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Free stuff people send me to spray my Juice on
Written by:  Alex Sandell

Free Thing # 11

"In football the quarterback yells out 'hutt-hutt,' while he reaches in another grown man's ass, grabs on his nuts, but just what if it was never meant, it was just an accident? He tripped, fell, slipped and his penis went in his teeny tiny little round hinny, but his little weenie flinched just a little bit. What if he pictured it as a female's butt? Is that gay?"   


Since starring in the overrated 8 Mile and recording 4 or 5 songs for the overrated soundtrack to 8 Mile, Eminem has been busy trying to convince everyone that he hasn't gone soft.  Releasing a profanity-free dance song with fart jokes and an obnoxious Pee Wee Herman laugh, as his first single for Encore, didn't help much.  Quick with the damage control, Em released the harder anti-Bush tirade, "Mosh."  The single was much better, said the word "fuck" one time and gave fans hope.  Will they be let down?  Let's find out in the trademark Juicy Cerebellum analysis of each song (I'm not counting the dumbass skits, since, unlike on his first three records, none of them are that funny):

Evil Deeds:
"There goes poor Marshall again, whining about his millions and his fortune and his sorrow heís always drowning in and the dad that he never had and how his childhood was so bad and how mom was a dope addict and his ex how they go at it." With "White America," "Kill You" and "My Name Is," Eminem proved, three times over, that he knew how to start a CD off on the right foot. Y'know, Marshall has a point with the lyrics to this song.  Unfortunately, throughout most of the CD he whines about the same things he did on his first 3 albums, only now in a more timid, less angry manner.  Marshall's past pain used to make for great entertainment (and he would "murder" the people he was rapping about, in a manner that would make Jason Voorhees proud -- now he simply scolds them and makes jokes about bodily functions).  Listening to Marshall on this CD sounds a lot like listening to somebody droning on about their horrible past to Dr. Phil.  The song itself sounds like watered-down rap off of The Slim Shady LP.  Still, I can't get the fucking chorus out of my head.  And I love that "head pops off" echo thingie. 

7 (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best.  And, if you didn't know that 10 is the best, you should probably go blow your brains out.)

Never Enough:
"Sooner or later you haters are all gonna face me, and when you face me with all the shit you've been saving to say to me.
You had all this time to think about it, now don't pussy out and try to wimp out, face me."  Alright Em, you name the place and time and I'll be there.  It ain't the "haters who have "pussied" out, bub.  It's YOU, as an artist.  You're a fucking shadow of yourself.  If I met you, all I'd ask you is where the fire went.  Where's the anger?  Why is every single song on this record, with exception made for "Mosh" and "Mockingbird" either pop-rock or club music?  Is the "hardcore gansta" you pretended to be dead, E?  Replaced by some mumbling moron making jokes about passing gas?  And enough with the 50 Cent.  What are you givin' him half the song for?  Are you telling me you can't even think up two decent verses, on your own?  Oh, and the chorus to this song blows. 
Not in a good way.


Yellow Brick Road:
"The bombest god damn girl in our whole school if I could pull it. Not only would I become more popular but I would be able to piss Kim off at the same time. But it backfired I was supposed to dump her but she dumped me for this black guy
And that's the last I ever seen or heard or spoke to the foolish pride girl. But I've heard people say they heard the tape and it ain't that bad. But it was, I singled out a whole race and for that apologize. I was wrong cuz no matter what color a girl is she still a bitch."  I was wondering if Em would address this whole issue of the rap track found where he advised his listeners to "never date a black chick."  I'm glad he addressed the issue, actually.  It was a stupid thing for him to do and it's nice to see he has the balls to apologize.  The song is pretty good and, for the first time, the chorus doesn't sound like something off of a fucking Britney Spears' record.  That anger Emimen used to have, the Slim Shady part of the guy, is still missing.  He just doesn't sound pissed, anymore.  Why aren't you mad anymore, Mr. Shady? 


Like Toy Soldiers:
"Iím suppose to be the soldier who never blows his composure. Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. I ainít never suppose to show it ..." What are you going on about? 
The guy who's made his career out of pissing people off and saying he "just don't give a fuck" is now singing about how he is never supposed to blow his composure.  Since when?  The lyrics to this song are weak and more pussy than a box full of kittens.  The rap itself is okay and I like the militaristic drumming that backs it up.  The chorus is, once again, Em trying to recreate the success of "Stan" by using an already famous song as the chorus.  I just said "chorus" twice in the last sentence.  I suck.


