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Note to stupid people who didn't read the introduction to this update on the first page:  This is a list of the best games of the LAST generation of consoles (Sega Dreamcast, Nintendo GameCube, Sony Playstation 2, Microsoft Xbox, Nintendo DS.  I didn't count the Sony PSP because I hate it.).  This isn't a list of the best games EVER made, although some games on the list (especially the top 10) would probably make that list, as well.

Hey gamers!  I know $5.00 for an incredibly excellent game can seem like a ton-o-cash when you can get a Whopper Jr. and Chicken Fries at Burger King for the same price, but receiving emails thanking me for all the great games I recommended that readers chose to pick up used at Gamestop doesn't help me or The Juicy Cerebellum.  Honest, I swear, I do not make a profit off of this page.  If you think any of these games look good, could you maybe pick one up through the links I waste time providing?  I only get like 3% commission, but it beats living on the streets, right?  Anyway, onto the games!

 

# 15 Silent Hill 2 (Sony Playstation 2/Microsoft Xbox)

  It was either this or Fatal Frame II: Director's Cut.  Which would be the highest ranked non-Resident Evil related survival horror title on the list?  Deciding kept me up for nights (or, at the very least, minutes).  Silent Hill had a certain foggy ambience that probably freaked me out more when I played it than Fatal Frame.  On the other hand, Fatal Frame left me having nightmares after the game was over.  Both had good stories, but Silent Hill 2's made the Hank Hill in me go "ooh, that's some scary shit, right there, I tell ya" a few more times than Fatal Frame II did.  The only thing hurting Silent Hill 2 was its poor level design.  I hated trying to find my way around that damn run-down hotel.  It was a poorly-designed maze and it left me pissed off more than it did scared.  Now don't you just feel like running out clicking the link to the left and buying the game?  Hackneyed hotel aside, it seriously is a masterpiece of the genre.  Plus, it has Pyramid Head -- the coolest nutjob since John Travolta (whatever that means).  My weak critique doesn't do Silent Hill 2 justice.  Sort of like the Harry Potter movies compared to the books.  Or that damn Narnia thing with the Jesus hiding in computer generated lion's clothing.   

# 14 Brain Age (Nintendo DS)

  The subtitle of this niche Nintendo title is:  "Train Your Brain in Minutes a Day."  That's most likely false advertising, but the game is the most addictive thing released since cheese sticks.  A game that gets me interested in math deserves so many kudos I don't know where to start.  None of my teachers could get me interested in the whole "left brain" side of things.  Then this gimmicky handheld game comes along and I'm suddenly an Einstein or arithmetic.  Although it is doubtful it makes you any smarter, what Brain Age does do nicely is show how much dumber a person gets when drunk.  My bizarre friend-girlfriend hybrid and I bought a bottle of Tequila and decided it would be fun to check our "Brain Age" after each shot.  By the 5th slam, my Brain Age had went from 22 to 70.  Hers had went from 25 to 80.  Nintendo has now proven that drunk girls are easy ... because they're senile!  By the 9th shot, we had both forgotten about the game and she decided to eat the worm.  Get it?  The title also managed to bring my mother back into gaming (such a terribly inappropriate segue).  Whenever she visits, she immediately wants to see how her Brain Age is coming along.  Sometimes I get the feeling she's happier to see my Nintendo DS than she is me.  Oh well.  The last time she invested any serious time in a game was chess when she was 42.  That was 17 years ago.  I figured that out in under a second without the use of a calculator.  Thanks for making me mega-smart, Brain Age!  now if onlee u did 1 of more abowt writeen!  

# 13 Resident Evil 0 (Nintendo GameCube)

  The guys over at Capcom promised that Resident Evil 0 would be so revolutionary it would change the beloved franchise forever.  They were full of shit exaggerating.  What they did do is get a prequel right (which surely peaked George Lucas's interest) by adding a new twist in the gameplay with the player in control of not one, but two, characters.  You could no longer solve puzzles by yourself.  Oh no.  Now you needed one character to send some green herb (hehe, "green herb") down a dumbwaiter to another character who would then send up a gun in return -- because everyone knows how violent green herb can make a person.  At least that's what they say in those public service announcements where they fry eggs.  Resident Evil 0 holds a special place for me, as it is likely to be the last of the "old-school" Resident Evil titles.  Capcom takes the difficult control system Silent Hill fans pretend is somehow inferior to the difficult control system in Silent Hill out with a bang.  The puzzles are great and actually make you think, rather than simply push a box around a room until you find a place where you can use it as a cardboard stepladder strong enough to support the weight of a fully grown human without collapsing.  The setting on the train works miraculously well (it's better than that dumb motel in Silent Hill 2).  The gore is better than ever and the buddy system is a welcome new gameplay mechanic (and far better than the horrid RE Outbreak titles for the PS2).  I mean, who doesn't want some green herb sent down to them on a dumbwaiter from their dealer friend a story or two above them?  Certainly not me.   

