Volume 1; Number 1
February 19, 1998

"Because if it isn't 'Right,' it just isn't right."

In this issue:

Conservative Activists ask for more reductions in medical funding
February 13th, 1998

In a not-so-surprising move yesterday, Conservative politicians proposed a new bill asking for even deeper cuts in Government-funded medical programs, such as "Medicaid," "Medicare," and others currently available to lower-income families. Currently, a family of two are allowed to make around $15,000-a-year, and still receive medical assistance.

Considering that a mother with a sickly child can wrack up staggering amounts of yearly medical bills, oftentimes double that of the $15,000 she earns, this assistance is greatly needed. If this aforementioned mother was offered a superior job, paying $25,000-a-year, but not giving benefits until after 6 months of employment, the mother would be compelled to turn it down, not financially able to wait until her insurance kicks in.

The Government would actually be preventing her from earning a good wage, while keeping her child healthy, raising her self-esteem, and bringing her one-step closer to paying her "own" way in society. So she's stuck working at McDonald's, all because this wonderful system of ours would cut off her medical assistance if she attempted to better herself. This is guaranteed to either A.) keep her flipping burgers, and on Medical Assistance the rest of her life, or B.) take the good job, and let her child die. Obviously she is going to pick A, and keep Medical Assistance. Medical Assistance the rest of society has to pay for. In other words, we're fucking ourselves right up our tight-asses. But, as Republicans, we don't care. Right? Right.

What the conservative bill which was introduced yesterday asks for is a sharp decline in what a person receiving Government-funded medical care can earn. If the bill passes, a family of two, currently allowed to make $15,000 dollars a year, while receiving medical assistance, will only be allowed to make a combined income of twenty-five cents during the course of 12 months. When asked if this was enough, a haggard Newt Gingrich replied with, "of course it is, it's too much. Any of us could make due with 12.5 cents a year, if need be, so why should they be sucking off Mamma-Gov's tit?"

Democrats, or, as we at the Republican Gazette like to call them, "Demoncrats" are expected to fight this bill, and President Clinton is more likely than not going to raise his satanic pen, and veto it, when, and if, it reaches his office. Sadly, once again, evil liberals on Capital Hill are going to prove that an insignificant poor child's life means more than an extremely important wealthy guy's wallet. When will they ever learn?
-Charles Lee Conservative

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"Execution is all the violence we need," says large group of Republican Activists
February 14th, 1998

A large group of Republican activists, lead by the fanatical role-model for God (or at least "Moses")-Fearing conservatives, Charlton Heston, claims that "execution is all the violence we need." When asked exactly what that means, Charlton Heston said "I have no idea," but his supporters were quick to clarify. "What we're trying to say," said Neo-Nazi, and self-proclaimed "Bible-thumper," Bill Goots, "is that if we actually televised executions, and executed everyone on deathrow in a timely manner, we wouldn't have any need for other violence on television." "This would curb violence in t.v.-programming," said Nancy Lopez, of Orlando, Florida, "and, at the same time, be a great service to mankind."

What the group is claiming, with the exception of Charlton Heston, who could only babble incoherently about the NRA "parting" the "waters," is that execution is a necessary form of violence, and one that America deserves to enjoy. On the other hand, the group claims, violence in controversial movies such as, "Titanic," is indeed for entertainment purposes, and "entirely fictional," not to mention, "unhealthy." "Could you imagine if a tragedy like this actually occurred?" Nancy Lopez questions, "what kind of evil-thinking person could come up with such a twisted-fantasy?"

"People have a basic, fundamental need to witness violence, but this need is not well played-out in television series, or on film," says "Fantasy Man," one of the loudest, most ignorant members of the group. "Fantasy Man" claims that violence is a natural, "healing" type-process that can only work its magic while viewing executions, or "possibly pornography."

The group's message picked up steam early this February, after Karla Faye Tucker's lethal-injection was carried out, and took the spotlight off Bill Clinton's dick, and put it onto dead people. "Karla Faye got what was coming to her," said a rather inebriated looking George Bush, "my son KICKS-ASS!"

The group has doubled in number since this time last year, and their message is receiving national, and world-wide, media-attention. "Real blood . . . not fake," was their message chanted outside of major television networks throughout the past few months. To sum it all up, from the mouth of their leader, Charlton Heston, "I'm Moses and guns water parted easter bunny capital-B, too. NRA."
-Sandra Rightwing

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"I'm really ugly" declares Bob Dole, in recent statement
February 15th, 1998

After waking from an all night drinking binge, Bob Dole looked in the mirror, and saw a side of himself the retired-politician claims he had never noticed before, "I'm really, really ugly" he stated to a group of reporters early Sunday morning. Bob Dole went on to vent his frustrations over the unlucky night out on the town that he had just awakened from. "No wonder I couldn't pick up that chick last night. I just thought it was the age-barrier thing, and my correcting her grammar when she asked me how much money 'I got.'."

