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Note to stupid people who didn't read the introduction to this update on the first page:  This is a list of the best games of the LAST generation of consoles (Sega Dreamcast, Nintendo GameCube, Sony Playstation 2, Microsoft Xbox, Nintendo DS.  I didn't count the Sony PSP because I hate it.).  This isn't a list of the best games EVER made, although some games on the list (especially the top 10) would probably make that list, as well.

Hey gamers!  I know 6 or 7 dollars for an incredibly excellent game can seem like a ton-o-cash when you can get a Whopper Jr. and deluxe order of Chicken Fries at Burger King for the same price, but receiving emails thanking me for all the great games I recommended that readers chose to pick up used at Gamestop doesn't help me or The Juicy Cerebellum.  Honest, I swear, I do not make a profit off of this page.  If you think any of these games look good, could you maybe pick one up through the links I waste time providing?  I only get like 3% commission, but it beats stealing antique pennies from my grandma, right?  Anyway, onto the top 5 games of the last generation!

 

# 5 Super Monkey Ball (Nintendo GameCube)

  Sega should hire some cheesy heavy metal singer like Vince Neil to scream, "Do you want to fucking party?!?  I can't hear you!" when this game loads.  Monkey Ball is the geeky equivalent of a hip social event like a rave.  Or prom, with a date.  This is a party game with a capital "P."  The only time you should be playing this title alone is when you're busy practicing your skills to kick your best friend's ass at Monkey Target.  I guess, if you don't have any friends, you're sort of stuck playing with yourself, but you won't have as much fun as the socialite gamers out there.  Super Monkey Ball gave me a reason to buy three additional controllers for the GameCube (and a reason for my friends to whine about my being a tight-ass when I asked them if they'd pitch in).  The only time I've had more fun with a four-way is when it involved naked flesh.  The mini-games are a blast.  The aforementioned Monkey Target is so much fun, you'll swear you're smoking the pot.  There's a Mario Kart rip-off that almost lives up to Mario KartMonkey Golf is about as challenging as golf gets, without swinging the stick after drinking a case of beer, with some guy behind you screaming, "ooga-booga!  OOGA-BOOGA!"  And then there's the main game.  You will rip your hair out trying to beat this thing.  It took months of hair-ripping for me to finally pass the final level.  And really I never did.  My brother passed it for me, because he's younger and has svelte hands.  There is no reason that you shouldn't own this game.  It features monkeys and balls -- seriously, what more could you ask for?  Super Monkey Cunts isn't due out until 2008.     

# 4 Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door (Nintendo GameCube)

  Sometimes I wonder if I'm a gay-bob.  And then I wonder why Bob is gay.  I'm attracted to females and have no interest in males -- not even sexy hunks of studly man-flesh like Brad Pitt, but still, I wonder.  Why is this cartoony Mario game my favorite RPG of all-time?  Am I destined to become a fan of Judy Garland?  Gay or not, I love this game soooooo much, I could just give it kisses and hugs all the day long!  It's so sweet and colorful!  It reminds me of my glowing dayroom, filled with hundreds of passion flowers and the sweet scent of cocoa butter.  Paper Mario is such a cutie of a game!  It does almost everything right and makes me feel absolutely fabulous when I play it.  I was talking with my friend Chris and he said this is the game that got him into RPGs.  Sweetie, he couldn't be any righter (or any more manly, with his hot blonde hair and perky buttocks).  Like my boyfriend friend Chris, I can't resist this magical experience that just must take place somewhere over the rainbow.  If you're secure in your masculinity and have really excellent taste, you will quickly admit to worshipping this game.  If you're not, you're still in the closet and honey, that just ain't the place to be.  Last I checked, Cher doesn't perform there.  

# 3 Metroid Prime (Nintendo GameCube)

  A now defunct videogame site posed the question, "Which is the better game?  Metroid Prime or Halo?"  I cleared out all cookies and voted for Metroid Prime 106 times.  My opinion that Metroid Prime was the better game was as firm as a cock on a 4-hour Lunesta boner (please consult your doctor).   Halo still won.  But Metroid Prime came very, very close (14 votes away from victory).  How could people vote for a game with a mascot named Master Chief?  If he can pull off being our greatest video game hero, why not give him a sidekick in Halo 3 named "Taco Bell?"  Anyway, I rant.  Metroid Prime is the greatest First Person Shooter First Person Adventure ever created.  For 30 blissful hours, this game made my life worth living.  The graphics were some of the best out there.  The gameplay was beyond belief.  The game itself was deep.  If you can't read, you may not want to play.  My brother, who likes nothing but run and gun games, said, "I CAN'T FIGURE THIS FUCKING THING OUT!  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?  READ A BOOK???"  He then threw the GameCube controller across the room and jumped out a window.  Metroid Prime is not all about killing people and taking names.  It's a magnificient game with environments that you will never forget.  Will you risk something entirely new, innovative and worthy of any and all praise that it has received?  Metroid Prime is one of the most critically acclaimed games ever made.  Do you dare give it a chance and see if it lives up to the hype?  I did and then I had sex with my girlfriend, who couldn't understand why I kept calling her Samus.  "Is that another girl you met in one of those sleazy bars you frequent," she asked.  I then threw the Piglet doll I stole from this she-male I was dating across the room and jumped out a window.  

