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Note to stupid people who didn't read the introduction to this update on the first page:  This is a list of the best games of the LAST generation of consoles (Sega Dreamcast, Nintendo GameCube, Sony Playstation 2, Microsoft Xbox, Nintendo DS.  I didn't count the Sony PSP because I hate it.).  This isn't a list of the best games EVER made, although some games on the list (especially the top 10) would probably make that list, as well.

Hey gamers!  I know 6 or 7 dollars for an incredibly excellent game can seem like a ton-o-cash when you can get a Whopper Jr. and deluxe order of Chicken Fries at Burger King for the same price, but receiving emails thanking me for all the great games I recommended that readers chose to pick up used at Gamestop doesn't help me or The Juicy Cerebellum.  Honest, I swear, I do not make a profit off of this page.  If you think any of these games look good, could you maybe pick one up through the links I waste time providing?  I only get like 3% commission, but it beats stealing antique pennies from my grandma, right?  Anyway, onto the top 10 games!

 

# 10 God of War (Sony Playstation 2)

  With the next Grand Theft Auto -- a title that nearly defined the PS2 -- releasing day and date with the Xbox 360's version, Sony desperately needed a bloody, immoral, immortal exclusive franchise to call its own.  With the game's main character of Kratos, along with his topless bimbos and their bouncy bimbo hooters; Sony has their man and they just may have their GTA killer.  Peter Moore can slap fake tattoos on his "guns" for Grand Theft all he wants, but his skin won't be adorning the most violent hero in video game history any time soon.  God of War did for the aging PS2 what Donkey Kong Country did for the Super Nintendo.  It took a dated machine and made it hip again.  Hipper than a 50-year-old with fake tattoos advertising games about beating up helpless hookers.  God of War isn't just a game to satiate a geek's bloodlust and love of digital boobies (that still manage to look like implants).  It's a game with a good plot, great gameplay, an incredible soundtrack and the best graphics to ever grace the PS2.  Spend a few hours with this title and you may find yourself tattooing a picture of Kratos's head smack dab on your ass.  Then, when the moral majority swoops down and attacks your idea of entertainment, you can bare your behind and tell them all to kiss it.  Try not to wipe first.  

# 9 New Super Mario Bros. (Nintendo DS)

  From Kratos to Mario.  No matter how cute this Italian plumber looks, he could pound Kratos's muscular buttocks straight into the sewer.  If you thought Mario was powerful before, wait 'til you see this unlikely hero grow about 10 times his size (think Ron Jeremy on a Viagra binge) and destroy everything in his path like some makeshift Godzilla.  New Super Mario Bros. is the game many old-school gamers (myself included) have been waiting for since we were at an age where it was still appropriate to look forward to games about plumbers eating mushrooms and jumping on turtles.  Sure, the 3-D Mario stuff was fun.  You got to leisurely wander around and look at landscapes and stuff.  Once in a while you'd fight a boss.  But the hardcore platforming was missing.  New Super Mario Bros. picks up where the seminal Super Mario World left off.  The game is a combination of the best 3 Mario games ever made:  Super Mario Bros. 3, Super Mario World and the original Super Mario Bros.  But this isn't just a nostalgia fest for the elderly (IE - people in their late 20's) to get all giddy over.  This is a full-fledged, brand-new Mario that anyone who'd rather own a DS than an iPod is going to cream their jeans over.  New moves, new levels, jaw-dropping 3-D graphics in a 2-D world.  Play it on the brand new DS Lite (it's both LIGHTER and BRIGHTER) and your eyes will pop out of your head like that one dude's eye did in Friday the 13th Part 3 when Jason squeezed the sides of his skull in.  If you're disappointed in this one, quit gaming, go buy an iPod and download the entire Ashlee Simpson collection.  Did you know that she refuses to lip-synch?  Really.  It was her band's fault!    

