth), he hated my guts. One day, he decided to REALLY torture me. We were REQUIRED to take showers after gym class, even though it was the last hour of the day and it didn't make a damn difference (how could a bus smell any worse?). As you may already know, to take a shower, you have to be nude. Well, Teff was pretty proud of that oversized cock of his. He used to strut around naked for about fifteen minutes, hangin' with the fellas, and basically being a loud-mouthed lout. I, on the other hand, was pretty embarrassed about my teeny wee-wee. It would always kinda crawl back inside me every time I was required to show it off in front of people (this was long before the Seinfeld "Shrinkage" episode). Of course Teff noticed my "ahem" weakness and like all good honor students, exploited it. When I was in the shower, Teff broke into my locker and stole my underwear and pants. As usual, I got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around myself as quickly as possible and walked to my locker. Once there I bent over as quickly as possible to get my undies just as Teff came up behind me, ripped off my towel, and forced me to stand naked in front of ALL of my classmates who were busy laughing and noticing how much more "developed" Teff was. It was like "Battle of the Schlongs" and, to be honest, Teff was winning by a long shot. (Get it, LONG shot? Heh-heh.) Since I knew I had no chance of beating out Teff's enormous (for a 13 year old) penis size, even if I COULD get an erection, I jumped for my underwear. Teff, and his brutish friends, threw them back and forth, over my head, always just a little (get it, LITTLE?) bit out of my reach. To make a long story short enough for attention deficit people, what ended up happening is: the bell rang, Teff hid my jeans and threw my underwear into the locker room abyss, forcing me to walk to the principal's office in a towel. Somehow, the principal made it out as "my fault" and I got yelled at for not being "observant enough" to find my underwear by myself. Teff Dodo remains free to this very day. He runs his own carpentry business. Stupid carpenters.
Embarrassing Moment # 6- I went to a Star Trek Convention . . . more than once.
Embarrassing Moment # 7- Back in ninth grade, I started pissing out blood. It turned out I had a bladder infection. The doctors wanted to make sure everything was pretty normal (outside of the fact that I was urinating blood) so they gave me this test. The test consisted of placing a LARGE tube all the way up my penis, into my bladder, and then pouring tons of cold water down the tube. After that I had to go pee out the water in front of an X-Ray machine, as the doctor watched. Well, of course my penis shriveled up, once again, to a dinky size (my penis isn't that small, REALLY! I'm actually six and a half inches, which is half an inch LARGER than the average American male. If you're interested in finding out for yourself: send a postcard of yourself to Alex Sandell @ 3613 Columbus Avenue, Minneapolis, MN 55407 with the statement, "hey, let's meet and have sex"! We can then set a date and make love like rabid rabbits! This deal is only valid if you are female and over 18. Big breasts are optional.) and the doctor got to watch it all on his handy X-Ray machine. This was embarrassing enough but the fun didn't stop there. The doctor, who was obviously in a hurry, made me walk across the hall, with this tube hanging from my tiny wiener, and neglected to give me a robe (not even one with little bunnies). As I walked through the hall, I heard people whispering and turned to notice that the ENTIRE waiting room was staring at me. There's no happy ending for this one, kids. I'm just surprised I could ever leave the house again.
Embarrassing Moment # 8- I left the house again.
Embarrassing Moment # 9- When I was like 11 years old and just learning to love masturbation, The Dukes of Hazzard was on and Daisy Duke was walking around in those tight little shorts of hers when I started noticing a little pre-pubescent excitement going on in my nether-regions. So, I began sort of, I don't know how to explain it, having sex with the floor. Hey! It was dry sex, everyone does it and I didn't even remove my clothes. What makes it embarrassing (other than admitting it to every person that reads this page) is that I didn't notice my grandma was standing behind me, watching me perform this "evil" act. "WHAT are you doing?" She nearly screamed. "This CAN'T go on in my house." I cried myself to sleep for weeks. I wish that damn Dukes of Hazzard never went on the air. Stupid confederate rednecks and their sexy women in really tight shorts.
Embarrassing Moment # 10- I wrote this "10 Most Embarrassing Moments in the Life of Alex Sandell" article for my page and, I couldn't even think of a tenth one.
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ALL embarrassing stuff ©1997 Alex Sandell cuz, I EARNED it. If you wanna talk about embarrassing stuff, go live the life, buddy.
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