Alex Asks Osama bin Laden
About The Brady Bunch
(and wonders what a dick's for)
Written by:  Alex Sandell


Osama bin Laden

Juicy Cerebellum (JC):  Is it correct that I am allowed only to ask you about The Brady Bunch?
Osama bin Laden (ObL):  Correct you are.  Me and the boys oftentimes joke that we are The Bombing Bunch.  It is not that funny, but it is something to pass the time as you wait for the virgins.  

JC:  It isn't funny at all.  I'm just glad you said it.  I wouldn't even think it. 
ObL:  Americans do not think.

JC:  We do not think much of you.  
ObL (irritated):  I've got someone coming to clean my cave at six.  Can we skip the marginally witty insults and get on with this?

JC (ignoring ObL's request):  How's that whole cave thing workin' for ya?
ObL: It is . . .

JC (interrupts):  Like, do you have bats, and stuff?  Is it the "Batcave"?  
ObL:  You are very annoying.

JC (ignoring Osama):  When the Taliban get in touch with you, do they use the Talisignal?  Do you have a Talimobile? 
ObL:  I know not of the American culture of sin.  I am not familiar with this "Batman" you speak of.  

JC:  I never said "Batman"!
ObL:  Indeed "Batman" you said.  

JC:  No, I said batcave.  You put everything together, and came up with "Batman."  Now you're trying to cover up your embarrassment by talking like Yoda.
ObL:  Do or do not, there is no try.

JC:  Hey, Osama, what's a dick for?
ObL:  What?

JC:  A "dick for", what's a dick for?  
ObL:  I do not know.  I give up.  

JC:  Wow, that was easy.  We were all getting into this big war, and everything.  
ObL (frustrated):  I do not "give up" give up, I give up on knowing what is a dick for.

JC:  You don't know what a dick's for?!?
ObL (blushing):  Your American jokes are not amusing.

JC:  Neither is your beard, but you don't see me handing you a razor.
ObL:  That did not even make sense.  I have had enough of this!  I came to talk of your Brady Bunch.  I will leave now.  

JC:  Okay, fine, we'll talk Brady.  Do you have The Brady Bunch over there in that country you reside in?  
ObL:  We do receive The Brady Bunch but only after we digitally add beards to the boys in the Bunch and veils to the girls.

JC:  Seems like that would take something away from the classic theme song, I mean, with the whole, "the youngest one in curls," etc..
ObL:  This is not true!  We change the song.  The girls now "all have veils of old, like their mother, the youngest one just twirled."

JC:  The youngest one just twirled?
ObL:  Rhyming is not our strong point.

JC:  Tell me your strong point, if you dare.
ObL:  I would say acts of senseless violence and prayer.

JC:  Ha!  You just rhymed!
ObL:  I did no such thing.

JC:  I said, "if you dare" and then you said, "violence and prayer."  "Dare" and "prayer."  You rhymed.
ObL:  What you say?  My English not good.  Need translator. 

JC:  So, who's your favorite Brady?
ObL:  Definitely Veiled Marcia.

JC:  This veil thing is just weird.
ObL:  It is modesty like your Catholic nuns.  Do you criticize your fellow Catholic nuns?

JC:  Uh, actually, Osama, I'm not a nun.  I'm not even Catholic.
ObL:  You had a flying nun, did your country not make the flighty nun woman a hit?

JC:  Yes, but, you see, she never flew into any towers. 
ObL:  She had bad aim, maybe?

JC:  More like, she probably had a conscience.
ObL (ignoring last statement):  You say you are fighting for freedom?

JC:  Yes.
ObL:  Is not your country run by corporations?  Was not your Bill Maher boycotted by Sears and Federal Express and Boston Market for saying something politically incorrect on a program called Politically Incorrect

JC:  Yes, but . . .
ObL:  THERE IS NO "BUT", STUPID AMERICAN!  YOU ARE CENSORED!  YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO WRITE UPDATES LIKE THIS, ANYMORE!

