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Free stuff people send me to spray my Juice on
Written by:  Alex Sandell

Free Thing # 3

"We're professional punkers, we come from the suburbs, after 15 years, we're still having fun."

Pump Up the Valuum

I guess word gets around fast in the music industry.  About 2 or 3 days after putting up my review for the new Alice Cooper CD, where I pointed out that I sort of grew out of metal about 12 years ago (although some of it is still pretty okay), and into punk rock, folk and rap (in that order), I received a copy of the new NOFX CD, "Pump Up the Valuum"Being that I kind of sort of think NOFX embodies everything that punk isn't (bitching about MTV when they're being played on Much Music, complaining about major labels, when a major label distributes them in foreign countries, whining about corporations, when they headline the extremely corporate - at least corporate sponsored - Warped Tour, charging about 10 times too much for their concert tickets, selling their T-Shirt through TICKETMASTER, the most evil company in the world, etc., etc.) , I wasn't too enthused about promoting this thing, by giving it a review.  Being that I became a bit of a NOFX fan back in 1989, before most of their current fans even knew how to walk, when I bought "S&M Airlines" for a whopping $6.00 from the band, at a $5.00 show, and became a HUGE fan when "Ribbed" was released in 1990 ($5.00, on LP - those were the days), I figured this album would most likely get a good review from me (the only NOFX CD I've really hated, since S&M, was "Heavy Petting Zoo", and even that had a couple good songs).  A good review may make even more people buy this CD.  I don't want that.  But, fair is fair, and I said I'd review anything anyone sends me for free, so, here it is, song by song; my non-biased (really!) review of the new NOFX CD:

And Now For Something Completely Similar:
"Hello, and welcome to our CD . . ."  This is just like a minute long intro. song about how similar this CD sounds to everything else they put out.  I thought it was pretty funny, until I realized how honest they were being.  

5 (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best.  And, if you didn't know that 10 is the best, you should probably go shoot yourself.)

Take Two Placebos And Call Me Lame:
"You don't get to magnify my insecurities - NO FUCKING WAY!  My oversized hat, won't fit your humungous head."  Outside of the fact that it sounds EXACTLY like another NOFX song that I can't put my finger on, it's pretty good.  Catchy, and fairly fast.  


What's The Matter With Parent's Today?:
"Mom and dad, I think you ought to quit smokin' so much pot, and hangin' with my friends."  I'd give this song a fairly good rating, just for the premise, even if the music totally blew.  I can't stand druggie/alcoholic parents.  If you're gonna pop out the puppies, you're basically signing your "hipness" away to play "parent" responsibly.  I know one too many fucked up moms and dads, and even more kids that are all fucked up because of them.  Are we going to make it against the law for idiots to reproduce, pretty soon?  The music, once again, is pretty typical, "been there, done that" type stuff.  Coulda been better, but coulda also been a hell of a lot worse.


Dinosaurs Will Die:

"Dinosaurs will slowly die, and I do believe no one will cry, I'm just fuckin' glad I'm gonna be there to watch it fall."  I totally LOVE these lyrics, as hypocritical as they may be.  It's all about the shitty major labels ("dinosaurs") and how they're destroying themselves with their greed.  This would be better coming from a band that I didn't consider just about as bad as the labels and bands that the band is bitching about, but it's still damn good, either way.  Not to mention, the music is really cool.  I get all gooey over the "this is not a test" introduction.


Thank God It's Monday:

"I wake up when I want to.  I do anything I wanna do.  I can't wait for Tuesday!"  This song just sticks it in the face of every poor bastard that actually has to get up in the morning and work.  I LOVE it.  Best song on the CD.  Happy, snappy, bouncy and more fun than any song really deserves to be.  If you disagree, I'll report you to your manager.


Clams Have Feelings Too (Actually They Don't):

"They have no face, no place for ears.  There's no clam eyes, to cry clam tears.  No spinal cord, they must get bored - might as well just put 'em out of misery."  This song is stupid.  It's like that "Vegetarian Mumbo-Jumbo/Shut Up Already" song they did on that crappy debut record back when Fat Mike screamed a lot and sounded like he was auditioning for Korn, only this one has been updated to suit Mike's current eating patterns.  So he no longer eats meat, and now HE'S bitching about people that DO eat meat, yet he eats seafood, so he is also bitching at the people bitching at him for eating a clam.  What a dork.  To quote the man himself, way back in '88, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, ALREADY!"



"You better lick my puss and asshole clean.  Treat my clit like bubble gum.  Bitch, make me cum!"  Good ol' lesbian Louise is back for her most perverted go around yet.  We all know that "Liza and Louise" will NEVER be topped "I want you to fist me!", but this has those neat dirty lyrics that make me say, "neat, those lyrics are dirty."  The music is a little bland and without much of a chorus, though.


