The Way I Remember It
Written by: Alex Sandell
This month's topic: The ending of "My Girl"
"Put on his glasses, he can't see without his glasses! He wasn't a very good swimmer. You, you people were busy making love while my little boy drown!" That girl in "My Girl" screams out in front of a bunch of people coming to observe what Macaulay Culkin looks like dead. "Shut up, you bitch," Dan Aykroyd screams, "the little shit is dead, and you're doing the ending to 'Friday the 13th' part 1!" "He's not dead," that girl in "My Girl" continues, "he's just a has-been." "No, honey," returns Jamie Lee Curtis, "he's not a has-been, he played Michael Myers in the hit 'Halloween' sequel, 'H2O.' I was the star. Did you realize the first person to play Michael Myers, in part one, where I was also the star, had the last name 'Moran?' That sounds a lot like 'moron,' doesn't it? It was hard to be scared of a 'moron.' I have big boobs. They're fake. It's amazing I gave such a wonderful performance when I screamed a lot in the closet. Who else could scream at a moron like that? People called me a 'scream queen' being that I screamed so much in closets. I was in a lot of other movies with killers, and then James Cameron cast me opposite that strong guy in 'True Lies'." Quick change of scenes. "Weeping willow," the "My Girl" girl begins reading a poem in front of her creative writing class, "why do you weep? Is it because the bridges of Madison county were torn down and you miss Meryl Streep? Do me baby . . . do me now! Did you know I just had my period, and I'm only 11.5 years old? Anyone in here could knock me up! Do me now, pretend I'm Brittany Spears. She has fake tits and an ass to die for." "Brittany . . . er . . . I mean, girl from 'My Girl'," do you think just because Macaulay Culkin died, you can go pornographic?!?" The creative writing teacher the 'My Girl" girl wanted to marry, until she found out he has a girlfriend, yells. "Get out of that doggy position and get your clothes back on. We're aiming for a 'PG' rating here, not kiddie-porn. What do you think this is, Calvin Klein?" "Give me a break," the "My Girl" girl screeches back, "this is my only shot at acting. Sure, there'll be a crappy sequel, but I'll look tall and awkward, and the thing will totally bomb. That will be my last grasp at fame. Can't I have my moment?" "NO!," teacher guy replies, "I'm telling Dan Aykroyd!" "Life has gotten a little better since," the "My Girl" chick comments in her final voice-over, "father committed suicide and I've turned lesbian with Jamie Lee Curtis. Jason Voorhees does the killing and Mr. Myers takes care of the embalming. We're making a fortune, and the studio is talking about a part 3, even though I am nearly 20 years old."
Cue music: "I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day . . ."
©1999 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. "My Girl" and registered trademarks and stuff are copyright somebody else. Thanks for staying up for the ending.
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