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Free stuff people send me to spray my Juice on
Written by: Alex Sandell
Free Thing # 14
we're all gonna die. Stop asking me questions. I'd hate to see you cry. Mama
we're all full of lies. Mama we're meant for the flies. Right now they're
building a coffin your size. Mama we're all gonna die."
My Chemical Romance:
The Black Parade
It's been 2 years since a record company deemed me worthy of a free CD (outside of that one Independent company I keep ignoring). And things haven't changed. I was going to make up this story of how the lead singer of the band sent me an autographed copy of the CD along with a tattooed copy of his dick, but decided that wouldn't fly. But I did receive this CD as a birthday present, making it free and also making it the 14th item reviewed in the Free stuff people send me to spray my Juice on section of The Juicy Cerebellum. Here's the in-depth review that I totally don't feel like writing but am compelled to write under the assumption that if I stop writing stuff people will stop visiting my page:
"Another contusion, my funeral jag. Hereís my resignation, Iíll serve it in drag. Youíve got front row seats to the penitence ball. When I grow up I want to be nothing at all!" When he grows up he wants to be just like me! Yay for identifying! The song's nothing more than a brief introduction to this concept album that wouldn't exist if not for Green Day selling a billion copies of that one CD that was popular and featured in numerous adult television shows that adults watch. It's also a total rip-off of Pink Floyd's guitar sound made famous with The Wall. All that said, it's the best opening to an album in years and made me make a weird noise that sounded something like "yeearrgitzy" when I first put it into my CD player. The noise came from my mouth.
9 (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best. And, if you didn't know that 10 is the best, you should probably go blow your brains out.)
"Have you heard the news that you're dead? No one ever had much nice to say I think they never liked you anyway. Oh take me from the hospital bed. Wouldn't it be grand to take a pistol by the hand and wouldn't it be great if we were dead?" This song is super morbid because morbidity proves that a band is all rebellious and anti-authority. These kids are just a video game and a few dozen million dollars away from Columbine! It's a pretty fast song and it's also bouncy. I like bouncy. It reminds me of when I thought punk was a cause, rather than a product. People bounced then and thought they were part of something. Sort of like how hippies rolled around naked in mud and thought they were changing the world. Thinking you're changing the world while playing in mud and/or bouncing is fun. Boobs bounce. Sometimes in slow-motion. I like this song best when it's fast. And it is fast. But not fast like Minor Threat fast but it has energy. But not like Minor Threat energy.
How I Disappear:
"Who walks among the famous living dead, drowns all the boys and girls inside your bed." La-la-la. The song is melodic but sort of pussy in a power-ballad sort of way. Like Bon Jovi wrote it, if Bon Jovi was trying to be punk instead of hard rock. The lyrics are pathetic and meaningless. Something about lost love, I think. Just dumb lyrics from a horny guy who's been dumped once or twice in his life. I still find reason enough to sing along, so it's not all bad. As a matter of fact, it's kind of good. In a pussy sort of way, of course. At least if you've been dumped. I wouldn't know. I'm still dating all my girlfriends. I'm a Mormon.
"The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead. A light to burn all the empires, so bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be
in love with all of these vampires." Burning empires is good because empires are vampires and the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead because of the sun, or something. These lyrics make absolutely no sense and were probably written while on the marijuana. The beginning guitar in the song sounds like what it feels like to have a seizure, sort of. The first time I heard it I thought my CD was skipping and I went, "Oh FUCK! Why does everything I buy break?" Then I blushed and looked around, hoping that nobody heard me.
to the Black Parade:
"When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city to see a marching band. He said, 'Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?'" I love these lyrics, I love this song. Like Mr. T would say back when he was not dying of cancer, "It's Super-Cool -- FOOL." Mr. T was the man until cancer took his life. I guess the lead singer of this group (whoever he is) thinks he's like the voice of a new generation, or whatever. That's probably why he allowed his song to be on ads for stupid corporate television shows. Yep. That's it. Rebellion has always meant selling the rights to your music to Friday Night Lights: The Lame TV Show.
"After all the blood that you still owe another dollar's just another blow so fix your eyes and get up -- Better get up while you can." A big dumb generic song. I guess it can sort of move you if you're hard-up for rock and roll, but there's a lot better out there. Like my ex-wife, this one's pretty forgettable.
"As the blood runs down the walls, you see me creepin' up these halls -- I been a bad motherfucker." The lyrics are so lame they make me wanna barf out my balls, but this song sticks in my mind like it was made of super-glue and sticky-tape. It's buggin' me, cuz I don't really love it so much and don't really hate it so much. It's more like I'd give it a
"Now turn away, cause I'm awful just to see. All my hair's abandoned all my body, oh my agony. Know that I will never marry. I'm just soggy from the chemo, counting down the days to go. I just hope you know that if you say good-bye today, I'd ask you to be true, cause the hardest part of this is leaving you." Major melodrama bordering on pathetic, but I love it completely. I wonder if it was written for Mr. T? My eyes get all soaked up when I think about how the hardest part of death will be leaving the people who depend on me. What a bitch of a situation. What a semi-great ballad. This song is as generic as they come and as groovy as they go. So? Are you coming or going? Take your pick and live with it.
