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Free stuff people send me to spray my Juice on
Written by:  Alex Sandell

Free Thing # 4

"Just a copy of an imitation."
Marilyn Manson:


Holy Wood

Someone sent me this CD the day of its release, and begged me to review it.  Being that I try to review everything anyone sends me, I figured I would play the "GOOD GAWD IT CAN'T BE" 19 songs and type out some opinions.  I've never really liked or disliked Marilyn Manson.  They're just sort of there, trying to be all scary, like KISS.  Neither band frightens me much.  Manson's first record has some fairly energetic neat-o songs, but their last full-length, I think it was called Mechanical Animals was a big messy, wanna-be pile of neo-Goth poo that would bore even the most ardent fan of all things black and, uh . . . "gothy."  Now that I put it that way, I guess I have actually "disliked" Marilyn Manson, although it still holds true that I never really liked them.  The thought of trudging through 19 songs by this band, after that last failed "epic" had me heaving chunks in a way gruesome enough that it could be filmed and featured in the next "soon-to-be-banned" Manson video.  Nevertheless, here I am, 18 days later (it took a while . . . sue me), having completed the entire CD, and ready with the results. (Ironically enough, during the typing of this intro., I was informed that one of the most vile, paranoid and hypocritical groups to ever fight under the "Jesus" banner has officially "condemned" the CD.  Who, you ask?  Why, none other than that good 'ol Catholic League who I've been slamming on this page for over three years.  Now I feel like I should listen to the CD again, and give everything a better rating.)    

Godeatgod:
"Dear god if you were alive you know we'd kill you".  The CD isn't off to a good start.  A bunch of distorted guitars and scary sound effects.  Marilyn Manson tries to sound all foreboding and evil.  How can anyone buy into this shit?  Well, anyone other than The Catholic League?  Really slow and gothic, like that shit-pile Mechanical Animals.

2 (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best.  And, if you didn't know that 10 is the best, you should probably go shoot yourself.)

The Love Song:
"She tells me I'm a pretty bullet an Imitation Christ".  This song's about being in love with a gun and America and stuff.  It has a sort of slow, "it's-gonna-get-intense-in-the-chorus" style.  Sure enough, Marilyn starts screaming with that "jump around your microphone stand and make faces" attitude in the chorus, then it slows down again.  It's okay, but only if you like songs that aren't really that good. 

4

The Fight Song:
"I'm not a slave to a god that doesn't exist. But I'm not a slave to a world that doesn't give a shit."  Isn't this the last song with different lyrics?

4

Disposable Teens:
"I wanna thank you mom I wanna thank you dad for bringing this fucking world to a bitter end".  This is the single, and the song that played over the opening credits of The Blair Witch Project 2, which seems to be the only movie in history that was liked solely by me.  Once again, Manson picks the best song on the entire album as the first single.  Even though it sort of sounds like "Beautiful People", it is still nearly perfect, and if you don't like it, you must be dead . . . or Catholic.

10

Target Audience (Narcissus Narcosis):
"You're just a copy of an imitation".  I selected these lyrics just to pose the theory I came up with, that Manson must be writing about himself.  Manson is like Cheerios with "the same great taste," but "a brand new box!"  This song is identical to songs number 2 and 3, except it's even longer, slightly slower, and more boring.

2

President Dead:
"Incubated and jet set the bitter thinkers buy their tickets to go find god like a piggy in a fair".  This song is identical to songs number 2 and 3 and 5, except it's a bit better cuz things that sound like girls sing a little in it, adding about 1.2 seconds of variety.

4

In the Shadow of the Valley of Death:
"Sometimes I feel so worthless. Sometimes I feel discarded. I wish that I was good enough then I'd know that I am not alone." More Haunted House sound effects and then an acoustic guitar, and Manson pretending that he can actually sing.  Very, VERY Mechanical Animals sounding, if Mechanical Animals was a Garth Brooks record.  This is one of the worst songs that I've ever heard.  

1

Cruci-Fiction in Space:
"We are dead and tomorrow's canceled because of things we did yesterday".  The lyrics in this song are the most moronic things that I've heard since Alice Cooper sang "Thrill my Gorilla".  The song itself isn't much better.  Think songs 2, 3 and 5 mixed together with a little of that "Garth Manson" tune that I just reviewed.

