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games 35-31

Note to stupid people who didn't read the introduction to this update on the first page:  This is a list of the best games of the LAST generation of consoles (Sega Dreamcast, Nintendo GameCube, Sony Playstation 2, Microsoft Xbox, Nintendo DS.  I didn't count the Sony PSP because I hate it.).  This isn't a list of the best games EVER made, although some games on the list (especially the top 10) would probably make that list, as well.

Hey gamers!  I know $5.00 for an incredibly excellent game can seem like a ton-o-cash when you can get a Whopper and Chicken Fries at Burger King for the same price, but receiving emails thanking me for all the great games I recommended that readers chose to pick up used at Gamestop doesn't help me or The Juicy Cerebellum.  Honest, I swear, I do not make a profit off of this page.  If you think any of these games look good, could you maybe pick one up through the links I waste time providing?  I only get like 3% commission, but it beats living on the streets, right?  Anyway, onto the games!

 

# 35 Doom 3 (Microsoft Xbox)

  My credibility as a gaming journalist will surely go down the toilet like this afternoon's Taco Bell with gamers the world over, when they notice that I placed Doom 3 one spot above the seminal shooter, Half-Life 2. When I read the list of 45 to my brother and arrived at Doom 3, he was temporarily possessed by Star Jones.  "Oh no you didn't," he said, shaking his head rapidly from side to side as he spoke.  "Well," I replied, "Half-Life 2 definitely has more to it, but Doom 3 is old-school FPS at its best."  My brother's eyes turned that color red you usually only see in a photograph taken at night with a super-powered flash camera during a drunken party with underage girls pretending to be 21.  "Sista, nothing beats Half-Life 2.  Especially not that cracka-ass Doom 3 shit!  Don't even go there, biiiiatch!"  I told him to "talk to the hand" and went ahead with the update.  Sure, Doom 3 is nothing more than a glorified remake of the first, with stupid A.I. wrapped up in a dark and bloody package of Satanic goodness, but damn if iD didn't get it right.  The concept of gun but no flashlight, or flashlight but no gun was poor game design, but I was too busy checking out the bowels of Hell (and Hell did look like the inside of Ron Jeremey's large intestine) to care.  It was a fun game, it made me jump a few times, it was a decent length, and the graphics were out of this world.  The detail and lighting effects in the game were beyond what I thought the Xbox could pull off, and apparently were beyond what the Xbox 360 can achieve, being that Quake IV on the 360 -- similar in looks -- has slow-down to the point of killing the game, while Doom 3 on the original Xbox runs as smooth as a couple of Big Burritos leaving your wretched rump at the closest available truck stop.   

# 34 Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour (Nintendo GameCube)

  If I dropped acid and/or ecstasy, this is the game I'd play while high.  The game is so much fun, it's surprising Hillary Clinton and Sam Brownback haven't made it illegal.  I've heard that respected attorney Jack Thompson made a failed attempt at trying to prove that it's more addictive than crack, crystal meth and Butterfingers combined.  If you like party games, this is one of them (is this sentence lacking?).  When you're not drunk/high/eating Butterfingers, the game can actually be soothing; like popping a few Valium tablets and listening to Yanni. All your favorite Nintendo characters turn out to be golfing pros when not rescuing/kidnapping Princess Peach, and you control each and every swing that they make.  You can also annoy the hell out of your friends with a bunch of verbal noises spawned by pressing various buttons on your controller when they're making a crucial shot.  It's especially funny if your buddy doesn't know  you're doing it and just thinks the game is picking on him/her/it.  The graphics are sugary-sweet and, at risk of sounding "faggoty" -- gorgeous.  The courses are as wild as you'd expect trippy Mario based courses to be.  If you don't drop acid, this may be a good time to start.  The game's one big star-spangled hallucination.  You can't really say the same thing about Tiger Woods Golf PGA Tour Part 387.5 -- or any EA game, for that matter.  

