|Posters, prints and shirts on sale now! Click above and buy some eye-candy for your walls (or masculine chest)!|
Note to stupid people who didn't read the introduction to this update on the first page: This is a list of the best games of the LAST generation of consoles (Sega Dreamcast, Nintendo GameCube, Sony Playstation 2, Microsoft Xbox, Nintendo DS. I didn't count the Sony PSP because I hate it.). This isn't a list of the best games EVER made, although some games on the list (especially the top 10) would probably make that list, as well.
Hey gamers! I know $5.00 for an incredibly excellent game can seem like a ton-o-cash when you can get a Whopper and Chicken Fries at Burger King for the same price, but receiving emails thanking me for all the great games I recommended that readers chose to pick up used at Gamestop doesn't help me or The Juicy Cerebellum. Honest, I swear, I do not make a profit off of this page. If you think any of these games look good, could you maybe pick one up through the links I waste time providing? I only get like 3% commission, but it beats living on the streets, right? Anyway, onto the games!
# 25 Jet Set Radio Future (Microsoft Xbox)
|I love blaming
Microsoft for everything that goes wrong in the world. The lightning
storm currently going on that is bound to either A. shut down my Internet
connection before uploading this update or B. send a lightning bolt up my
butt is surely the
fault of the guys over at MS. Bill Gates does control the
weather now, doesn't he? Sort of like a less brittle Mr. Burns
blocking out the sun?
But, as much as it pains me to say it, Jet Set Radio Future's poor
sales had nothing to do with Microsoft. The corporation advertised the
game like it was the second coming of Tony Hawk. Still, they couldn't
get gamers interested -- not even with a soundtrack by The Beastie Boys
(whatever difference that made to gaming kids whose parents had to fight for
the right to party, like 15 or 20 years earlier). Maybe MS tried
too hard to make JSRF look like the next in a long line of Tony Hawk
clones. Maybe their advertising department didn't know how to sell a
game this fucking unique and jaw-droppingly brilliant. Or, maybe the
stars just weren't aligned properly in the sky that Bill Gates owns at least 80% of
in stock options. Whatever the cause, I just ended up blaming Microsoft in an
update where I said I wouldn't blame Microsoft. Old habits die hard, I
guess. Regardless, this is a great game and the best "extreme sports"
title ever released. Microsoft was genius to pick the franchise up.
They were foolish not to
# 24 Pikmin (Nintendo GameCube)
|Ah, Pikmin ... the title where Nintendo finally went completely over the edge. In the game you're a miniature astronaut who lands in Miyamoto's backyard and meets up with all these multi-cultured thingies with leaves and flowers growing out of their brightly colored heads. Each group of Pikmin has special super-powers based on the color of their skin. Some fight bosses. Some can climb higher than others. A few of them can lift heavy stuff to clear your path. Each day is timed and you have to achieve certain missions in the minutes given or Miyamoto will step on you and laugh wildly while screaming, "WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Actually, Miyamoto doesn't step on you, but it's going to take you all that much longer to get back to your spaceship and to travel to your homeworld if you can't get the job done in time. And who wouldn't want to get to a homeworld where everyone must be about 1 inch tall with 18th of an inch penises (is this planet Japan)? The game itself is addicting, full of variety and a joy for all ages. That's not to say it's easy. Because easy it's not. Begin playing it for the "cuteness" factor, finish it to prove you're still an expert gamer.|
# 23 Animal Crossing: Wild World (Nintendo DS)
|Animal Crossing. If Nintendo hadn't already gone over the edge with Pikmin, they would have jumped off it with this franchise. There's no point to the game. There's no end, there's no middle, there's not really any plot to speak of. It just is. You fish. You find seashells and dinosaur bones. You work for Tom Nook at Nook's Cranny. You meet interesting characters and have the chance to change their names from the cutesy to the perverse. "Help me Alex! Genitalwart is having a problem!" One time, on the GameCube version of the game, I remember I was sitting there all by myself on New Year's Eve and I ended up celebrating the coming of the new year with a bunch of video game animals on my television screen. Fireworks went off and the in-game characters were having a blast. I felt like killing myself. Then a drunken real-life friend had his drunk real-life girlfriend call me and tell me that I was a nerd because I didn't worship Lord of the Rings (the irony there is staggering). She said my whole year would suck because I had no taste in movies. That was the lowest I had felt since taking a stroll around the ER with my gown wide-open and my hairy buttocks hanging out for all the young nursing students from the local nursing college to laugh at. My hairy buttocks aren't really selling this game, are they? This is why I didn't get that modeling job for the Gap. Anyway, the DS version is better than the GameCube version, because you can play online with friends. So, at least when you're alone on New Year's Eve, you can be alone with somebody else, even if they are three continents away. Animal Crossing -- for the loser in all of us. Pop open the solitary champagne!|
