If Microsoft were honest, press release, number 1:
Microsoft Vows to Keep Up Its Cutthroat Tactics
1:43 A.M. October 21st, 1997
In response to the October 20th Justice Department action, Microsoft Corp. announced that it will vehemently defend its current practice of ripping off its customers. "Thanks to Microsoft," Bill Gates said, in response to the Justice Department action, "I can be a big nerd, and still get laid. Shit, I betcha I get more chicks than that Janet Reno lady." No one could quite figure out what relevance this comment had, but we all let it pass, since Bill Gates is really fucking rich.
The Justice Department filed a motion today in Federal District Court, claiming that Microsoft had violated a 1994 consent decree dealing with certain aspects of licensing the Windows operating system to computer manufacturers. "It's all true," said William H. Neukom, Microsoft's Senior Vice President for Law and Corporate Affairs, "Microsoft is robbing the world blind. You couldn't find a bigger criminal, if you tried -- not even on death row. We are operating in a completely unlawful manner. We suck, but at least Bill Gates is getting laid."
"A fundamental principle at Microsoft is to insure that we keep total control of computer operating systems," said a scantily clad Bill Gates, while downing a "blowjob," "no one can stop us. Not the people. Not the Government. Not even the Lord. We are maintaining our monopoly through manipulation, power, and lots of fucking money. More money than any of you will ever have. I could buy your wife. I could buy your husband. I could buy your children. I could buy you. I'm hoping that, one day, after this life, I can buy my way out of Hell." In response, a chuckling William H. Neukom said, "we'll have to wait and see on that one."
-Juicy Cerebellum Press Syndicate
Microsoft and all related properties are completely full of shit. The rest of this article is ©1997, Alex Sandell.
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