"Maybe this is God just saying we're responsible for this monster, this coward, that we have empowered.  Let the President answer on high anarchy. Strap him with an AK-47, let him go. Fight his own war, let him impress daddy that way. No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our soil."  This is where, after "White America," I thought Eminem would be going with Encore.  I expected some serious, angry political lyrics about the state of our country and world.  Instead we get flatulence jokes.  But this song, this lyrical gem, almost makes up for the rest of the crap.  The first verse is shit (and has nothing to do with the rest of the song), but from there on out it is Eminem 2004, the way it was supposed to be done.  I do have a couple of complaints, though.  The chorus sounds almost EXACTLY like that single from 8 Mile and the weird sci-fi shit passing itself off as background music is sorta, I dunno, weird?  Eminem lip-synching the song on SNL, when he used to bitch about lip-synching, was pathetic.  But, on this CD, you take what you can get and this song is worth getting.  If only Em would stop being so myopic and expand his raps into areas other than his fucking childhood.  This song proves that, at this stage, he could be much more interesting rapping about things other than himself.  Oh, and BUSH SUCKS!  (It had to be said.) 


"I hope you fucking die, I hope you get to hell and Satan sticks a needle in your eye.  I hate your fucking guts you fucking slut, I hope you die"  This is a fun song.  Eminem's trying to prove he can still shock us.  Obviously, he can't, but some of these lyrics (esp. regarding his tattoos of Kim) are good enough to remind us of why Eminem used to be great.  The tune itself is poppy, but in a deliberate way.  It's no "Drug Ballad," but it's got that sort of vibe. 
Listen, enjoy and then get all depressed at the talent we lost when Eminem lost his talent.


My 1st Single:
"Any opinions or somethin' you just wanna get off your chest and address it about my lyrics I'd love to hear it. All you gotta do is pick up the phone and just dial up this number, it's 1-800-I'm a dick sucker"  The number doesn't work.  I wanted to ask where he thinks he misplaced his talent and if I could claim it as my own, if I found it.  The lyrics are pretty amateur and again slam Christopher Reeve, which isn't really that funny to me, anymore, since he died and I wrote my tribute to the man.  But Shady's back in this song and he's doing his best to shock.  Well, not his best, but at least he's making an effort.  The song itself is catchy and sounds like something off the The Slim Shady LP.  If it wasn't for the burping sounds throughout the song, this one would get a 9. 


Rain Man:
"You find me offensive? I find you offensive for finding me offensive. Hence if I should draw a line on any fences, if so to what extenses? 'Cause it's getting expensive being on the other side of the courtroom on the defensive. They say that I cause extensive psychological nerve damage to the brain when I go too far at other people's expenses. I say your all just too god damn sensitive. It's censorship and it's down right blasphemous."  Rhyming "fences" with the phony word "extenses" sounds more Dr. Seuss than Eminem, but this CD is a definite regression to Em's twisted inner-child.  This song coulda been angry, but again Eminem goes for the comedy, right down to yet another fart joke (based on Hoffman's fart in the Rain Man film).  Still, it's pretty funny how Shady describes killing Superman (he's the "Green Chronic"), even if it's simultaneously depressing.  It's sorta funny when he brings back that southern hick accent he used on The Eminem Show and wonders what's gay and what isn't.  "In football the quarterback yells out 'hutt-hutt,' while he reaches in another grown man's ass, grabs on his nuts, but just what if it was never meant, it was just an accident? He tripped, fell, slipped and his penis went in his teeny tiny little round hinny, but his little weenie flinched just a little bit. What if he pictured it as a female's butt? Is that gay?"  Too bad he uses, once again, the Pee Wee Herman voice.  I fucking HATE that voice!  Still, I look forward to Em's homophobic fans shitting thumbtacks when they hear the lyrics to this song.


Big Weenie:
"You're a meany, a meany, but it's only cause you're really jealous of me. Cause I'm what you wanna be. So you just look like a idiot, when you say these mean things. Cause it's too easy to see, you're really just a big weenie, big weenie." 
Oh,  yikes, Em, I'm sure the intended victim of this song is hiding under the bed!  The last time being called a "weenie" scared me, I was in pre-school.  It's nice the Pee Wee Herman voice is back AGAIN in this song *sigh*.  And that shitty fucking keyboard backing track is one of the worst things I've ever heard.  To add to the suckiness of this song, you add the words, "Pibbity-cock-a-poo-poo."  Your words in this song would embarrass a retard, d00d.  "If you say mean things, your weenie will shrink."  Hmm.  What if you write CRAP like this, Em?  You're not even trying anymore.  If you are trying, may God have mercy on your soul.   


Just Lose It:
"Dip, do a little slide. Bend down, touch your toes and just glide up the center of the dance floor. Like T.P. for my bung hole. It's cool if you let one go. Nobody's gonna know, who'd hear it? Give a little 'poot poot' it's okay (Fart Sound)
Oops my CD just skipped and everyone just heard you let one rip."  This is fucking embarrassing.  As if the NON-STOP PW Herman noises in this song weren't bad enough.  This rancid rap doesn't prove you're falling, Em, it proves you fucking FELL.  You're over.  It's done.  Pass the baton and go home.  This isn't Eminem.  This is a stoned 12-year-old trying to emulate Eminem.  If too much ecstasy has turned you into a basket-case, give it up, die of an overdose -- I don't care.  Just don't release shit like this song EVER FUCKING AGAIN!  (PS - Beavis and Butthead went out of style like a decade ago.)


