Alex Sandell reviews The Eyes of Alice Cooper (and wonders if that means he's gay)

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"I burned all my porno - 'cause you were PMS'n. Dumped all my girlfriends - Even the dead ones."
Alice Cooper:

The Eyes of Alice Cooper

What Do You Want From Me?:
"I burned all my porno - 'cause you were PMS'n. Dumped all my girlfriends - Even the dead ones." That line alone makes this song a keeper. You see, before you were likely born, Alice Cooper was the king of shock, the absolute total sleaze-master. He was the dude that Marilyn Manson, KISS and Eminem still wish they were. In those days, before he became a celebrity golfer and Hollywood Squares' champion, he had a lot of songs about fucking dead chicks. He even talked about being in love with them. It was like a necro-fest in the 1970s, for Alice. Unfortunately, this song isn't all about doing it with corpses, and it treads over the line of being "hip" for the sake of being hip. When Cooper talks about disconnecting his Xbox, it made me giggle - in a not so happy giggly way. If Alice Cooper is an avid Xbox fan, I'll dig up my dead grandmother and give her a big smack on the lips. Still, more often than not, the lyrics are hilarious - in a good way. The song itself is sorta catchy and cool, but the chorus is nerdy. You can tell that Alice overdubbed this bastard until his voice sounded like it did in the 70s, and his strong vocals come through like they did in the golden days, when Alice Cooper outshocked Eminem 7 damn days a week.

9 (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best. And, if you didn't know that 10 is the best, you should probably go blow your brains out.)

Between High School And Old School:
"I'm stuck somewhere between high school and old school. I can't decide between my rules and your rules" Yeah, whatever. These lyrics suck. Alice Cooper is one of the best rock lyricists alive, but sometimes he farts out a "Thrill my Gorilla." This is as dorky as that, but it sounds a little bit better. I can't help feeling like it's a rip-off of that song in the movie Grease that says "tell me more, tell me more" and other junk. It's short, and to the point, but I'm just not too excited about it.

Man Of The Year:
"The queen made me a knight. The pope made me a saint. The president plays golf with me. I make Madonna faint. So why am I so lonely. depressed and in despair? If I pull this trigger in my mouth will anybody care?" On a lyrical level, this reminds me of the song "Give it Up" from the album Constrictor. Musically, this is the most "classic" sounding Alice song in decades. The song is so close to his stuff from the 1970s, it makes me wanna jump up and masturbate. Still, his voice is a little too clean. It's obvious that he's trying to be The White Stripes. But, then again, The White Stripes are trying to be Alice Cooper. And they don't do a very good job at it, either. It's nice to hear that Alice still has the ability to write a handful of decent lyrics and rock like it's 1975!

Novocaine:
"I slap my face, I pull my hair - just to see if something's there. It should hurt like hell. I miss the pinch, I miss the pain - that shock sensation in my brain." For some reason the lyrics sorta remind me of the song "Poison" in reverse. I hated that damn song. That was Cooper's ultimate sellout. Of course MTV played the shit out of it, being that they love when artists sell their souls to corporations. But that was in the 80s, and I need to get over it. Musically, this song is like taking ecstasy and making passionate love to your high-school crush at your ten-year reunion. You can't believe it's finally happening, and it feels so friggin' good. This sounds like the spirit of Alice's early guitarist, Glenn Buxton came back to life and played a few licks. And this song makes me miss him. He was a subtle but excellent guitarist. This song brings him to life. The lyrics drop it a notch, but the music is perfect. Thanks Glenn, for giving some other dude such a cool style to cop.

Bye Bye, Baby:
"I tried to reach you on your private line- you sure ain't calling mine. Now I'm sittin' here all alone with a broken heart in three time zones." Again, Alice disappoints with the lyrics. Maybe he really is getting too old to keep this shock rock gig going. Then again, his new stuff beats the shit out of the new crap squeezed out by The Rolling Stones. That was a weird comparison, wasn't it? Like apples and oranges. Anyway, the spirit of Buxton is heard even louder in this song than it was in the last. Too bad Alice keeps writing lyrics about some fictional chick he broke up with, when, in reality, he's been with the same woman for years. The horns (or the facsimile of horns) is very classic Alice, tho. The chorus sounds 80s enough to nearly wreck the entire song. If you had to compare this tune to any other, it would be to anything off of Muscle of Love, outside of the really, really good songs on Muscle of Love.

Be With You Awhile:
"I just want to take you somewhere you haven't been, find an old time movie where we don't know the end. Just wanna be that someone you weren't looking for, some nameless fascination that showed up at your door." A lot of people are going to say this is yet another variation of "Only Women Bleed." To the diehard Alice fan, it isn't. This is a variation of the 1977 song, "You and Me." When I was very young (about 14), a good friend of mine described that song as "beautiful." We were both floating out in a lake at about 2 in the morning. I think he was punch-drunk, because we didn't drop the word "beautiful" very often, back in those days. So, if you're punch-drunk, you might dig this number. If not, it's pretty mediocre. And that friend turned out to be a pussy-whipped dick, anyway (with a manipulative liar for a dominatrix). I guess it goes to show...