JC:  I can write whatever I . . .
ObL:  NOT ANYMORE!  NO LONGER CAN YOU WRITE A FAKE INTERVIEW WITH ME!  YOUR PRESIDENT BUSH'S PRESS SECRETARY MAN, ARI FLEISCHER, SAID ALL AMERICANS MUST WATCH WHAT THEY SAY!  YOU MUST ALL SACRIFICE YOUR FREEDOMS TO PURSUE YOUR FIGHT FOR FREEDOM!  I WOULD THINK THAT I ALREADY WON!

JC:  The irony is heavy, but I would think . . .
ObL:  YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO THINK, AMERICAN!  IT IS GONE!  HAVE YOU SEEN THE BILLS THAT ARE PASSING THE HOUSE AND SENATE AND BECOMING LAW?  HAVE YOU SEEN THE POWER THEY ARE GIVING THE PRESIDENT?  DO YOU NOT SEE THAT THERE IS NOTHING WRITTEN IN TO TAKE THE POWER AWAY WHEN IT IS NOT NEEDED? DO YOU SEE THE POWER IS NOT NEEDED EVEN NOW?  

JC:  But it said on the news . . .
ObL:  WHAT NEWS?  DO YOU NOT SEE YOU DO NOT GET "NEWS"?  YOU GET FLAGS.  YOU GET LOTS AND LOTS OF FLAGS.  YOU GET SMILING CORPORATE NEWSCASTERS READING CORPORATE APPROVED RHETORIC.  YOU GET DOCTORED POPULARITY POLLS.  YOU GET A WHITEHOUSE PRESS CORP. PLAYING SOFTBALL WITH A PRESIDENT WHO WAS APPOINTED, RATHER THAN ELECTED.  YOU GET NO NEWS.  NO ONE DARES SPEAK OUT.  YOUR GOVERNMENT TELLS YOU TO GO ON LIKE NORMAL OR THE TERRORISTS WIN AND THEN THEY TELL YOU TO WATCH WHAT YOU SAY.  

JC:  We haven't really gotten real news, in the mainstream media, for years.  I am the first to admit that, if the corporate media would have been more interested in reporting news than making a profit, we would not be in this mess, and you'd be a total nobody, you can read my "Better Ask The U.S. How To Make A Monster" update for more details, but I think we . . .
ObL:  YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO THINK, AND THAT WAS A HORRIBLE PLUG FOR A PAST UPDATE!  IT DIDN'T FLOW!  THIS INTERVIEW WITH ME, LIKE THE "BETTER ASK THE U.S. HOW TO MAKE A MONSTER" UPDATE BEFORE IT, WILL BRING YOU MUCH HARASSING EMAIL.  YOU WILL LOSE EVEN MORE PREVIOUSLY DEDICATED READERS OF THE JUICY CEREBELLUM!  THERE IS NO ROOM FOR DISSENT, EVEN AMONGST THE DISSIDENTS, WHEN A COUNTRY IS "UNITED."

JC:  United we stand . . .
ObL:  WHO IS "WE" AND HOW MUCH DID THEY PAY TO BECOME IT? 

JC:  Can you stop interrupting?  This is an imaginary interview, you're not even . . .
ObL:  I AM ONLY SAVING YOU FROM THE WRATH OF THIS NEW BRAND OF FREEDOM!

JC:  This is MY imagination!  This is MY . . .
ObL:  IMAGINATION?!?  IMAGINE YOURSELF A FLAG AND WAVE IT, YANKEE!  DO ANYTHING ELSE AND YOU WILL NOT FIT INTO THIS "NEW" AMERICA.  YOU WILL NOT BE A "PATRIOT"!  YOU WILL BE ASKED TO GO BACK TO RUSSIA! 

JC:  If you weren't going to let me talk, why did you bring me here?
ObL:  To talk of your The Brady Bunch.

JC:  And why The Brady Bunch?
ObL:  It was not me that allowed you to speak only of The Brady Bunch, it was the reaction.  It was the reaction of every American citizen who has decided to trade their voice for "victory."  The Brady Bunch is the last thing "safe" enough for your new America to talk of.  Land of the free, indeed.  

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