Ass Like That:
"Jessica Simpson, looks oh so tempting. Nick, I ainít never seen an ass like that. Every time I see that show on MTV my pee pee goes DOING DOING DOING." Whatever.  Vanilla Ice did better than this.  And did you have to do the ENTIRE FUCKING RAP using Triumph the Comic Dog's voice.  Remember when you were too cool to hang with a puppet?  Now you imitate him.  This crappy "rap" bites so hard, I feel as though you've given me rabies!   


Spend Some Time:
"I used to say I never met a girl like you before. Still ain't got a fuckin clue as to who you truly are. Almost went as far as introducing you to my daughters. Can't believe I almost flew the coop for some stupid whore."  I wish Obie would go mute, or something.  I've never liked him and he sings half this song.  My ex-friend Jeff, totally whipped by his lying whore of a girl, the first girl he ever had, could learn a thing or two from this rap, with lyrics like, "for all the fools who fell for the first
girl who comes their way, I been down that road, and now I'm back."  This song is dead on arrival.  It's an uninspired moment in lyrical history, with an unbearably bad chorus featuring some chick doing a bad job trying to do a good job singing.



"I remember back one year when daddy had no money. Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up and stuck them under the tree and said some of them were from me, cos daddy couldnít buy Ďem. Iíll never forget that Christmas. I sat up the whole night cryiní, cuz daddy felt like a bum."  Who woulda thunk one of Em's most heartfelt and serious lyrics woulda shown up on the juvenile Encore?  This definitely isn't hardcore, or anything, but it puts a tear in your eye, if your eyes can shed tears.  An amazing song.  My favorite on the album.  I don't think it's a coincidence that in my favorite two songs on the album (this one and "Mosh"), Eminem isn't whining about his past.  His heart isn't in that stuff anymore, he's now just going through the emotions.  He only shines in "Mosh" and this number, because they're issues he actually cares about.


Crazy in Love:

"They say that every man grows up to marry his own mother, which would explain why you're such a motherfuckin' bitch. Even though I just hit you today but you deserved it, you hit me first and provoked me to choke you."  I identify with songs about crazy bitches, being that I never date a woman saner than I am.  Too bad the lyrics are mostly flat (there are a few good lines) and the chorus is sort of obnoxious. 


One Shot 2 Shot:

"God damn there just went another damn bullet I'm hit. My vest is barely able to handle it, its too thin. If I get hit again I can't do it."  Eminem only sings a small part of this song and his part is the weakest.  The whole song is a waste of time. 


"Come on now, here we go - Cliff hanger, it's another club banger - Got you hangin' on the edge of your seat. Get on down."  Did he just say, "Get on down?!?" This album closer is disposable garbage.  Sounds like a Moby single.  Then again, you really CAN dance to it and it sticks in your head for days and days.  It's also cool hearing Em shooting his fans at the end of the rap, even though, if this is outrageous as it gets, Em should hang it up.


OVERALL RATING - Eminem's Encore gets an average of 5.6 Juicy squirts out of a possible 10 ejaculations.  You know the man's lost touch with his talent, when two out of three of the best songs AREN'T ON THE ALBUM (they're on the bonus disc).  Even though he's fallen this far, the album squeaks by and is still worth a listen, if you're a fan.  Get it now when it's on sale for $9.99, or wait until it hits the used section.  It's not worth more than $10.00, but it's a keeper, thanks to a great concept cover and sleeve.  Eminem created two of the best rap albums ever, with "The Marshall Mathers LP" and "The Eminem Show."  It was insane to think he could do it again.  But this attempt feels totally half-assed.  I didn't expect him to live up to his classics, but I never thought he'd fall this hard.

Oh, and if you read this update send me feedback!

HEY!!!  Do you have something to promote?  I'll review ANYTHING.  Fanzines, magazines, CDs, DVDs, videos, toys, comic books, novels, nude photographs; whatever you send me, I'll review it!  I can't promise a GOOD review, since some of things you send me will indefinitely suck shit, but I CAN promise a review, and an address where a person can find the thing I'm reviewing.  Even if I hate the damn thing, you're still getting free promotion (if it's good enough for Alice, damnit, it's good enough for you!)!  It doesn't even have to be a product that you're involved with!  If you've got something you'd like on The Juicy Cerebellum, send it to:

Alex Sandell
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Everything outside of the Encore album cover, and quoted lyrics, are copyright ©2004 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll follow you to work and rip loud farts.

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