2

A Place in the Dirt:
"Put me in the motorcade. Put me in the death parade. Dress me up and make me your dying god".  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! No, seriously:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

1

The Nobodies:
"Some children died the other day we fed machines and then we prayed puked up and down in morbid faith you should have seen the ratings that day".  At least he didn't do something dorky like use the word "day" twice in one sentence.  Think songs 2, 3 and 5.

2

The Death Song:
"We write our prayers on a little bomb kiss it on the face and send it to god".  I can't rate this song, cuz there's a big skip on the CD, and I can't really hear it.  I'm sure it sounded NOTHING like songs 2, 3, 5 and 10.

?

The Lamb of God:
"If you die when there's no one watching your ratings drop and you're forgotten. If they kill you on their TV you're a martyr and a lamb of god".  The song is utter and total boring gothic shit, but the lyrics are kind of cool, so I'll give it a three.

3

Born Again:
"The Valley of the dolls is the valley of the dead".  HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THIS GUY NEEDS TO COME UP WITH MORE THAN ONE IDEA FOR A SONG!  Imagine songs number 2, 3, 5, 10 and probably 11.  I sort of like how the guitar goes "ra-whoo."

3

Burning Flag:
"Let's hear it for the kids but nothing they say they gyrate and G-rate on Election Day".  This one moves at a pace that will probably have most of those dreaded blob of shit goths melting into big black puddles of slow-moving sludge, which those of us in the land of the living can jump on and make neat-o goth puddles with.  Maybe they will also fuel our cars and solve the energy crisis!  The lyrics, as evidenced by the quote I used, are also top-notch.  Finally, a song you can do more than slowly rock back and forth to while pretending to hate your life.

10

Coma Black:
"I'd kill myself to make everybody pay".  Horrible rotten pile of poop.

1

Valentine's Day:
"slit our wrists and send us to heaven".  See above.

1

The Fall of Adam:
"The Abraham Lincoln town cars arrive to dispose of our king and queen".  I think they're trying to be Pink Floyd, or something.  A really, really bad Pink Floyd.  A super terrible version of Pink Floyd.  Actually, it's not really so much Pink Floyd, more just something totally sucky.

1

King Hill 33:
"I have to show you that you played a role and I will destroy you with one simple hole. And I am not sorry, this is what you deserve".  This song goes straight to the heart of the Columbine tragedy and portrays the shooters as victims.  That will probably make people get mad.  People get mad pretty easy when they feel like they're supposed to.  It's too bad the song is really lame and repetitive.   

3

Count to Six and Die (The Vacuum of Infinite Space Encompassing):
"I've got an angel in the lobby, he's waiting to put me in line. I won't ask forgiveness my faith has gone dry".  The last part of the title sounds like a role-player came up with it, or something.  If not a role-player, someone as nerdy as a role-player that just hasn't been introduced to role-playing yet.  The song itself is as boring as a good game of D&D.  A good game of D&D is pretty fucking boring.

1

OVERALL RATING - Marilyn Manson's "Holy Wood" gets 3.06 Juicy squirts out of a possible 10.9 ejaculations.   I was actually shocked that it sucked worse than the very sucky Mechanical Animals.  The only way I'd recommend getting it is if you got it for free and were never going to listen to it.  

MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND - Order the CD today!

HEY!!!  Do you have something to promote?  I'll review ANYTHING (if it's not an audio cassette).  Fanzines, magazines, CDs, DVDs, videos, toys, comic books, novels, nude photographs; whatever you send me, I'll review it!  I can't promise a GOOD review, since some of the things you send me will indefinitely suck shit, but I CAN promise a review, and an address where a person can find the thing I'm reviewing.  Even if I hate the damn thing, you're still getting free promotion (if it's good enough for Marilyn Manson, damn it, it's good enough for you!)!  It doesn't even have to be a product that you're involved with!  If you've got something you'd like on The Juicy Cerebellum, send it to:

Alex Sandell
3613 Columbus Avenue
Minneapolis, MN 55407

Email me, bitch!

My review of NOFX's "Pump up the Valuum" CD
My review of Alice Cooper's "Brutal Planet" CD

My review of Migraine's "Live at CBGB's" CD

Back to The Juicy Cerebellum!

Everything outside of the Marilyn Manson album cover and MM lyrics are 2000 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll turn you into a Goth and make sure you're stuck that way for life!  Eighty-year-old Goths are even dumber looking than the 15-year-old versions.  I'm warning you!!!