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Games 30-26

Note to stupid people who didn't read the introduction to this update on the first page:  This is a list of the best games of the LAST generation of consoles (Sega Dreamcast, Nintendo GameCube, Sony Playstation 2, Microsoft Xbox, Nintendo DS.  I didn't count the Sony PSP because I hate it.).  This isn't a list of the best games EVER made, although some games on the list (especially the top 10) would probably make that list, as well.

Hey gamers!  I know $5.00 for an incredibly excellent game can seem like a ton-o-cash when you can get a Whopper and Chicken Fries at Burger King for the same price, but receiving emails thanking me for all the great games I recommended that readers chose to pick up used at Gamestop doesn't help me or The Juicy Cerebellum.  Honest, I swear, I do not make a profit off of this page.  If you think any of these games look good, could you maybe pick one up through the links I waste time providing?  I only get like 3% commission, but it beats living on the streets, right?  Anyway, onto the games!

 

# 30 Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow (Nintendo DS)

  Who doesn't like a side-scrolling Castlevania game?  The GameBoy Advance Castlevania titles proved the genre was still alive and kicking whipping and this DS version shows that it's not only alive and kicking, but whipping the shit out of nearly every other handheld game out thereThe only downfall -- and it's a minor one -- is the stupid parts where you have to "seal" the bosses into some sort of hell by memorizing a moronic touchscreen symbol.  It's never an interesting symbol like a drawing of a middle finger, either.  It's just some pointless thing you have to draw on the screen.  Draw it incorrectly and you have to fight the boss all over again.  Otherwise, this game is damn near perfect and one of the best in the series!  

# 29 Jade Empire (Microsoft Xbox)

 

 

The team behind the original Knights of the Old Republic (that'd be the good one) created this game.  It's like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, without the super boring romance parts where Oriental people roll around in the desert and kiss each other in hidden caves for 63 minutes.  This is one of the best RPG games created, even if it does only last 10-15 hours.  Being the old bastard that I am, raised on the Atari 2600, I really had a fun time flying around shooting people in a way that would do River Raid proud.  But even if you're some kid just getting into geekdom, you should be satisfied with the depth and scope of the game.  Not to mention the unique setting for an RPG (IE - it's not in the ancient past where castles and dragons covered the land and it's not in the far away future where silver skyscrapers and mechanical dragons will cover the land).  That's not to say Jade Empire reinvents the genre.  The obligatory arena stuff is included, along with graveyards and other RPG conventions.  One time I dry-humped a woman in a graveyard and ejaculated.  We had had sex at a Holiday Inn previously, but we were unable to at the boneyard (heh heh, "boneyard"), because she was menstruating. 

PS - This one's back-compat on the 360, so even if you don't have the original Xbox you can enjoy this game in brilliant hi-def.

 

 

# 28 Lego Star Wars (GameCube/PS2/Xbox)

  If you don't like playing with pixilated representations of overpriced plastic Lego pieces, you should be left to rot in a stinky Sarlacc Pit (like Boba Fett).  Lego Star Wars is the biggest product-placement since any given episode of The Apprentice.  Some inconsequential gaming magazine claimed this was the only good Star Wars' title to come out of the prequel trilogy.  I guess they forgot Bounty Hunter, Podracer, Clone Wars and that other one with lightsabers and spaceships.  What was that one called, again?  Granted, Lego Star Wars is the best Star Wars' game to come out of the prequel series.  How could you not enjoy the thing?  It takes you through ALL the major events of the first 3 movies, leading up to A New Hope.  In regards to the game, George Lucas said, "My stomach is full of taco sauce."  I don't think you could get a ringing-er endorsement than that.  George Lucas is cool.  And he likes Taco sauce.  

# 27 Super Monkey Ball 2 (Nintendo GameCube)

  If you've played the original Super Monkey Ball, you pretty much know what to expect with the sequel.  The second one is harder and not quite as good as the one that preceded it.  The long overdue Super Monkey Ball 3 will be released later this year on the GameCube and PS2, but not on the Xbox.  Xbox gamers will have to settle for Ultra Marble Blast , which, to be fair, is an amazingly fun game.  But it's no Monkey Ball.  Just to be cool, Microsoft should put Colin Farrell inside of the marbles in Ultra Marble Blast II, dressed in the costume and wig he wore in Alexander.  And then each level should take 3 hours to complete and have some homoerotic scenes where Colin asks if he can touch his partner's marble.  This really has nothing to do with Super Monkey Ball 2, but that's because I describe the whole Monkey Ball thing in my review of Super Monkey Ball 1, which is higher up on the list.  So really, I'm just filling space here.  

# 26 Mario Kart DS (Nintendo DS)

  One day Nintendo said their online service would be just as good as Xbox Live.  They were lying.  Xbox Live is like the best sex you could ever have, topped with a breakfast biscuit from Burger King.  With mini Tater Tots.  But Mario Kart DS proved that Nintendo was an online force to be reckoned with.   Mario Kart DS -- online or offline -- is a great game.  Online, it's a classic.  I've played online for hours and have yet to experience any slowdown or dropped connections.  Also, since voice is disabled in the game, I haven't had to endure listening to 12 year olds pretending they're Eminem.  The best part is it doesn't cost a thing to play online.  Plus, you can draw a picture of boobies and use them as your gaming icon.  Who doesn't like crudely drawn boobies?  The game itself is the best Mario Kart since ... well ... ever.  The tracks are numerous, challenging and varied.  At $35, the game is about the best bargain available for any console -- handheld or not held in hand.  There are exactly 1,346,748,966 tracks to choose from.  You can play as Mario or lesser known characters who all wish that they were Mario (what the hell ever happened to Donkey Kong Jr.?).  In all seriousness, this game is hard to top in the racing world.  Go to the store.  Click the link on the left.  Buy it.  You'll thank me later.  

Check back soon for games 25-21!

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Your favorite game missing from the list?  Email to piss and moan!

2006 Alex Sandell/Cerebellum inc. [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll have bad guys from Doom randomly generate behind your sorry ass and wipe you out, before you even have a chance to turn your flashlight on.  Loser!