To my impatient, temperamental
A message from Your Savior, Alex Sandell
Here's a few things I thought that you should know:
1. I was wrongfully arrested and wrongfully committed as an in-patient at the end of last month, and have been dealing with a lot of emotional and legal issues since that time. You can read how it happened if you click here.
2. During the first week of March I came down with an ear-infection and some sort of flu that makes swallowing feel like three-thousand nails are being pounded into my eardrum all at once, and makes getting out of bed to sit up feel like I'm running a marathon, fucking two cows with mad-cow disease, coming down with a case of foot and mouth, and sitting through the four hour version of Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet, with a chaser of The English Patient (featuring all of the deleted scenes).
3. Two doctors have now looked into my ear (I go to a third next week), and have thought it was one of the worst, if not THEE worst ear-infection that they had ever seen. One put me on antibiotics that you swallow three times a day (and you remember what swallowing feels like). The other put me on antibiotics you drop into your ear. Both also recommended putting baby oil into my ear-canal, since, for some unknown reason, my ear isn't producing wax on its own.
4. As this goes on I still have to deal with all of the leftover shit I'm going through due to being wrongfully arrested and wrongfully committed.
5. I put a small update up on March 10th stating that I have an ear-infection, and that when the antibiotics finally kick in, I'll write the next chapter in the "abused by cops, become an in-patient" story. I also mentioned this cool update I had planned for the fourth anniversary of The Juicy Cerebellum.
6. Not only didn't the antibiotics work, they ended up making me all the more sick, and I couldn't get out of bed, much less write the huge update I had planned for year number 4.
7. Since some of you were worried about me, I put another small update up on the 23rd of March stating that the antibiotics didn't work, but I would have the new Academy Awards update up, come hell or high water (or even weird meat-related illnesses).
8. Even though I was feeling worse by the time Oscar Night came around, I managed to write the update. Trying to be funny, and write an update that lived up to my earlier Academy Award updates, was the hardest thing that I've had to do for this page. My eyes, which are also swollen and dry, due to this infection, watered continually, and my body ached so bad, sitting in this god-awful ergonomically correct chair, that I didn't feel like I was just running a marathon, fucking two cows with mad-cow disease, coming down with a case of foot and mouth disease and sitting through the four hour version of Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet, with a chaser of The English Patient (featuring the deleted scenes), I felt like I was doing it all while Richard Simmons was fucking me hard in the ass and Jenny Craig was probing my fat with weird medical instruments repeatedly saying, "and we could take off a little here."
9. After over 7 hours of typing, I finished the update and put it online. I asked, at the end, for feedback. My exact words were: "If I can stay up all night with the worst ear infection in history to write this update for you to read, the least you can do is send me some feedback." 22 people sent something in. Not a great number, but not bad, either. Unfortunately, only 5 of those 22 emails contained feedback on the update, the other 17 emails were there to BITCH AT ME FOR NOT WRITING BACK QUICK ENOUGH TO WHATEVER READER IT WAS THAT FELT SLIGHTED OVER THE FACT THAT THEY HADN'T GOTTEN AN EMAIL FROM ME DURING THE PAST FEW WEEKS. So, I never really got any feedback (outside of the 5 emails). The update, which I wrote for no one but YOU GUYS (I would have preferred simply going to bed), essentially got me nothing but chewed out. Here's one small example of one email I received (the deceptive subject line was "Oscar Feedback"): "If you're healthy enough to write an update you had the time to send me a response to my email from TWO FUCKING WEEKS AGO! You're a fucking asshole. Fuck you and your fucking feedback you wouldn't respond if I did send it." It's nice you readers think you know how much time I do and don't have to respond to trite emails. I haven't even responded to the GOOD emails people send me, much less the crap emails I was sent by people like this. I simply do NOT feel up to it. Writing an update every week or so is honestly too much, right now. Not to mention, if I get one more email from that Texan bragging about the sets he's been on and the exclusive screenings of films he's been to with the film's director attending, I'm going to blow a fucking gasket.
10. I am not responding to emails until I feel better. It's that simple. I love getting your mail, and I hope those of you (you know who you are) who have sent nice letters to me over the past month keep them coming. The rest of you, what do you expect? How do I respond to an email that says nothing other than, "your page made me fart"? Yes, the person that wrote that email was also the one that wrote the email I quoted above, chewing me out for not responding to this ludicrous "fart" comment. Well, as Steve Martin would say (if it was 1980) . . . excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!
11. This update isn't addressed to all of my readers. Most of you are cool (even if you are staying sort of silent, lately). I really do wish more of you would have sent me some feedback about my Academy Award update. You still can, if you want to (hint, hint). I realize that the whiny bitches visiting this page aren't in the majority, but, being that they're the ones basically clamping my ass to this seat and asking me to write them, I thought I'd kill about 50 freaks with one stone and put this all up here for them to read.
12. I really do plan on getting the next chapter up in my ongoing story of the in-patient hell that I went through. It only gets more interesting with every chapter. Hopefully within the next 3 or 4 days the update will be up. For now, you can start at the beginning and read it again, to refresh your memory.
13. You can also read my Academy update again and send some feedback, this time (did I say that already?).
14. I haven't been to my PO Box in nearly a month. If you have sent something there, I DO NOT KNOW if I have received it. It'd be nice to get there and see some "get well" cards, though. If you shoved some money in them, it would probably even help me "get well" faster. (I'd add a winky smiley face here, but I promised I'd never put another one of those on my page.)
15. Big tits are always going to be better looking than small ones, unless the lady gets old, and the big tits start sagging.
16. If you are looking at this update with anything but the Juicy ITC font, I feel for you.
17. Stay Juicy!
Send Alex any comments, questions or suggestions you may have. Don't hold your breath waiting for a response. Actually, those of you who keep whining at me, go ahead and hold your breath. Thanks.
©2001 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy this, without my permission, I'll sick 50 of my fans, Richard Simmons and Jenny Craig on your ass! (Plus, I'll give you my earache.)
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