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Note to stupid people who didn't read the introduction to this update on the first page: This is a list of the best games of the LAST generation of consoles (Sega Dreamcast, Nintendo GameCube, Sony Playstation 2, Microsoft Xbox, Nintendo DS. I didn't count the Sony PSP because I hate it.). This isn't a list of the best games EVER made, although some games on the list (especially the top 10) would probably make that list, as well.
Hey gamers! I know $5.00 for an incredibly excellent game can seem like a ton-o-cash when you can get a Whopper Jr. and Chicken Fries at Burger King for the same price, but receiving emails thanking me for all the great games I recommended that readers chose to pick up used at Gamestop doesn't help me or The Juicy Cerebellum. Honest, I swear, I do not make a profit off of this page. If you think any of these games look good, could you maybe pick one up through the links I waste time providing? I only get like 3% commission, but it beats living on the streets, right? Anyway, onto the games!
# 20 The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind (Microsoft Xbox)
|Prior to Morrowind
I had been sort of a geek, but didn't RPG much beyond the Zelda
franchise; which I was told by gamers
# 19 The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (Nintendo GameCube)
# 18 Oddworld: Munch's Odyssey (Microsoft Xbox)
|Like Jet Set Radio Future and Shenmue before it, Microsoft grabbed up exclusive rights to one of the greatest gaming franchises known to man (and those big-busted women who are paid to pretend they're hardcore gamers, so gaming guys won't feel lonely). I was starting to worry that the company's Xbox would surpass the Nintendo GameCube as my favorite console. But then MS got cold feet (I've heard that's a symptom of MS) and dropped the Jet Set and Shenmue series entirely and gave up their exclusivity rights to the Oddworld series after Munch didn't sell as many copies as Windows XP Home Edition. But Microsoft's gaming division -- if they were thinking about anything other than profit margins -- made the right choice in robbing Nintendo and Sony gamers of the Oddworld experience. I'm guessing the company figured that Abe (from the nearly life-changing Abe's Odyssey titles released on the PS1) and Munch -- the first creature to be so ugly it's cute, since the Chinese came up with the Shar-Pei -- combined would be their Mario and Luigi. A Mario and Luigi with attitude and bad gas. A "Wario," if you will. The game is full of juvenile fart jokes and other stuff guaranteed to make adolescents still hooked up on biological functions laugh themselves silly. There's even plenty of humor to get the most somber adult laughing his or her ass off. The game should have been a hit. Of all games that weren't a hit that should have been, this is the one that makes me scratch my head and go, "Why wasn't this a hit?" Then I wonder why I typed the word "hit" so many times in a row. Overuse of the word "hit" (there, I did it again) aside, the gameplay is deep, compelling and full of original stuff you probably haven't seen in any other game. The graphics were excellent enough to make the game the graphical showcase title for the Xbox. But nobody bought it. Here's your chance to make up for past wrongs. If you don't own this game -- or if you owned a copy but used it as beer coaster while playing the inferior Halo -- pick yourself up a copy and find out what you've been missing. Then sign that gay online petition some moron has circulating around the web begging Microsoft to bring Abe and Munch to the Xbox 360. It won't do anything, but signing petitions are sort of like masturbating -- it feels good while you do it, but when you've finished you scream, "AM I REALLY THIS DESPERATE?!?"|
# 17 Fatal Frame II: Director's Cut (Microsoft Xbox)
|Oh how I feel sorry for the poor souls (get it? "Souls?") stuck playing this title on the PS2. I don't really know why, since I had a blast with the Playstation 2 version, but this director's cut for the Xbox blows it away like Japan did to Pearl Harbor. What I thought would be a gimmick turned out to be the best part of the newly revised game: The first person view. It just looks better. It just plays better. It just is better. And none of the Fatal Frame games were slacking in the first place. This is probably the only series in the survival horror genre since Resident Evil made it a craze that really tried to do something different than recreate Resident Evil. Sure, Silent Hill went out of its way to look like it wasn't Resident Evil, but really it sort of was, if you paid close attention. In Fatal Frame you don't even get a weapon. Just an old-fashioned camera. And your job is to capture spirits on film before they capture you and bring you to a ritual where twin tweens are sacrificed to the Gods of Pedophilia, or something like that. The game is made particularly scary due to the fact that you have to let these otherworldly spirits get as close to you as possible, to snap a quality image. This game really gets under your skin and it's the first survival horror title to actually give me nightmares. In a genre gone stale, this is something entirely invigorating and it's as fresh as an anal douche, before being applied to the intended rectal area. The game is a hard-sell (as are many on this list), but once you try it for yourself, you'll see that buying it was the easiest part -- it's playing the game that will scare the shit out of you (may I recommend an anal douche?)!|
# 16 Wave Race: Blue Storm (Nintendo GameCube)
|Want to know what it's like following up one of the most beloved racing games of all time? Check out the reviews of Wave Race: Blue Storm from a bunch of fans of the straight-out perfect original and find out. If you can get past the fact that this isn't quite as good as the original title that spawned it, you'll discover it's an incredible racing game with unbelievable water-physics, amazing twists and turns and just a slightly wonky control system that bogs it down ever so slightly (is "wonky" still a hip word with the kids? Was it ever?). I bought this title at launch day and initially hated it to the point of returning it to Wal-Mart and nagging the manager to let me exchange it for Luigi's Mansion. He agreed and I took home that Luigi-related disaster. Mama-Mia, was that ever a mistake. I then sold Luigi's Crappy-Ass Kid's Mansion and bought Wave Race: Blue Storm a second time used for $17.00. This time I gave it a chance. And guess what? It was pleasurable. Playing it, I felt sort of like my girlfriend feels when I use a ribbed condom. It really is a beautiful game and while I can't say it lives up to the original I will admit that it is nearly as good and the best time you'll have playing with something wet. As long as you don't start wearing a condom with "nubs for her pleasure" during intercourse.|
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©2006 Alex Sandell/Cerebellum inc. [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this, without my permission, and I'll break your 360 when you're less than 5 hours away from completing Oblivion!