My EX-Friends, 1-10
In typical Juicy fashion, I decided to reveal even more of the most personal parts of my life (it's amazing there's still more, isn't it?) and talk about ex-friends. BUT, I said to myself "hey, that's boring, what can I do to keep the average, voyeuristic reader of The Juicy Cerebellum interested?" I pondered this question for minutes before coming up with this brilliant 1-10 scale. Where else are you gonna find 1-10 ratings on people? Especially EX-people.
Due to the fact that some of these friendships ended on (oh, surprise) unfriendly terms, I decided to be fair and give each ex-friend two seperate 1-10 ratings. One at their best, and one at their worst. We all have our highs and our lows, so I figured, "if I exploit both, I'll be sure to get a laugh!"
Still, I thought a 1-10 rating may not be enough. So, I decided to tell you all why each friend became an EX-friend. Hey, if you don't like it, don't read it, and remember, if it's not personal, it just ain't Juicy!
Note: There are no ex-girlfriends in here . . . they deserve a special section of their very own. Also, some of the names have been changed to protect the idiots.
1-10 AT HIS BEST: 10. Why? One of the biggest smart-asses around. If he didn't like you, trust me, you knew it.
1-10 AT HIS WORST: 1. Why? One of the biggest smart-asses around. If he didn't like you, trust me, you knew it.
HOW LONG WERE WE FRIENDS: 8 years.
WHY WE STOPPED BEING FRIENDS: Got into a fight over the t.v. show, "My So Called Life."
1-10 AT HER BEST: 5. Why? She was okay.
1-10 AT HER WORST: 3. Why? She didn't so much have a personality, as much as she emulated one.
HOW LONG WERE WE FRIENDS: 6 months.
WHY WE STOPPED BEING FRIENDS: She had a really possessive boyfriend.
1-10 AT HIS BEST: 8. Why? He really believed in his causes, once he found someone to teach him what causes to believe.
1-10 AT HIS WORST: 1. Why? Like so many other "liberal-until-I-leave-college" "liberals," he was hypocritical, unfair, and changed his beliefs as often as, well - a "liberal-until-I-leave-college" "liberal." I do wish him a prosperous life of becoming what he hates.
HOW LONG WERE WE FRIENDS: 1 year.
WHY WE STOPPED BEING FRIENDS: He was very easily brainwashed, his girlfriend was very manipulative. Not a winning combination.
1-10 AT HIS BEST: 10. Why? If you think this page is insane . . .
1-10 AT HIS WORST: 7. Why? He tended to hang with whatever crowd seemed to be "hippest."
HOW LONG WERE WE FRIENDS: 4 years.
WHY WE STOPPED BEING FRIENDS: He died.
1-10 AT HER BEST: 4. Why? The word "egotist" mean anything to you?
1-10 AT HER WORST: 2. Why? The word "egotist" mean anything to you?
HOW LONG WERE WE FRIENDS: 2 years (although I don't know why).
WHY WE STOPPED BEING FRIENDS: The word "egotist" mean anything to you?
1-10 AT HER BEST: 8. Why? She was pretty cool, when you actually got to see her, but she was always canceling plans.
1-10 AT HER WORST: 4. Why? I hear she's writing a book called "Yvette's Excuses."
HOW LONG WERE WE FRIENDS: 2 years.
WHY WE STOPPED BEING FRIENDS: Actually, I'm still waiting for her to show up. She said she'd be here around 7.
1-10 AT HER BEST: 1. Why? An expert at telling everyone just what they wanted to hear. The only thing is, once I figured her out, I didn't want to hear it.
1-10 AT HER WORST: 1. Why? She lies, cheats, manipulates, breaks up friendships, and has a real ugly butt. Oh, how can I forget, she does this all while calling herself "Christian."
HOW LONG WERE WE FRIENDS: Too fucking long.
WHY WE STOPPED BEING FRIENDS: I couldn't bare to stare at the crucifix that dangled over her heart, as I heard all the crap that flowed from her mouth.
1-10 AT HIS BEST: 10. Why? He was funny, friendly and farted a lot.
1-10 AT HIS WORST: 9. Why? Farts can sometimes smell pretty bad.
HOW LONG WERE WE FRIENDS: 13 years.
WHY WE STOPPED BEING FRIENDS: He died.
I figure farting and death is a good ending. There's lots of other ex-friends out there, somewhere, and I extend a sincere apology to anyone I forgot. Send me an email, and I'll make sure to put you down in some other article, when I get the chance.
© Copyright 1997 Alex Sandell [all rights reserved]. Hey, if you wanna write something like this, go lose some friends of your own!
Wow, you're running pretty low on ideas, dude. That was your worst update yet! Send me back to that table of brains thing, IMMEDIATELY!
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