# 12 Quake III: Arena (Sega Dreamcast)

  How I mourn the greatness that was the Sega Dreamcast.  What with its standard 56K modem (hey, it was fast for its time) and the fact that it was thinking.  I bet it wasn't thinking of being put out of business by modem-free Sony, just because it didn't have a mega-cheap, barely-working DVD player included with its awesomeness.  It was probably thinking, "gamers buy consoles for quality games, not low-budget movie viewers controlled by the marshmallow symbols found in any given box of Lucky Charms."  But it wasn't thinking clearly.  Or maybe it's the gamer who chose a PS2 over a Dreamcast that should be asking himself, "What the fuck was I thinking?!?"  If only Brain Age had arrived 7 or 8 years earlier.  Despite being defeated by the inferior PS2, the Dreamcast will always be remembered for bringing quality online gaming to video game consoles (sorry Xbox Live Team -- this is one cyber-cherry that you didn't pop).  Quake III: Arena played as smooth as a baby's bottom and rivaled its PC counterpart in every possible way.  Forget 56K.  This bitch played like it was a DSL connection hooked on Red Bull.  No slowdown.  No lag.  Just pure gaming blood, guts and gory glory.  This was the power of the Sega Dreamcast.  Somewhere, I can still hear it roaring.  

# 11 Star Wars: Rogue Squadron II: Rogue Leader (Nintendo GameCube)

  History repeats itself.  As with the Wii, gamers were all in a tizzy over the GameCube not being a powerful enough machine.  "It's just the N64 in lunchbox form" they screamed to anyone willing to listen.  Then, as will most likely happen with the Wii, Nintendo unleashed the GameCube onto the skeptical public and it sold like crap had the most impressive graphics of any "last-gen" console at launch.  Star Wars: Rogue Squadron II: Rogue Leader -- a title so unnecessarily long that it deserves to be spanked for making me type it -- led the charge.  The game looked abso-fucking-lutely magnificent!  I remember sitting in a pizza-parlor a couple of decades before Rogue Squadron II was released, playing that sit-down Star Wars' game where you blew up the Death Star.  "Dad!  Check this out!  It's exactly like the movie!"  I said through lips made greasy through the gateway drug (pepperoni) that would lead to the high cholesterol levels that would eventually kill me.  In reality, the game made Pole-Position look like the upcoming Gears of War.  Then Star Wars: Rogue Squadron II: Rogue Leader (I swear, if I have to type that again, someone's gonna get hurt) was released as a LAUNCH title for the "underpowered" Nintendo GameCube and literally defined the graphical quality of the next-generation of gaming.  This game was anything and everything a Star Wars' geek could ever ask for.  The opening scene with the Death Star really did feel like playing the Death Star scene in A New Hope.  All doubts about the GameCube being a "last-gen" console with a "next-gen" exterior were thrown out the X-Wing window.  Will the same thing happen with the Wii?  I wouldn't put it past the Big N.  Truth be told, most Wii games shown at E3 2006 were supposedly developed on GameCube Development Kits.  There's going to be a lot more punch to that pinup of a machine than any of us are currently giving it credit for, when the actual titles are finalized and released.  The Nintendo Wii will surprise.  Just try your hand at Star Wars: Rogue Squadron II: Rogue Leader to see how much power Nintendo can get out of a small box.  And yes, I did have to type that name again.  Now who wants some?  

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Your favorite game missing from the list?  Email to piss and moan! Or to say, "Hey dude -- pretty good picks."  That'd be cool.

©2006 Alex Sandell/Cerebellum inc. [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll send you to Hell and require the Devil to make you say Star Wars: Rogue Squadron II: Rogue Leader repeatedly for 5,000,000 years.