"Mama we all go to hell. I'm writing this letter and wishing you well. Mama we all go to hell. Mama we're all gonna die. Stop asking me questions. I'd hate to see you cry. Mama we're all gonna die. Mama we're all full of lies. Mama we're meant for the flies. Right now they're building a coffin your size. Mama we're all full of lies." This song so totally gets it. Like a circus number played in Hell. I can't give it a 10 because it still has it's flaws -- such as never changing tempo significantly enough to matter -- but it shouldn't be ignored.
"A drink for the horror that Iím in, for the good guys and the bad guys, for the monsters that Iíve been. Three cheers for tyranny. Unapologetic apathy. 'Cos there ainít no way that Iím coming back again." In a way it's another Bon Jovi ballad, but the lyrics get me all hopped up and the song is catchy in the same way that Saw movies are moving. If that last sentence made no sense to you, go out and buy the last Justin Timberlake. I have no idea what I'm talking about, all of a sudden.
"The boys and girls in a clique, the awful names that they stick -- Youíre never gonna fit in much, kid. But if youíre troubled and hurt, what you got under your shirt, will make them pay for the things that they did. They said, 'all teenagers scare the living shit out of me.' They could care less as long as someoneíll bleed. So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose -- Maybe theyíll leave you alone, but not me." This is the best song on the CD. It's like an anthem about teenagers scaring people who are not teenagers. If played right, it could be the "School's Out" of the next generation. Hopefully the freak in this band won't turn into a big Republican like Alice Cooper did. This generation needs an anthem that isn't spit out by an American Idol contestant.
"I spent my high school career spit on and shoved to agree. So I can watch all my heroes sell a car on TV. Bring out the old guillotine -- we'll show 'em what we all mean." This is a pretty good ballad. It only suffers from repetitive lyrics that repeat like lyrics that are repetitive so you have to keep hearing the same words again and and again and again in a cycle that repeats. Do you know what I mean? Also, dissing heroes selling cars on TV is hypocritical as hell if you're gonna let your stupid songs be played on commercials for television shows like Friday Night Lights: The Lame TV Show. Still, the music itself sounds like early Motley Crue or Green Day imitating early Motley Crue. Either way, you wanna pull out a lighter and wave your arms.
Famous Last Words:
"I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone. Nothing you can say can stop me going home." So then it ends with this big inspirational number that sounds like one of those songs you hear on the church shows that play on cable access every Sunday. What a horrible way to go out. Hopefully there will be a hidden song to wash out the bad taste of hopefulness.
"They can fix me proper with a bit of luck. The doctors and the nurses they adore me so. But it's really quite alarming cause I'm such an awful fuck. I gave you blood, blood - Gallons of the stuff. I gave you all that you can drink and it has never been enough. I gave you blood, blood, blood! I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love!" Thank the maker for hidden songs! When I listen to this one I dance around and pretend I'm one of those famous dancing guys from the 1940s and then I fall down exhausted and laugh and laugh until phlegm comes up in my throat. It's funny that they're dead.
OVERALL RATING - My Chemical Romance's The Black Parade gets an average of 7.9 Juicy squirts out of a possible 10 ejaculations. This album is good enough to actually purchase, rather than pirate. The only problem is that it's hard to give money to bands that sell their songs to stupid TV shows like, Friday Night Lights: The Lame TV Show.
I didn't really want to write this update, but I did. Now maybe you don't want to send me some feedback regarding this article, but it's the only payment I get, so if you read/skimmed/briefly looked at this update send me feedback!
HEY!!! Do you have something to promote? I'll review ANYTHING. Fanzines, magazines, CDs, DVDs, videos, toys, comic books, novels, nude photographs; whatever you send me, I'll review it! I can't promise a GOOD review, since some of things you send me will indefinitely suck shit, but I CAN promise a review, and an address where a person can find the thing I'm reviewing. Even if I hate the damn thing, you're still getting free promotion (if it's good enough for Alice, damnit, it's good enough for you!)! It doesn't even have to be a product that you're involved with! If you've got something you'd like on The Juicy Cerebellum, send it to:
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Review of Alice Cooper's "Brutal Planet" CD
Review of Migraine's "Live at CBGB's" CD
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Everything outside of the
cover, and quoted lyrics, are copyright ©2004 Alex
Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this, without my permission, and
I'll follow you to work and rip loud farts.
Back to The Juicy Cerebellum!
Documentary filmmaker Manu Boyer begins "I Trust You to Kill Me"
intending to chronicle the first European tour of the little known band, "Rocco
DeLuca and the Burden" and winds up so bored with the group, he focuses instead
on their manager, Kiefer Sutherland. Unfortunately, Sutherland isn't all that
much more exciting than the band he's helping promote.
At first watching the middle-aged actor prance around like a teenager, getting drunk and tackling Christmas trees (Jack Bauer would be so ashamed) is amusing. But it quickly grows old.
When the actor turns 39, his mother hints that it's time for him to grow up. He says that she's usually right. In response, he tattoos the title of the film into his arm in Icelandic Runes.
The rest of the film Sutherland drones on about how he tackles Christmas trees to get his father's attention and "make people laugh" and DeLuca keeps whining into the microphone with his songs and whining into the camera during his interview. Nothing in the film is resolved and nothing the director set out to show or do is accomplished (unless his goal was to show how bland the life of a rock and roll band can be). This one's for diehard fans of Sutherland or DeLuca and even they'll probably end up bored.