# 2 Resident Evil Code: Veronica (Sega Dreamcast/Sony Playstation 2)

  Ah, the Sega Dreamcast.  This console was a gazillion times better than the PS2 that crushed it into oblivion.  This chick that I met online and was having a bit of a fling with bought me an electric blanket after I met her at a Holiday Inn and proved that gamers know how to press all the right buttons.  She thought the blanket was the coolest thing since we first had cyber-sex using webcams.  Little did she know that epileptics were warned not to use the thing.  So I took the blanket back, explained to the folks at K-Mart that my cyber-girlfriend was trying to kill me, and exchanged it for Resident Evil Code: Veronica.  What a game it was.  Code: Veronica was the first game that made me say, "Woah, this is next-generation."  Then I felt like a nerd for saying "woah" and talking to myself.  But when I saw that water pouring down from the roof toward the beginning of the game, how could I think anything else?  The Dreamcast was clearly a leap and a jump above all prior consoles.  Unfortunately, it didn't have a DVD player, so Sony was all like, "It doesn't have a DVD player, biiiiiiatch -- if you buy it you're super dumb and maybe even epileptic!  You could even be dumb and epileptic!  Plus, the PS2 will have graphics that look better than Toy Story!"  The game eventually came out on the PS2 and people were thinking it was the best game released on the console.  At least if by "people" you mean "me."  On the PS2 they added an "X" to the title, to show that it was a more happenin' game than the Dreamcast version.  Everything's more groovy with an "X" in the title.  Like, think if I changed my name from "Alex Sandell" to "Alex X."  I would be so cool people would use me as a refrigerator.  A cool refrigerator.  As opposed to those lukewarm ones where your deli-fresh turkey gets stinky and green in under a day.  With or without the "X," the game itself garnered nearly universal praise.  Some said there was too much action and not enough horror, but they were mentally retarded and should burn in Hell for eternity once they die.  The game is scary.  It is action packed.  What more could you want?  A Dreamcast instead of a PS2?  Good answer.  

# 1 Resident Evil 4 (Nintendo GameCube/Sony Playstation 2)

  Resident Evil 4 isn't just the best game of the last generation.  Resident Evil 4 is the best game ever made.  Capcom completely reinvented the series (a rarity for Capcom) and made a main character that is easy to control (no matter how much I love the other Resident Evil games, that control system was about the most difficult thing to get a grip on since trying to get E.T. out of the holes he'd always fall into in that stupid Atari 2600 game).  Resident Evil 4 is bloodier, nastier, scarier, Satanicier (no, that isn't a word) and a bucketfuckload more fun than the first four games combined.  No, there aren't any zombies as far as you would think of zombies if you were George A. Romero and you were thinking about zombies, which I suspect George does quite often.  Romero's artistry invented the Resident Evil series, but Resident Evil 4 takes what he did to the next level.  The bad guys are sort of braindead redneck hicks.  What could be scarier than that?!?  I have trouble even joking about this game.  It's an absolute work of art.  It's better than almost any movie released over the past ten years.  It's better than any game released over the ... who are we fooling?  No game has even come close.  It's scary, it's bold, it's everything survival horror fans have dreamed of. This is the game you'll be telling your grandkids about when they're bragging about cutting the tits off of a nun in Grand Theft Auto 12:  Nuns of the Run.  The GameCube version has the better graphics, but even if you're stuck with the inferior PS2 version, at least you're playing the greatest game ever made (just with shittier graphics).  I wish I could find the words to convince every gamer in the world to buy this game.  They ... should ... have ... sent ... a ... poet.   

Be back for the "honorable mentions" and the rundown of each console's faults and each console's strong points.  Why?  Basically because I just remembered that I forgot to add one of my favorite games to this list.  D'oh!

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Didn't your favorite game make the cut?  Email to piss and moan! Or to say, "Hey dude -- pretty good picks."  That'd be cool.  I like when people say, "dude."

2006 Alex Sandell/Cerebellum inc. [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll send that dude with the chainsaw in Resident Evil 4 after you.  It won't be pretty.  Just look at the picture above.