# 8 The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay (Microsoft Xbox)

  Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher's Bay is the most overlooked First Person Shooter in First Person Shooting history.  It's the only game to use the Doom 3 engine to its full potential.  If id software created half the game that Riddick turned out to be, Doom 3 would have lived up to all that E3 hype ("Best in Show" -- based on a non-playable video).  Escape from Butcher Bay is brutal, vulgar, plot-driven and has Vin Diesel getting spikes shot into his neck.  What more could you ask for?  After his cameo in The Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift, (my sister-in-law's brother was an extra in that film.  Yes, I am ashamed.) the guy deserves whatever pain he is forced to endure.  No matter how many FPS titles you've played, you've never quite played a game just like this.  It's a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll stealth and a buttload of FPS mayhem.  "So," you're asking me, "are you saying it's better than the almighty Halo and the even more almighty Halo 2?"  While the Halo games are good for a laugh (what game featuring evil alien midgets on helium isn't?), they're really just Mario with guns and a lead character whose name sounds like he should be running a truckstop that sells pancakes with ephedrine in place of flour.  Escape from Butcher Bay plops a big Diesel-sized shit all over Halo and Halo 2.  The graphics are some of the best out there.  There is one FPS I like better, but I'm not telling until the update featuring games 5-1.  I can be a prick that way.  

# 7 Knights of the Old Republic (Microsoft Xbox)

  George Lucas must lay awake in bed at night -- one arm wrapped around his 12" Hasbro Jar Jar Binks moveable figure and the other embracing his Linda Ronstadt voodoo doll -- wondering why he couldn't make The Phantom Menace even half as interesting as some video game "hacks" made Knights of the Old Republic.  "Even the dialogue is better," George says to his Jar Jar toy.  "Mesa thinksa yousa feelin' down, okie-day?"  Jar Jar asks/says/comments (does anyone know what Jar Jar actually does?).  Lucas furrows his brow, throws Jar Jar from the bed and screams, "You never made any sense in the first fucking place!  I just wanted to sell toys to gullible pre-adolescents!"  "The Phantom Menace really was a blunder" says his Linda Ronstadt voodoo doll.  "SHUT UP!  SHUT THE HELL UP!"  Screams George, while poking her with a knitting needle.  No matter how Lucas plays it (pun intended), Knights of the Old Republic is the most compelling Star Wars' tale since Return of the Jedi.  Maybe even The Empire Strikes Back, since it doesn't have any of those faggy Ewoks.  Did I type "faggy?"  I meant, "furry."  Furry Ewoks.  There was no sign that the Ewoks were gay, although that one Ewok did cry like a pussy over the dead Ewok, toward the end of the battle for Endor.  Anyway, Knights of the Old Republic is a must-have for every single past, present and/or future fan of the Star Wars' saga.  It's compelling as hell and -- unlike many RPG's -- doesn't fall apart toward the end (they saved that for the sequel).  This is Star Wars, through and through.  The traditional kind, before Gungans and Jake Lloyd.  Miss it and the Force is so not with you.     

# 6 Resident Evil REmake (Nintendo GameCube)

  Like sexy prostitutes with HIV, remakes scare me.  They send shivers up my spine and confuse my throbbing cock.  I'm all pumped up, but don't know if I should stick it in.  When Nintendo announced that Capcom would be releasing an entirely revamped version of the original Resident Evil on the GameCube I asked myself, "Has it been tested?"  Then the game arrived.  It looked so sexy, I threw caution to the wind and slipped it in without any protection.  This is twice the game the original Resident Evil was for the Playstation 1.  Pre-rendered or not, the graphics are mind-blowing.  At the time of its release, it looked better than any other game out for any other console -- including the midget-casket known as the Xbox.  To this day, these graphics are pleasing to the eye.  If this came out tomorrow on the Xbox 360 the Xbox 360 fanboys would be all, "OH MY GAWD!  LOOK WHAT THE NEXT GENERATION OF GAMING CAN DO!  SUCK ON THIS, PS3!"  Then I'd point out that it was a GameCube game and they'd ban me from the official Xbox 360 forum.  They do that sometimes.  One time they banned me until 2158 for saying that Far Cry on the 360 doesn't look much better than Far Cry on the original Xbox.  Resident Evil REmake is a title that any fan of any console should have in their collection.  Like making unprotected love to a crack whore with weird warty looking things growing out of her private area -- playing the Resident Evil REmake is scary as hell!   

Be back for THE 5 BEST GAMES OF THE PAST 7 YEARS!

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Your favorite game missing from the list?  Email to piss and moan! Or to say, "Hey dude -- pretty good picks."  That'd be cool.

2006 Alex Sandell/Cerebellum inc. [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll send you to Hell and require the Devil to make you say Star Wars: Rogue Squadron II: Rogue Leader repeatedly for 5,000,000 years.