Detroit City:
"Me and Iggy were giggin' with Ziggy and kickin' with the MC5. Ted and Seger were burnin' with fever, and let the Silver bullets fly. The Kid was in his crib, shady wore a bib and the posse wasn't even alive." A nostalgia trip similar to 1978's self-titled tune, From the Inside. Only, instead of talking about what a soak he was, Alice is bragging about how he was shock-rock and super cool before anyone else. He's not entirely wrong, but there's really no need to brag about it. It's ironic that there's nothing lyrically shocking on his new CD. Maybe he shoulda taken some lyrical advice from Kid Rock, Insane Clown Posse and Slim Shady. Plus, I'm guessing Alice will die playing golf in Arizona, rather than rocking out in Detroit. The catchy ass beats make up for the hypocrisy.

Spirits Rebellious:
"It's a hard, hard world with a black corroded heart. There's a livin', breathin' devil trying to tear my soul apart" Yeppers. This song is another one written to prove that Alice is still a big rebel. Too bad the portion I quote is about as "controversial" as the lyrics get. This song is straight off of "Constrictor." And it sucks. Really bad. The guitar kinda reminds me of a more mellow version of the guitar on that "Twist of Cain" (or whatever it was called) song by Danzig.

This House Is Haunted:
"No more singing, no more laughing, no more sunny days. She left and took the colors with her, buried in her grave. This is where we climbed the tower, this is where she fell. Then when her young heart stopped beating, I went to hell" Again, the lyrics aren't up to par, but this song is so damn excellent, it makes me go, "this song is so damn excellent!" And then I dance around naked and pee on the floor. It's a lonely tune. Very reminiscent of "Steven." If you don't like it, you don't get it. That means you're stupid. But the lyrics still drop it a notch, and I'm getting sick of that.

Love Should Never Feel Like This:
"Walk in the bathroom and I take a deep breath. Look in the mirror and it scares me to death. Look like a junkie that's been strung out on meth - Since I met you.'" People claiming to be in love are stupid. Love is nothing but pain. It eventually moves past pain and into boredom. Love is a stupid teenage wet-dream. And the lyrics to this song aren't much better (than a stupid teenage wet-dream). Alice is sucking hard lyrically, this CD. The music is nasty. It sound like a Bon Jovi song. That isn't a compliment. This may be the worst "music" Alice Cooper ever put his voice on top of. After listening to it, I wanna call him "Alice Pooper." Actually, the song isn't that horrible. It's the chorus. The chorus is terrible rotten.

The Song That Didn't Rhyme:
"The lyrics don't flow but I can't get it out of my mind. A three minute waste of your time. No redeeming value of any kind. But thanks for the twelve ninety nine. On a song that didn't rhyme." I didn't pay a dime for this record, so Alice can mock me all he wants and I can just spit in his face when I see him at the next celebrity golf tournament. That's how rebellious I am. I might even give him the finger when I go see him in concert. What's weird, is that this song about a song sucking is fucking great. Plus, Alice's trademark wit is back in full-force. It's one of those non-ballad kind of ballads that remind you how good ballads that aren't really ballads can be. Did that make sense? This is gonna be "Alex Sandell's favorite song of the year" for 2003, almost guaranteed.

I'm So Angry:
"I'm so crazy I used to be so cool, now I'm just your little fool." I'm so angry that Alice Cooper vomited out his most idiotic lyrics, yet. What is this crap? Rhyming "cool" with "fool?" It's been done, son. Better run. This song is no fun. Sounds like something from 1991. At least the music's fast and crunchy. Probably the heaviest song on the album. Well, except the wimpy chorus.

Backyard Brawl:
"Got a cut on my thigh, got a nail in my eye, and I'm bleedin' all over the wall. Got a barbed wire bat and a dude on the mat." When I first heard these lyrics, I thought Alice had gone psycho and shock-rock again. To my extreme displeasure, it's like the anthem to Fight Club. And when the band sings "Backyard Brawl" it sounds so dorky I literally puked. It wasn't the 10 beers I drank... it was the chorus. This song actually sounds like the aforementioned "Thrill My Gorilla." And the fact that Cooper CENSORED the swear words in the song shows that he's too fucking old for this rock 'n roll game. Okay, this really is the heaviest song on the album. The music makes you wanna bang your head, and stuff.

OVERALL RATING - Alice Cooper's The Eyes of Alice Cooper gets an average of 6.23 Juicy squirts out of a possible 10 ejaculations. That's quite a bit better than the 5.83 squirts that the fairly nauseating DragonTown received, but still doesn't reach the greatness of Alice's real comeback, Brutal Planet. Naive critics too young to know their heads from their asses are saying this is a return to Alice's roots. It's not. Half of it sounds like he's returning to his 1980's crap-fest. Only two or three songs sound like the old Alice. It's not a bad CD, but I'd look in the used record bin before buying this one at full price.

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Everything outside of the The War on Errorism album cover, and quoted lyrics, are copyright �2003 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this, without my permission, and I'll follow you to work and rip loud farts.

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