Stranger Than Fishin:

"I ain't no musician - Some things are stranger than fishin'.  Never trust a hippy, they'll sell you bad drugs."  This song starts out being about how it's weird that NOFX got so big, when they weren't really musicians in the first place.  Then it gets like totally fucking hardcore, and they scream and yell about a bunch of stuff like drugs.  There's a hilarious break with what is (intentionally) the worst guitar solo in history.  I like hilarious things.  I like hard, fast punk.  This song passes the test that things pass when they are good.  


Pharmacist's Daughter:

"She got my love.  I get her drugs."  Mike's in love with a Pharmacist's daughter, and writes really predictable, crappy lyrics about it.  Then he sings them in a crappy song that, for some reason, I think most people are going to love.  The only thing good about it is that it brings up one of the meds I'm on for my seizures.  Now I feel famous.  Yippee.


Bottles To The Ground:

"One more round, then it's bottles to the ground."  Help me figure this out, once and for all:  did Fat Mike quit drinking, or not?  I read that he did, and he had that song about life being boring without the drink on the "So Long" CD, so I know he stopped for a while.  Is he off or on that proverbial wagon?  Anyone know?  This song starts out like a bad heavy metal song, and gets even worse.  Total worthless shit.  Don't even listen to it, it may melt your brain.  Don't say I didn't warn you.


Total Bummer:

"All the horny people sit in front of their tv and thinkin', 'what is wrong with me?  I'm not a monster.  Why won't anybody fuck me?  I don't wanna live life lonely.  Why does everyone have to be perfect?'"  This is a really good song.  Fat Mike finally gets serious, and it pays off.  Outside of the really shitty pop-rock break, this song is perfect.  


My Vagina:

"My vagina has two sets of lips.  But I don't get monthly blood drips.  My vagina, hardly even used.  My vagina's got lots of extra skin.  They took my 'outty' and made it an 'in.'"  The lyrics are self-explanatory.  I have NO IDEA how to spell "outty."  Is it "outty" or "outtie?"  Ah, fuck it - it's not a real word anyway.  This song has pretty funny, nasty lyrics, but the music is kind of boring, due to the fact that it's really slow and has no chorus, which seems to be a theme with this record (the "no chorus" thing).  



"The only real drug problem is scoring real good drugs."  This song is in support of legalizing drugs.  That's cool.  Drugs should be legal.  Illegal drugs just cause unnecessary deaths.  Drugs in general cause unnecessary deaths, too, but at least little kids wouldn't get their heads blown off by being caught in the middle of a couple of dealer's crossfire, if junkies could get their fix over at Wal-Mart.  The music is cool but, THE DAMN THING DOESN'T HAVE A FUCKING CHORUS!  What the hell is wrong with Fat Mike?  Did he forget people like things to sing along to?  Jeesh, at least give us a bridge, or SOMETHING.  


Theme From A NOFX Album:

"We're professional punkers, we come from the suburbs, after 15 years, we're still having fun.  Now we're over 30, not looking so pretty - at least we got a beat up accordion."  Second best song on the CD, and the only song that made me actually laugh, rather than just sort of grin, stupidly.  Totally hilarious.  Funny ass polka type start leads into funny ass hardcore like finish.  Ending CD on a good note is a smart idea.  Makes people think they like the record more than they actually do.  Nice thinking, Mike.


OVERALL RATING - NOFX's "Pump Up the Valuum" gets 6.14 Juicy squirts out of a possible 10.9 ejaculations.   It's a little bit worse than "So Long . . . and thanks for all the shoes" which was a lot better than "Heavy Petting Zoo" which still doesn't make it nearly as good as "Punk In Drublic" which was already a HUGE disappointment in comparison to "White Trash Two Heebs & A Bean", which is the best NOFX album ever, even though "Longest Line" and "Ribbed" are also excellent, and nearly tie "White Trash" as the greatest, leaving "S&M Airlines" a little bit boring, and "Liberal Animation" fucking awful.  What I'm trying to say is, if you're a big NOFX fan, this album won't disappoint you, but it won't have you screaming for more, either.  It's just kind of there for no reason.  It doesn't help their collection, and doesn't hurt it, it just makes the collection bigger.  Neat. 

MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND - Click below to order the CD today!


HEY!!!  Do you have something to promote?  I'll review ANYTHING.  Fanzines, magazines, CDs, DVDs, videos, toys, comic books, novels, nude photographs; whatever you send me, I'll review it!  I can't promise a GOOD review, since some of the things you send me will indefinitely suck shit, but I CAN promise a review, and an address where a person can find the thing I'm reviewing.  Even if I hate the damn thing, you're still getting free promotion (if it's good enough for NOFX, damnit, it's good enough for you!)!  It doesn't even have to be a product that you're involved with!  If you've got something you'd like on The Juicy Cerebellum, send it to:

Alex Sandell
3613 Columbus Avenue
Minneapolis, MN 55407

Email me, bitch!

My review of Alice Cooper's "Brutal Planet" CD
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Everything outside of the NOFX album cover and NOFX lyrics are 2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and you'll be the last one in the pit, and then you'll die there, and I'll laugh!