# 33 Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (Nintendo GameCube)

  Samus is back in another Metroid Prime game.  The first Metroid Prime was something totally new in the first person shooter first person adventure genre.  The novelty of the original game has somewhat worn off, and the split-screen multiplayer seems as underdeveloped as Paris Hilton's boobs, but the campaign mode is still one hell of a ride.  If you've played the first, you know what to expect in the second.  There are a few new breasts (sorry, my mind's still on Paris's itty-bitty titties) twists and turns and the strength of the story cannot be denied, but I had hoped this sequel would take it to the next level of gameplay.  That said, the only reason the game is even remotely disappointing is because the first one was a masterpiece of gaming design.  A title that redefined what a first person shooter first person adventure could/should truly be.  The second in the series is still more than most of us petty gamers are worthy of, better than almost every other game in the genre, and definitely a must buy for any fan of games that don't suck.  Is "more of the same" a bad thing, when the sameness is based on one of the best titles made in human history?   

# 32 Jet Grind Radio (Sega Dreamcast)

  What can be said about Jet Grind Radio that hasn't already been said by every serious gamer with seriously good taste in games?  Radio was honest to fucking god revolutionary.  It was something completely new and it was a blast-and-a-half (I can't believe I just typed, "blast-and-a-half").  You're a graffiti artist in an oppressive police state, trying to tag your territory while avoiding the NSA stormtrooper like cops.  You're on roller-blades, and you use every piece of the environment to outrun these fascist pigs.  You can do Tony Hawk like tricks, without the Tony Hawk like corporate sponsorship.  You can also grab onto the back of cars and zoom away, Back to the Future style.  The rampant vandalism and funky Japanese punk rock is what makes the game what it is.  This is as anti-corporate as a title developed for a corporation is going to get.  Ironically, Microsoft saw something great and snagged exclusive rights to the sequel for their original Xbox (the 180?).  The sequel was even better than the original (did I just give away an upcoming game on this coveted list?).  Either way, both games are a cel-shaded blast.  Or blast-and-a-half, even.  There, I said it again.  Do you believe me now?  You cannot, cannot, CANNOT afford to miss this game.  Viva la Revolution!  

# 31 Super Smash Bros. Melee (Nintendo GameCube)

  In my Soul Calibur (#42) review, I said I liked one fighter better than the almighty SC.  This is it.  When it comes to fighters, Super Smash Bros. Melee is the best time you'll have without a garden hose and hooker with a freakishly deep vagina ready for anything you spray its way.  I have spent hours upon hours beating my best friends to a bloody pulp with this game.  This has also been the best-selling title for the GameCube and when Nintendo announced a follow-up would be released for the Wii at this year's (2006) E3, Nintendo fans around the world took a Wii in their pants (sorry, but I'm entitled one juvenile Wii joke).  If you like fighting games, this is better than the second coming of Christ (or at least tied).  If you don't like fighting games, this one will convert you to the genre.  The graphics are pure eye-candy.  The gameplay is as simple or as complex as you want it to be.  The moves are funny and unlike anything you've seen before.  The characters are funnier than the moves they're able to make.  The graphics are smashing (get it?  "Smashing?") and this single title makes the GameCube worth the price of admission, alone.  Especially now that they're selling the console, along with the game, for only $99.99 (look toward your right, and then order).  I paid $249.98 for this game and the GameCube way back when you were still a virgin and felt like I was getting a good deal.  You latecomers may as well be stealing the damn thing at the price Nintendo is currently offering.  Super Smash Bros. Melee is the best brawler ever created.  Yes, it is better than the almighty Street Fighter 2.  This game is super (get it?  "Super")!!!  Do. Not. Miss. It.  (Excess periods added for emphasis.)  

Be back soon (I work for myself because I suck at keeping a schedule) for games 30-26!

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Your favorite game missing from the list?  Email to piss and moan!

2006 Alex Sandell/Cerebellum inc. [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll have bad guys from Doom randomly generate behind your sorry ass and wipe you out, before you even have a chance to turn your flashlight on.  Loser!