# 22 Tetris DS (Nintendo DS)
|I bought this game on a whim. I thought a little Tetris would go down nicely in the nostalgia department. Maybe I could blast out some dated Motley Crue while playing the game and make it feel like 1989 all over again! Then I went online with the game and what an online experience it was. The online games -- especially the four-player with items -- is the most addicting online experience I've had since I first got a Packard Bell computer (forgive me, I was young, stupid and brainwashed by a Best Buy employee who told me the Packard Bell brand was "way better" than those "more expensive" computers) and watched pictures of nude women download at a rapid-fire 14.4 kbps pace ("Seriously, we'll see her cleavage within an hour and 22 minutes! Come on, man! Wait around. It's not the same thing if you just crack open the most recent Playboy!"). Nintendo reinvented a classic without taking away from the gameplay elements that made it a classic in the first place. It'd be like God inventing a woman with a second vagina -- one that doubled as a soft-serve ice-cream maker. Nintendo has made the definitive Tetris title and, if you're even remotely a fan of the puzzle game to end all puzzle games, this is the one you need to have in your pocket and ready to play whenever you're within a mile of any sign reading, "We have Wi-fi!" (I suggest sitting outside of the overpriced coffee houses. You don't have to pay for the online privileges and can avoid the annoying youngster yuppies with the purple nose-rings pushing $8.00 lattes on you, while pointing "subtly" at the tip jar.)|
# 21 Guitar Hero (Sony Playstation 2)
|Ever wanted to be part of the Dance Dance Revolution craze, but were turned off by all that getting up from the recliner and moving your body? Want the satisfaction of a perfect guitar solo, without having to deal with the overwhelming stress of strumming a whopping six strings? Ever wish you could be a rock star, without the obligatory heroin habit and eager groupies willing to rub their oiled breasts between your Double-D fat rolls before you commit suicide after marrying a talentless skanky chick? Then Guitar Hero is for you, doughboy. The game works a lot like Dance Dance Revolution. As Pantera's Cowboys from Hell cranks through your speakers, different colored lights glow, letting you know that you are to press a certain button on your plastic guitar controller. The title is filled with one heavy metal song after another, which is an improvement over all the Britney Spears' tween "rock" vomited onto unwilling victims in the Dance Dance games. Still, I woulda preferred a little more punk and classic rock, but the game works like a blast from the past and reminds most players that heavy metal is still kicking ass -- even if it is no longer taking names. I'm eager to see the lineup of songs picked for the mega-hyped Guitar Hero II. Sure, pressing color-coded buttons on what looks like a plastic Fischer Price "Guitar" isn't going to fetch you a blowjob from a booth babe at next year's E3, but it will, albeit briefly, make you feel like a rock God when you get through an entire song without making a mistake and hear the canned cheering coming from the audience. Guitar Hero is what I look for in a game: It's unique, it's fun, it's challenging and it's rewarding. It's also proof that a small independent gaming publisher can still release a big-time hit. At least until that small independent gaming publisher goes and sells the sequels to one of the corporate overlords of the gaming realm, Activision. I wonder if the second Guitar Hero will have fans throwing beer bottles at the performer while screaming, "SELLOUT! GO SUCK PITFALL HARRY'S DICK, YOU CORPORATE WHORE!!!"? That would be cool. And realistic.|
Check back soon for games 20-16!
<<<Back to games 30-26|Forward to games 20-16>>>
Your favorite game missing from the list? Email to piss and moan!
©2006 Alex Sandell/Cerebellum inc. [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this, without my permission, and I'll throw beer bottles at your head until you die and then I'll stomp on your corpse and call it a sellout!