Alex's Super Unprofessional Review and Plot Summary of the Series Premiere of Star Trek Enterprise
Poorly written by:  Alex Sandell

The show starts out with some kid making a model spaceship.  He's talking to his dad, who is the guy that co-invented the warp engine, or whatever, along with Farmer Hoggett, back in the movie, Star Trek:  First Contact. The kid is mad at the "pointy ears" (or some such slanderous slur toward Vulcans) for slowing down our first big stab at boldly going where no man has gone before.  The dad tells the kid that he doesn't know why the Vulcans do that, and then said his ship is big, or something.  Flash-forward thirty years to a cornfield in Oklahoma where a Klingon is being chased by a couple of weird aliens that we have never seen before.  The panicked Klingon runs into a silo, or whatever those big things that look like dildos for giants are called, and locks the door behind him.  The two alien things that we've never seen before are not so easily thwarted, and manage to melt and slide under the crack in the door.  The next thing we see, the Klingon jumps out of the top of the dildo, and there's a big explosion.  The entire time, a farmer looks on.  After that Jon Bon Jovi, or some other idiot, starts singing a pop song and the credits start.  I don't know why there's suddenly a pop song in a Star Trek show, but I guess that's what you get when you have the largest teenage population in the history of the world, and producers think that a large portion of that large teenage population like crappy pop songs that sound like outdated Bon Jovi.  The credits end and we go to a commercial, where we are reminded that, on October 2nd, Buffy lives.  I get pretty excited about that, and think it's funny when Buffy the Vampire Slayer's hand comes popping out of her grave and Xander says, "that's something you don't see every day . . . unless you're us."  I think Buffy's new season is gonna rule.  Other commercials come on, but I'm too busy calling up a friend of mine to ask if she just saw the Buffy ad.  She said she did, and she also thought it was cool, and that Buffy's new season is gonna rule.  I quickly got off the phone when I saw that Enterprise had started again, and got mad when I couldn't figure out where the pause button was on my new VCR that I got because the cable guy told me my bad cable picture was from my old VCR, even though it wasn't, and the picture is still bad.  Stupid cable.  Anyway, when we come back from the commercial, a group of Vulcans and humans are talking and the Klingon that was in the dildo is now lying, unconscious, on a medical table.  That guy from Quantum Leap comes in, and it turns out that he's also the guy that was a kid who was building the ship thirty years earlier, before Bon Jovi sung, and he's pissed that we are going to take the Klingon off life-support.  He is told that the Klingon race is one that is born to die in battle, and he would be shamed by his society if they saw that he had survived.  That guy from Quantum Leap, he plays Captain Archer in this show, says that he's going to assemble a team and go on the Enterprise and fly the Klingon back to his home world.  The Vulcans reluctantly agree when it appears that they have no choice, and the show is set in motion.  After a brief cameo from Famer Hoggett, reprising his role from First Contact, rather than his role in Babe, the Enterprise takes off.  We meet the crew.  It consists of a redneck sort of Tommy Lee Jones type who plays the new # 1.  Then there's this Vulcan chick that takes the place of 7 of 9, and is there to have big boobs, a skinny waste, and nicely curved ass.  Then there's a black guy so they can say they have a black guy.  And there's an Asian girl so they can say they have an Asian girl.  And then there's a big fat ass, so they can see they have a big fat ass.  Oh, wait, Star Trek hasn't gotten that PC yet.  Obesity is still taboo in the sci-fi universe, which is ironic, being that an obese crew member would be representative of about 97% of the people watching the show.  All of a sudden you see that Captain Archer, who used to be on Quantum Leap, and was a kid before Bon Jovi started singing, has a dog.  A DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  This is the coolest thing ever in human history!  The first Enterprise (the show is a prequel series, if you didn't know) had a canine aboard.  Good call, people that make Star Trek.  Dogs rule.  Anyway, I forget where we're at in the show, so I'll just skip some stuff, and go to a part that I remember.  Those weird aliens that were initially chasing the Klingon manage to get on the ship, and they crawl up walls, and stuff.  The power goes off, and the whole thing is actually kind of creepy.  When the lights come back on, the Klingon is gone.  We find out that the weird aliens are called the Suliban, and they're fighting this cold war through a timewarp.  It seems the galaxy is being manipulated by some guy that's in a big beam of light.  He reminds me of the king of the Locusts guy in the Bone comics, or maybe the Emperor in The Empire Strikes Back.  I'm guessing that, since he's from the "distant future," he'll be some guy from Star Trek:  The Next Generation (need a nifty cameo for sweeps).  I was also thinking that he could be Spock.  I don't know why, but if he was Spock, that would be funny.  