Dole is now blaming his loss in the presidential campaign on being "grotesque." "Here I thought it was the fact that I'm half-crazy, advertised my webpage at the end of debates, and talked in the third-person. Shit, if I didn't look like something that was just squeezed out of a 7-foot-pimple, I coulda won the damn thing. And I'll tell you what, I bet if I was the president, I could've scored some hot-tail last night. Look at that playdough-boy Clinton, he's getting more nookie up their on Capital Hill than I've gotten in a lifetime." When reminded of the fact that Clinton's "nookie-quotient" may have surpassed that of Dole's due to appearance alone, the curmudgeonly war-hero responded by saying, "Bob Dole thinks that could be so. Bob Dole is pretty gross. Nope, no one would want to get on top of Bob Dole. Bob Dole is a dog."

The big question running through everyone's mind, after Dole's announcement, was whether or not he could maintain his position as the new Ronald McDonald, after taking such self-inflicted blows to his ego. Once asked, Bob Dole spent 15-minutes, with his face turned away from all cameras, turning back only to reveal himself all made-up in full "Ronald" regalia. "Would you like fries with that?" Was his closing words, no more questions were taken.
-Douglas Inane

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Bubba Dorkweiner celebrates first year in the NBA
February 16th, 1998

Much to the embarrassment of "The Right Wing Gazette," it appears Bubba Dorkweiner was never a member of the NBA, but he has seen "White Men Can't Jump." Apparently Bubba confused his lifelong membership to the fanatic's, NRA as a membership to basketball's, NBA. We are sorry for the error. When asked for reply, Bubba returned, "knoe comennt."

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"How to warn children that poor people are 'naughty,' with a smile on your face"
A helpful hint from Margaret Thatcher
February 17th, 1998

Most of us "child-bearing" conservatives (and what good conservative doesn't carry-on their family-name?) have had an awkward moment or two where our children have wanted to be "friends" with a "peer" from, how should I say, "the wrong side of the tracks." "They're just like us, mom," they'll argue, too young to see the obvious blemishes in social-stature that poor people maintain. Some of us have had to move our children into private schools. Others have had to relocate. A few I know have even blown their brains out, as a last resort. Yes, it really can be that hard.

Please don't lose hope, if your daughter brings home a "Billy," "Bob," or "Alex." Don't faint at their leather jackets, converse all-stars and ripped-jeans. Sure, they may not have showered in weeks, but the maid is coming on Tuesday, and you can afford a suite until then. Just don't give up, or in, you can teach your child rich from poor, right from wrong. Here's how.

1. A car. If your child is at "that" age, a flashy new car may be just the bribe . . . erm . . . "thing" they need to leave that filthy poor-boy behind (and at over 150 miles-per-hour).
2. Take them to a trailer-park, apartment complex, or middle-class neighborhood, show them where these poor "friends" come from, and ask if they would want to wind up there. As a sidenote, make it clear that you would never financially support that child, no matter how much you were begged. You didn't inherit all that money, and your family-business just to give it away to trash.
3. Threaten . . . erm . . . "offer" to take them out of your will, if they continue to hang with such filth. Remind them how much more important material possessions are than actual humans. Show them all that they have, and then ask, "would you really trade all this, for one boy?" It will be a rude-awaking for them, but better than having them acting rude.
4. Cry. Simply cry. Tell them you can't take it. Your social-group is laughing at you.
5. Threaten suicide. Use the line, "and no matter how rich daddy is, he can't afford to buy you a new mommy now, can he?" This usually packs quite a punch.
6. Show them how much you care. If your child's poor friend buys her a rose, buy her a dozen. If he buys her a gift-certificate for a fancy-restaurant, buy her the restaurant. Make sure to outdo the poor-boy, in every way. Your daughter will see who really loves her, then.
7. Drink a lot. Get drunk nightly. If you do this already, add cocaine to your habit. Something about a wasted parent gets to a child. Especially one who is also using rules number 4 and 5, at the same time.
8. Lastly, payoff the poor-boy, and leave it at that. I'm sure they could be bought for around $5,000.00. Maybe if you offer some trivial piece of junk like a community college tuition, you may be able to get them for a lot less.

If steps number 1-8 do not work, your child is a lost cause, and it is time to count your losses and disown her. There is no reason to keep someone that isn't willing to keep you. You've worked hard to maintain the family's respect, and no one, not even your own, will take it from you. Send her off to college in Cambodia, and never talk to her again. Ask the poor-boy to take care of her pets, it might keep him out of trouble for a while.

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A White Republican on death-row
February 19th, 1998

Had you going there for a minute, didn't I?
-Charles Lee Conservative

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1998 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. If you copy anything on this page, I'll rub your lips over my rectum, after defecating, and then take your stinky-face to court, so everyone can see what a little ass-kisser you really are.