Written by: Alex Sandell

Everybody's all fucked up. All of these fucked up people generally tend to look for salvation in other people, a bit more famous or rich, who are just as fucked up. Some people even look toward me for answers. Why? Because it's obvious that I am just as, if not more than, fucked up than them. They can identify.

I'm so fucked up, I wonder if I'll keep myself alive until next week. The people who write me don't know if they'll make it until tomorrow. So I get letters. "Hey, you're fucked up. Can you help me? I'm even more fucked up than you."

I respond to each of these letters by stating how fucked up I am, and how I just get through it by living until the next day. If I'm feeling slightly deceptive, I respond by saying I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Midget. I might not do that anymore, though, since I'm the only person that thinks that comment is actually funny. To be honest (prepare yourself to be shocked), I'm not even a teenager, or *gasp* a midget. (I did shake hands with one, once.) I've been called a mutant from time to time, and took Karate for a year, so I guess there's some truth behind those titles.

It just fucks me up knowing how many of us are totally fucked. So, what do we do about it? You write to me and I write to Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton's fucked up secretary forwards my letter to his fucked up publicist and she sends me a photocopied autograph saying "I'm sorry you're so damn fucked up."

Does anything get resolved? Not really. We all just get temporarily "un-fucked." Then we just get all fucked up, again. Everyone in the world knows Bill is fucked. Anyone reading my page knows that I am fucked. Anyone fucked is reading my page.

How do we stop this gigantic fuckfest? We don't. We simply write more letters saying "I'm fucked."

You write to me saying, "I'm still fucked." I write to Bill saying, "buddy, the world is fucked." And then, after it's all said and done, Bill goes to a foreign country saying, "shit man, we're fucked."

If you're currently feeling fucked up, go ahead and send your comments to me at alex@juicycerebellum.com, I'll make sure to respond, or at least forward them to the President. He'll never get back to you, but hey, can you blame him? He's fucked.

1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved] Yes, the purpose of this update really was just to say "fuck" a whole bunch.

Juicy Cerebellum