It would be even more funny if he was a giant Tribble, and Captain Asher would say, "stupid stupid Tribble people!"  So the crew of the Enterprise go to this planet where women have three vaginas and do this weird semi-striptease where they dance around seductively and catch moths with their long lizard tongues.  It was pretty erotic, and it made me remember how long it's been since I've gotten a blowjob.  On this planet the crew meet up with lots of new aliens.  Us humans are reprimanded by the Vulcan chick with the big hooters for not "objectively understanding" other cultures, before "interfering" with them.  I thought this, along with the fact that the bad guys are the Suliban, which sounds just like Taliban, and the fact that they mention Klingons wanting nothing more than to die in a war, was eerily parallel to the tragic shit we've been going through here on earth, lately.  The reason the Enterprise people are on this planet is either because they think that Klingon would be there, or because this hot chick that kisses Captain Asher on the lips and then turns into an ugly freak would give them information.  I'm not sure which, cuz I was sort of caught up trying to figure out how Buffy is ever going to come back to life.  Captain Asher gets into a fistfight with some Suliban people, which was rad, being that it totally reminded me of all those fistfights Captain Kirk got himself into.  Then they go to their ship, and they get into a gun fight, where Asher has two handgun/laser things, and he uses them just like a cowboy in a western, and it's really cool.  Anyway, Asher gets shot, and that Vulcan with the big tits takes command of the ship, which pisses off that one Tommy Lee Jones guy.  They all get back to the ship, and the doctor, who reminds me too much of Neelix, says that that Vulcan with the big boobs and that Tommy Lee Jones guy have to get naked and rub oil all over themselves in a room that's lit up like a porno set.  It was seriously the cheesiest scene in Star Trek history, and I loved it.  The Tommy Lee Jones guy has an unmistakable boner, and that is a Star Trek first.  I mean, this guy is visibly pitching a tent.  You woulda thought they woulda reshot, but I guess they didn't notice, or they like their commanders hard, and ready for action, in this (slightly) new Star Trek universe.  The Vulcan with the monstrous melons is soooooooooooooooo hot in this scene.  The guy with the boner rubs his hand right over her ass crack, and it's very erotic, in a softcore, late-night on Cinemax, sorta way.  It was also the first time I felt myself getting a bit of a chubby over a Star Trek episode.  Gratuitous sex.  Harkens back to the old days of Trek, when that one guy whose autograph I have took his shirt off and played with a sword.  After the absolutely pointless nudity moment, Captain Asher awakens, finds out that the Vulcan who gave Tommy Lee Jones a boner took command of the ship, and figures they're headed back to earth.  He's amazed to find the Vulcan took the course of action she assumed he would (with possible exception to giving the boner thing), and is still going after the Klingon.  Captain Asher records a captain's log in tight biker shorts, revealing his package, and talks to his dog some.  He questions Vulcan loyalty, and the tightness of his damn shorts.  He's called to the bridge for some reason, and, for the life of me, I can't remember what.  They end up getting in a big fight with a bunch of balls, and then they capture a ball, and one of the Suliban people is ejaculated from the ball.  I fucking loved that scene.  Anyway, after the ejaculation thing, the episode starts getting pretty crappy.  The whole first 90 minutes were really fun.  A lot like the original series.  Overacting, cheesy dialogue, and everything you love to love about Star Trek.  It all beat the poop out of that pile of piss Star Trek:  Voyager, and the drab Deep Space Nine.  But, it has to go and implode in the last 30 minutes, when everyone is chasing everyone and they're fighting and they have to demagnetize the enemy balls, and all this stuff.  It's all too similar to the horrible Star Trek:  Insurrection, or any given episode of Star Trek:  Voyager. They finally get the Klingon, and return him home.  The Klingons find a message in his blood that reveals that the Suliban were setting the Klingons up to make war with each other.  The Enterprise crew leaves.  At the end, the Captain announces that they're not going home, after-all.  Their mission is to be extended, and they are to explore brave new worlds, etc..  He asks that Vulcan chick to be his Science officer, or something, and she agrees, and everyone is all happy, and they fly away.  I loved the first 90 minutes, and liked the last 30 slightly less than okay.  I guess my overall rating would be an 8 (out of 10).  The show is worth watching, if you like watching shows like the one that I just described.  I think it has all the potential to be right up there with the original series and The Next Generation (even though I don't really think it will ever truly reach "Next Generation" levels of televised greatness).

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2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  If you copy this, without my permission, I'll send Tommy Lee Jones's boner after you!